(no subject)
Hmm. I've been waiting for the RA response for a couple of days and I didn't get one yet. We're actually supposed to find out this week, and I'm way too eager, anxious, and worried at all the same time. I was confident when I first applied for the job because of course I thought I'd make an awesome RA. I might have been overconfident, but not cocky at all. But now I'm worried because I jusg get bad vibes from all the RA's. Granted, I don't think they know who got the job for sure out of all the applicants, but it's still a weird vibe that I get. I'm setting myself up for heartbreak and disappointment because I don't want to get my hopes up and be all, "omg omg I KNOW I totally got this job" when I didn't. I don't want to read the letter and then break down. When I first applied for the job I thought that I wouldnt get worked up over it. I even told people that because that's exactly how I felt. I seriously did! I said to myself, whatever happens, happens. Even if I didn't get the job I wouldve thought, "hey at least I tried." and that's how I should continue thinking too right? RIght. But something inside me changed. I feel like I really NEED the job to prove something to myself. That people actually see this person that is a leader. I mean, if I think about it, the whole freaking year so far, I have been trying to improve my leadership skills and such, just to make a good impression on the RA's. I want people to come to me with their problems. I totally want to be in a leadership role. I feel like this job will help fulfill a part of me. And I'm not just saying that. In addition, I didn't really accomplish anything important, so I feel like thi swould be a major accomplishment. Not to mention, the job would help alot financially. Fuck. I seriously NEED this job. I went from trying to get it for "FUN" to see if I could do it, to needing it. I hate depending on things and people to make me happy. I don't want to do this to myself. I guess I'm just really nervous and pessimistic about it right now. If I don't get it I'll probly be seriously bummed. I think depending whether I get it or not will make me the paths in my life change. If I get it my life will go a certain way, and if I don't, it'll go a completely different way. OMG if I see the NO on the letter....I'll probably cry. That is that. God, please....LET ME GET THE RA JOB!!!!