a new bible
I am reading "Raising Your Spirited Child" by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka. I am reading it slowly, partially because by the time I lie down at night I am ready for sleep, and partially because I am re-reading every chapter a few times in an effort to get some of the messages to burn themselves into my consciousness.
The book has been incredibly helpful for me so far personally, not even just as a parent. Part of what the book is about is helping your child learn to cope with intense feelings. This is the first author of a parenting book that I have ever run across who has acknowledged that this might be difficult if you, yourself, are still learning how to manage your own intense feelings. So as she is instructing you on how to help your child cope, you are learning how to cope yourself. This has been an eye-opening process for me.
For instance, one thing the book underscores is that very perceptive kids (and adults) get overstimulated easily. This makes total sense - the thing is, kids don't know they are getting overstimulated, how to remove themselves from the situation and manage the after-effects. We have to teach them that. But first, I needed to realize that *I* am very easily overstimulated. When Tom has talk radio on, and Ella is listening to music in her room, and the cats are meowing for supper, and the air conditioner is running, and the phone rings... sometimes I get so garbled up. I can't take one thing at a time and deal with it... I get overwhelmed and yucky feeling. Understanding that I am having that reaction and then taking five minutes to go outside or into my bedroom reduces my frustration level and makes things manageable again. If I ignore that nagging feeling -- well, we are on an express train to Yellingtown.
This is just one example, and there are so many examples. It's so good to know these things. It's harder to change behavior. It's hard to remember not to say JUST PUT YOUR SHIRT ON and to think of some alternative, fun way to get her motivated to get dressed. I was just reading last night about spirited kids having trouble with transitions (and boy, does she ever). One thing the book says is that if the parent is easily distracted (hello, me), it's that much more complicated to get out the door. Another thing I read was that some kids are intensely visual, and verbal instructions "go in one ear and out the other," not because they are willful, but because it's just the way their brain works. I'm super-visual myself, so today Ella and I drew the "get ready for school" plan and we followed it, crossing off each picture as we went. We had fun and we got ready faster than normal, and I did not get distracted by laundry or email or thinking about how much I hate the way the curtains look in the bedroom.
So, lesson learned: my four year old and I need to be managed in similar ways. I, unfortunately, have been appointed the manager by default, given my purported adulthood. I have a feeling I will continue to read and re-read this book.
The book has been incredibly helpful for me so far personally, not even just as a parent. Part of what the book is about is helping your child learn to cope with intense feelings. This is the first author of a parenting book that I have ever run across who has acknowledged that this might be difficult if you, yourself, are still learning how to manage your own intense feelings. So as she is instructing you on how to help your child cope, you are learning how to cope yourself. This has been an eye-opening process for me.
For instance, one thing the book underscores is that very perceptive kids (and adults) get overstimulated easily. This makes total sense - the thing is, kids don't know they are getting overstimulated, how to remove themselves from the situation and manage the after-effects. We have to teach them that. But first, I needed to realize that *I* am very easily overstimulated. When Tom has talk radio on, and Ella is listening to music in her room, and the cats are meowing for supper, and the air conditioner is running, and the phone rings... sometimes I get so garbled up. I can't take one thing at a time and deal with it... I get overwhelmed and yucky feeling. Understanding that I am having that reaction and then taking five minutes to go outside or into my bedroom reduces my frustration level and makes things manageable again. If I ignore that nagging feeling -- well, we are on an express train to Yellingtown.
This is just one example, and there are so many examples. It's so good to know these things. It's harder to change behavior. It's hard to remember not to say JUST PUT YOUR SHIRT ON and to think of some alternative, fun way to get her motivated to get dressed. I was just reading last night about spirited kids having trouble with transitions (and boy, does she ever). One thing the book says is that if the parent is easily distracted (hello, me), it's that much more complicated to get out the door. Another thing I read was that some kids are intensely visual, and verbal instructions "go in one ear and out the other," not because they are willful, but because it's just the way their brain works. I'm super-visual myself, so today Ella and I drew the "get ready for school" plan and we followed it, crossing off each picture as we went. We had fun and we got ready faster than normal, and I did not get distracted by laundry or email or thinking about how much I hate the way the curtains look in the bedroom.
So, lesson learned: my four year old and I need to be managed in similar ways. I, unfortunately, have been appointed the manager by default, given my purported adulthood. I have a feeling I will continue to read and re-read this book.