The road to recovery and success
It has been almost a month since I have last updated my journal. I feel like I have been through so much since then. And through all the bad things, the good things truly come out of it. God has shown me the light, regardless of how much I have sinned. I know that my sins will not be excused. However, I really have so much faith in God that He with his power, his mercy, and all kindness, that he will help me find the strength, willpower, and patience to overcome whatever I am going through. It's true that horrible stuff is going to happen in your life. My biggest fear is that my close ones die, like family members, and I know it will happen. However, I pray to God that he keeps me sane and independent and strong through it all, and find other people to confide in, and know that although I will miss my family, that I will be able to truly move on.
Sometimes I feel like I'm not treating my mother the way she deserves. She has done so much for me, adn she has been too good to me this past year and a half. Sure, we have gone through our share of arguments and such, but she has never given up on my nor my brother, and she will never give up until she sees us successful. She will not settle for less. Now, with that sort of passion in both of my parents, don't you want to at least make a better life for yourself?
I'm caught up in the college life, and it has truly been such amazing times for me. I ave met quality people in my life: The ones I will name that live in California are Maryum, Jackie, Jasmine, and Heidi. And I'm continuing to meet more quality people in my life. They have seriously been there for me through thick and thin. I've never met more patient people around here, especially through all my sensitivity, emotions, and jealousy towards life at times. They help me become a stronger person. They help me develop my personality into the woman I want to become. As I've said before, life is not about finding yourself, it's about creating yourself! I've seriously lost touch with who I was in the past couple of weeks. I guess it is because I think and worry too much in general, that I feel like I've thought all of the thoughts I can think of. That depresses me. I seriously considered comitting suicide. Of course, I wouldn't actually go through with it, but I wondered what it would be like if I was gone. I didn't give myself self worth. I give myself to these guys, and don't be the bitch. I'm always the nice girl. Now, I don't want to be extreme either. It's either black and white for me, but now I'm trying to learn moderation in everything I do. If I want to dress sexy, that doesn't mean I have to wear tank tops and tube tops and halter tops all the time. It's good to be a mix of feminine and masculine energy. Towards guys, I need to prove that I have my own life. I am reading this book that Maryum gave to me entitled "Why Men Like Bitches" and it seriously one of the most amazing books that I have ever read.
As usual, I know I've changed alot , and I can feel myself changing more. But deep, deep down, I am still me. I am just going through experiments, and tests with myself. But my main goals are never going to just fail. They might disappear, or at least seem to, with whatever else I am doing, but it is never gone forever. For example, it is known that I like to party more now. Just because it is college, and I love meeting new people, partying is a really great way to meet new people. But after awhile, after you've met enough people you start to question whether or not you have met the quality people in your life or not.
When I think about all the things that I have gained in my life verses the stuff I have lost or I am debating about, I realize that the stuff I have gained is far more special than the former. It makes me still hold on to the optimism that I want to have in life. Throgh anything, especially since I am young, and still have my whole life ahead of me, it seems very silly to commit suicide. There are so many people that love me. Even though they don't have to show me every couple of minutes (if they do, then that is a serious insecurity on my part), I know they still love me. I don't know why sometimes I have insecurities on my looks.
For example, I met this really great guy named Taylor. Heidi has known him for awhile. She said that his ex girlfriend cheated on him. They has been dating on and off for two years. So basically the first time I met him was actually random. So obviously, I never expected to really see him again, or even catch a glimpse of him again since it was a random hookup. Then winter break passed, and I hooked up with one of his friends (which is a low life type who doesnt go to school, and all he does is smoke weed). Justin knew about Taylor, and he questioned me about it, and I said "yes we hooked up. But it was whatever." So I started to get more into Justin because he was pretty charming, until I really found out he just likes to have casual sex with any girl who is willing to give it up. So then, of course I would never have sex with guys. I am still a virgin. Now if I was in a really serious relationship, then MAYBE I would consider it, but of course not with somebody I barely know past a physical intimacy, and SOME mental connection (but not enough to pursue anything). Then, Taylor appeared again. I saw him again in Doug's apartment when I was into Justin. I went with Jackie, but both of them were being total assholes to me. Like serious assholes. I knew that Taylor knew exactly who I was, but he played it off like whatever. So obviosuly there was no connection between us, at least in his eyes. I was also embarassed because Jackie was with me, and she acutally thought that both Justin and Taylor were pretty good looking. So after that night I'm like thinking, forget it. I don't want anything to do with both of them because I deserve better than that. Seceretly, I wanted to get to know Taylor better because even though we hooked up in the most provactive way that I have