And you there, You don't care...
How long does it take to get someone out of your system? He is in my thoughts when I go to bed and when I wake up. Sometimes in the middle of work his face pops up in my head and my heart is suddenly racing like its been on a marathon. It bugs me and I hate it. I want it gone. And on the other hand I want so much more.
I guess everything connects and maybe its not really him, or maybe it is. Knowing that someone of your friends will die is strange. Everything feels overwhelming and I can't quite grip it. Most of the time I work and I do not actively think about it. Its weird, because right now she is still a good place, no immanent pain or any other restrictions. But its just a matter of time.
The other day we all made sushi together and it was a great day. Her son had just had his birthday and well, that was not as funny as you can imagine, not knowing if you still alive for the next. But the day we spend together was really good, good old fashion friends-hangout with food and board games. She made a joke about death, which was weird and also hilarious and we all had to laugh.
And I think what I mean with connection is, when I don't work I can't stop thinking about it. About death and life, which I guess is normal in that situation. So there is he, who did something to me, unknowingly to himself. And I just want to drown in him. To feel alive and get calmer, cause as calm as I may seem to the outside, I'm not. I'm a very angry and confused person these days. And I want him there in the nights, when I suddenly wake up and I just want to feels something different. Just a piece of that happiness everyone is talking about. Just for a few moments I want to forget.