(no subject)
I feel..empty and numb to the core. I feel like my heart just dissipated into thin air. I've lost my sense of compassion and empathy. I try to remind myself that other people should not affect how I view myself, but that seems like an immature thought to me right now. It's ignorant to say people don't affect how we see ourselves; we are who we are because of the people we've met and lost. The people who've held us up, as well as the people that pushed us down. Every fiber of my personality, of my quirks, and twitches are a result of some experience with some person. So it only makes sense, that if I am a result of them, then they are the ones that can shift the reflection I see every time I look in the mirror.
I wake up every day, go to work, end up staying an hour or two over time, come home, go to class, do homework until 3 am, and wake up again and stare at myself for a while in the mirror after I shower. I realize that I don't remember the last time I took a breath, the last time I felt like I wasn't on the verge of tears. I'm overwhelmed with school, all the papers, all the insane expectations to be the perfect pupil, worker, sister, daughter, and friend. People don't realize every bit of me that I turn into whatever they want rips a part of my soul away. It took 22 years, and I can honestly say I've got no soul, but as I said, it's my choice to allow it. I can walk away anytime, but I’m not happy with that either. I think I'm insatiable.
I've become everyone's brick walkway. I've become simply sex. I've become ash in your mouth that you spit out at will. And it's okay, because this is not your fault. I allow it. I've turned myself into the perfect doormat for others. I'm not trying to assemble a pity party; I just need to find a way to breathe that doesn't depend on the expanding and contracting of my lungs.
I can't face myself in the mirror; I look through myself because I can't deal with the thing that looks back. I never wake up feeling pretty, I constantly try to change cosmetic things, hoping one day I'll be enough for someone. Enough to keep them around. It's funny, because the only thing any girl wants is to simply know that she is loved. It seems too simple; yet it's the most unattainable thing in this life. We don't need money, flowers, gifts, huge diamonds, or new cars. We just want to KNOW that we are loved.
I've seen too many people broken because they were refused this.
I miss having friends I can break down to. I miss being able to cry in the arms of a friend and feel safe. I feel even those relationships have turned into transactions of "What can you/I get/take?" I feel so alone. Utterly alone and there doesn't seem t be anyone in sight. No one has time, and I don't blame them.
Why am I not worth the love and care you give to other friends? Other lovers?