ever done this year (lol), we connected definitely on another level. So I was into him. I told his friend Ryan (we call him Bean)...and I guess Bean told Taylor. So one day I was drinking and partying and stuff, and I'm with Jasmine and Heidi, and they are drunk too. We see them outside....since Jasmine usually hooks up with Doug when she is drunk, she wanted to go up there. So I wanted to go up there as well obviously, to see if Taylor wanted to talk to me, and you never know what will happen after that right? That was my thought process as I walked up the stairs to my brother's former apartment. Taylor remembered exactly who I was, and he asked about me to Heidi, and he acutally approached me, and we were honestly just talking for awhile. We went on a walk and then were talking on the stairs of Tokyo. I asked him why he was such a dick the last time I saw him, and he said he was sorry because of the fact that he had lost his job that day and was really bummed. Also Heidi told me that when Taylor gets moody like that, NOTHING can make him better, and he will snap at anybody, it doesn't matter who you are. So I of course forgave him and continued to talk to him, although I didn't know him that well. There is an obvious major physical attraction between us. We went back and were making out in my apartment, which was a huge mistake now that I think about it because I actually think he is a worthwhile guy to start dating or at least getting to know better. He had been cheated on by his ex, and although he was over his ex (which he should be)...I think he has a hard time trusting girls, and needs to really find a quality girl. I also think he thinks that I hook up with a lot of guys. It's true, I can't deny it. But I also told him that if I'm single, I will get to know guys. But if I'm in a relationship, that I would never ever cheat. It was cool because we were talking about how we were and how we act, and we totally clicked, I think on also more of an emotional level. The only problem? We don't know each other enough. He got my number, I didn't get his because I seriously got the impression that he was interested in me and that he would call me over the next upcoming weekend like he said he would. Also, he slept over. We did nothing. We didn't fool around or anything. We seriously just talked. Only on the couch we were making out and stuff, but he didn't try to do anything else. He didn't ask for sex, even though I know he was so attracted to me. So naturally I just expected him to want to hang out and and at least watch a movie together. In my head I told myself, "finally, a worthwhile boy after Sean." But the funny and pathetic part is that he never called. I really took it to heart. I took it very personal and was very insecure of myself and fell into that whole hoopla of never finding the right guy (especially since I've never really had a real boyfriend). I know some are late bloomers and all, but this is seriously ridiclous. Heidi talked to him on the phone, and she said that he mentioned me first, which is a sign that he was thinking about me and trying to make a decision on whether or not he wanted to get to know me better or not. But then he told Heidi I was fun, chill, etc. Nothing too good, but nothing bad either. Just kind of neutral stuff. She asked him if he had called me yet, and he said no. She told him that I didn't have his number, and he replied "I know..." kind of thinking....but didn't say anything after that. Heidi told me that she didnt want to pry too much out of him because he considers that subject matter very private. So I basically told myself he would probably call this weekend and continued onto my weekly routine. Once Thursday rolled around (exactly a week later) I 50/50 expected him to call, and if he didnt, I still had the rest of the weekend. He didn't call. As a matter of fact, he didnt call thursday, Friday, or Saturday. I was disappointed badly, and on Satuday I wento my friend Jessica G's apartment for a kickback. Jasmine drove, and we saw them in the car next to us...all of them, Doug, Bean, and Taylor. Taylor was driving. They called out and said hi to us. I couldnt tell by Taylor's expression if he was excited to see me or not. He seemed neutral, but I saw a sort of smirk on his face. Anyway, I didn't hear from him that whole weekend. Then, I was getting dinner from the cafeteria on Tuesday, and I saw him waiting for Doug. I was so nervous while I was talking to him because I really did realize I didnt know him that well. And I havent had a crush on a guy in awhile!! It was scary talking to him, even though we had already hooked up twice. I told him that I didnt have his number, so he gave it to me. I told him we should hang out this upcoming weekend. He said, "yea, sure....what are you doing,.....illl probly see you around, I'll be at Doug's place. I assumed he would call again, not geting my hopes up too much, but I assumed I would at least see him. Well guess what? I didn't see him the whole fucking weekend. Nor really heard from him. On Thursday we went to the frat houses and I didnt see him. Friday I decided to at least text him and see what he was going. He responded that he want out yet but he would be over at Doug's later. I told him we were having people over and that he should stop by, but he didn't respong at all. So I expected him to at least to show up. He didn't. I even confided in one of his acquaintences on this situation. He said that Taylor knew I was there, but just didn't want to come up. He is a Libra, and I know that Libras can be very indecisive. However, this was just ridiculous. I agian cried over this. I didn't do anything wrong, at least I do not think so!! So then what happened was, Heidi told me that if he doesnt call me at least by Tuesday, I should just move on. I'm probably going to move on, but this whole situaion seriously was a big disappointment, like with all guys. Bu I'm not going to lose faith in God. He will bring me somebody worthwhile, and I really believe he will.
