(no subject)
there's a lot going on in this head...i don't really know where to start, so i think this will be pretty random.
getting phone calls at 11.30 on a friday night about my niece being taken to the emergency room is no bueno...she turned out to be okay...and i was glorious after i heard her sweet little 3 year old voice at 2 am telling me that it was her bedtime and that she loved me.
i wish i wasn't as stubborn as i am. i was told today that i need to learn how to forgive the people who are closest to me. i really thought i had forgiven, but turns out, now that i really think about it, i haven't. and i don't know if it's because i don't want to or i just can't. and as much as i say that i don't need to prove anything to him, i think i'm still striving for approval. and truth be told, i'd jump through hoops for him. he's my main man. but at the same time, when i was told that i really hurt him, i felt a little bit glad. maybe he felt a little bit of what i felt a few months ago when he decided to hurt me. and i know that is spiteful, and normally i'm not like that...but sometimes when a person is so hurt, it kind of feels a little bit good to make that person hurt, even just a little bit. being stubborn is part of my nature...and i'm pretty sure that will never change. but i can't let my stubborness hurt other people involved. and if it takes me walking out of that house a few more times to demonstrate how hurt and frustrated i am, that's what i'll do.
i think sometimes you are shown things or sides to people to make you realize that you really are better off without them in your life. my hour wasted tonight made me feel really happy that i'll never hear the words 'sassy bitch' uttered in my direction by a certain person. as messed up as i was for a real long time after, i now realize it was all for the better. i didn't and don't need those kinds of people in my life. they taint me and make me horrible.
as much as i've said that all this crap hasn't affected me in the past months, i realized tonight that it really is. it is affecting every aspect of my life, and i think about it every hour. i think about the hurtful words, the wringing hands, the crying, the yelling. i also think about when things were better and everyone was happy and could talk about what was happening without being hurtful. it is affecting how i am with my friends...it makes me want to stay at home and not talk to or see anyone. i feel like i put on a real big front when i'm out so i don't disappoint because i've got a lot going through my head. i blame it on work, but that's only a fraction of the reason for feeling this way. when, on a daily basis, i feel the urge to burst into tears, it should be a huge wake up call that i need to sort through this instead of continuing to do what i do best...avoid and hide from the situation. but i think for once i need to just deal with it. maybe then i would feel well rested? i think if i dealt with him and everything surrounding this, i'd finally feel like me again...and i am a person that i have been missing grately.
i should be sleeping now. maybe this has helped me so i can sleep peacefully. here's to hoping.
"take this razor, sign your name across my wrist so everyone will know who left me like this."
getting phone calls at 11.30 on a friday night about my niece being taken to the emergency room is no bueno...she turned out to be okay...and i was glorious after i heard her sweet little 3 year old voice at 2 am telling me that it was her bedtime and that she loved me.
i wish i wasn't as stubborn as i am. i was told today that i need to learn how to forgive the people who are closest to me. i really thought i had forgiven, but turns out, now that i really think about it, i haven't. and i don't know if it's because i don't want to or i just can't. and as much as i say that i don't need to prove anything to him, i think i'm still striving for approval. and truth be told, i'd jump through hoops for him. he's my main man. but at the same time, when i was told that i really hurt him, i felt a little bit glad. maybe he felt a little bit of what i felt a few months ago when he decided to hurt me. and i know that is spiteful, and normally i'm not like that...but sometimes when a person is so hurt, it kind of feels a little bit good to make that person hurt, even just a little bit. being stubborn is part of my nature...and i'm pretty sure that will never change. but i can't let my stubborness hurt other people involved. and if it takes me walking out of that house a few more times to demonstrate how hurt and frustrated i am, that's what i'll do.
i think sometimes you are shown things or sides to people to make you realize that you really are better off without them in your life. my hour wasted tonight made me feel really happy that i'll never hear the words 'sassy bitch' uttered in my direction by a certain person. as messed up as i was for a real long time after, i now realize it was all for the better. i didn't and don't need those kinds of people in my life. they taint me and make me horrible.
as much as i've said that all this crap hasn't affected me in the past months, i realized tonight that it really is. it is affecting every aspect of my life, and i think about it every hour. i think about the hurtful words, the wringing hands, the crying, the yelling. i also think about when things were better and everyone was happy and could talk about what was happening without being hurtful. it is affecting how i am with my friends...it makes me want to stay at home and not talk to or see anyone. i feel like i put on a real big front when i'm out so i don't disappoint because i've got a lot going through my head. i blame it on work, but that's only a fraction of the reason for feeling this way. when, on a daily basis, i feel the urge to burst into tears, it should be a huge wake up call that i need to sort through this instead of continuing to do what i do best...avoid and hide from the situation. but i think for once i need to just deal with it. maybe then i would feel well rested? i think if i dealt with him and everything surrounding this, i'd finally feel like me again...and i am a person that i have been missing grately.
i should be sleeping now. maybe this has helped me so i can sleep peacefully. here's to hoping.
"take this razor, sign your name across my wrist so everyone will know who left me like this."