Sometimes I feel like I'm not treating my mother the way she deserves. She has done so much for me, adn she has been too good to me this past year and a half. Sure, we have gone through our share of arguments and such, but she has never given up on my nor my brother, and she will never give up until she sees us successful. She will not settle for less. Now, with that sort of passion in both of my parents, don't you want to at least make a better life for yourself?
I'm caught up in the college life, and it has truly been such amazing times for me. I ave met quality people in my life: The ones I will name that live in California are Maryum, Jackie, Jasmine, and Heidi. And I'm continuing to meet more quality people in my life. They have seriously been there for me through thick and thin. I've never met more patient people around here, especially through all my sensitivity, emotions, and jealousy towards life at times. They help me become a stronger person. They help me develop my personality into the woman I want to become. As I've said before, life is not about finding yourself, it's about creating yourself! I've seriously lost touch with who I was in the past couple of weeks. I guess it is because I think and worry too much in general, that I feel like I've thought all of the thoughts I can think of. That depresses me. I seriously considered comitting suicide. Of course, I wouldn't actually go through with it, but I wondered what it would be like if I was gone. I didn't give myself self worth. I give myself to these guys, and don't be the bitch. I'm always the nice girl. Now, I don't want to be extreme either. It's either black and white for me, but now I'm trying to learn moderation in everything I do. If I want to dress sexy, that doesn't mean I have to wear tank tops and tube tops and halter tops all the time. It's good to be a mix of feminine and masculine energy. Towards guys, I need to prove that I have my own life. I am reading this book that Maryum gave to me entitled "Why Men Like Bitches" and it seriously one of the most amazing books that I have ever read.
As usual, I know I've changed alot , and I can feel myself changing more. But deep, deep down, I am still me. I am just going through experiments, and tests with myself. But my main goals are never going to just fail. They might disappear, or at least seem to, with whatever else I am doing, but it is never gone forever. For example, it is known that I like to party more now. Just because it is college, and I love meeting new people, partying is a really great way to meet new people. But after awhile, after you've met enough people you start to question whether or not you have met the quality people in your life or not.
When I think about all the things that I have gained in my life verses the stuff I have lost or I am debating about, I realize that the stuff I have gained is far more special than the former. It makes me still hold on to the optimism that I want to have in life. Throgh anything, especially since I am young, and still have my whole life ahead of me, it seems very silly to commit suicide. There are so many people that love me. Even though they don't have to show me every couple of minutes (if they do, then that is a serious insecurity on my part), I know they still love me. I don't know why sometimes I have insecurities on my looks.
For example, I met this really great guy named Taylor. Heidi has known him for awhile. She said that his ex girlfriend cheated on him. They has been dating on and off for two years. So basically the first time I met him was actually random. So obviously, I never expected to really see him again, or even catch a glimpse of him again since it was a random hookup. Then winter break passed, and I hooked up with one of his friends (which is a low life type who doesnt go to school, and all he does is smoke weed). Justin knew about Taylor, and he questioned me about it, and I said "yes we hooked up. But it was whatever." So I started to get more into Justin because he was pretty charming, until I really found out he just likes to have casual sex with any girl who is willing to give it up. So then, of course I would never have sex with guys. I am still a virgin. Now if I was in a really serious relationship, then MAYBE I would consider it, but of course not with somebody I barely know past a physical intimacy, and SOME mental connection (but not enough to pursue anything). Then, Taylor appeared again. I saw him again in Doug's apartment when I was into Justin. I went with Jackie, but both of them were being total assholes to me. Like serious assholes. I knew that Taylor knew exactly who I was, but he played it off like whatever. So obviosuly there was no connection between us, at least in his eyes. I was also embarassed because Jackie was with me, and she acutally thought that both Justin and Taylor were pretty good looking. So after that night I'm like thinking, forget it. I don't want anything to do with both of them because I deserve better than that. Seceretly, I wanted to get to know Taylor better because even though we hooked up in the most provactive way that I have ever done this year (lol), we connected definitely on another level. So I was into him. I told his friend Ryan (we call him Bean)...and I guess Bean told Taylor. So one day I was drinking and partying and stuff, and I'm with Jasmine and Heidi, and they are drunk too. We see them outside....since Jasmine usually hooks up with Doug when she is drunk, she wanted to go up there. So I wanted to go up there as well obviously, to see if Taylor wanted to talk to me, and you never know what will happen after that right? That was my thought process as I walked up the stairs to my brother's former apartment. Taylor remembered exactly who I was, and he asked about me to Heidi, and he acutally approached me, and we were honestly just talking for awhile. We went on a walk and then were talking on the stairs of Tokyo. I asked him why he was such a dick the last time I saw him, and he said he was sorry because of the fact that he had lost his job that day and was really bummed. Also Heidi told me that when Taylor gets moody like that, NOTHING can make him better, and he will snap at anybody, it doesn't matter who you are. So I of course forgave him and continued to talk to him, although I didn't know him that well. There is an obvious major physical attraction between us. We went back and were making out in my apartment, which was a huge mistake now that I think about it because I actually think he is a worthwhile guy to start dating or at least getting to know better. He had been cheated on by his ex, and although he was over his ex (which he should be)...I think he has a hard time trusting girls, and needs to really find a quality girl. I also think he thinks that I hook up with a lot of guys. It's true, I can't deny it. But I also told him that if I'm single, I will get to know guys. But if I'm in a relationship, that I would never ever cheat. It was cool because we were talking about how we were and how we act, and we totally clicked, I think on also more of an emotional level. The only problem? We don't know each other enough. He got my number, I didn't get his because I seriously got the impression that he was interested in me and that he would call me over the next upcoming weekend like he said he would. Also, he slept over. We did nothing. We didn't fool around or anything. We seriously just talked. Only on the couch we were making out and stuff, but he didn't try to do anything else. He didn't ask for sex, even though I know he was so attracted to me. So naturally I just expected him to want to hang out and and at least watch a movie together. In my head I told myself, "finally, a worthwhile boy after Sean." But the funny and pathetic part is that he never called. I really took it to heart. I took it very personal and was very insecure of myself and fell into that whole hoopla of never finding the right guy (especially since I've never really had a real boyfriend). I know some are late bloomers and all, but this is seriously ridiclous. Heidi talked to him on the phone, and she said that he mentioned me first, which is a sign that he was thinking about me and trying to make a decision on whether or not he wanted to get to know me better or not. But then he told Heidi I was fun, chill, etc. Nothing too good, but nothing bad either. Just kind of neutral stuff. She asked him if he had called me yet, and he said no. She told him that I didn't have his number, and he replied "I know..." kind of thinking....but didn't say anything after that. Heidi told me that she didnt want to pry too much out of him because he considers that subject matter very private. So I basically told myself he would probably call this weekend and continued onto my weekly routine. Once Thursday rolled around (exactly a week later) I 50/50 expected him to call, and if he didnt, I still had the rest of the weekend. He didn't call. As a matter of fact, he didnt call thursday, Friday, or Saturday. I was disappointed badly, and on Satuday I wento my friend Jessica G's apartment for a kickback. Jasmine drove, and we saw them in the car next to us...all of them, Doug, Bean, and Taylor. Taylor was driving. They called out and said hi to us. I couldnt tell by Taylor's expression if he was excited to see me or not. He seemed neutral, but I saw a sort of smirk on his face. Anyway, I didn't hear from him that whole weekend. Then, I was getting dinner from the cafeteria on Tuesday, and I saw him waiting for Doug. I was so nervous while I was talking to him because I really did realize I didnt know him that well. And I havent had a crush on a guy in awhile!! It was scary talking to him, even though we had already hooked up twice. I told him that I didnt have his number, so he gave it to me. I told him we should hang out this upcoming weekend. He said, "yea, sure....what are you doing,.....illl probly see you around, I'll be at Doug's place. I assumed he would call again, not geting my hopes up too much, but I assumed I would at least see him. Well guess what? I didn't see him the whole fucking weekend. Nor really heard from him. On Thursday we went to the frat houses and I didnt see him. Friday I decided to at least text him and see what he was going. He responded that he want out yet but he would be over at Doug's later. I told him we were having people over and that he should stop by, but he didn't respong at all. So I expected him to at least to show up. He didn't. I even confided in one of his acquaintences on this situation. He said that Taylor knew I was there, but just didn't want to come up. He is a Libra, and I know that Libras can be very indecisive. However, this was just ridiculous. I agian cried over this. I didn't do anything wrong, at least I do not think so!! So then what happened was, Heidi told me that if he doesnt call me at least by Tuesday, I should just move on. I'm probably going to move on, but this whole situaion seriously was a big disappointment, like with all guys. Bu I'm not going to lose faith in God. He will bring me somebody worthwhile, and I really believe he will.