(no subject)
i have strep, again.
i cant wait for my tonsils to inflate to the point of suffocation. cause not eating for a week is super fun. GREAT. yeah, fuck.
karma is already kicking my ass. shit, its just PROM! people asassinate presidents, bomb schools, crash planes, stiffen money from the government for their friends, dont pay their tax returns, steal condoms. i mean COME ON! im just missing a band concert and two jazz band performances...oh and BYE BYE BIRDY, rising stars and probably something else...its not that bad. i dont think im actually hurting anyone by doing these things. and the punishment should fit the crime! im not innocent, but i dont think its fair that my life is being stripped from me.
ok, thats a bit dramatic.
so, im ditching all of those activities listed above to go to prom in champaign. and no one in hawai'i can know. if aja slips up my ass will be on the chopping block. my parents have no idea that im missing three concerts to go. i bought the tickets, the deal is sealed. im going. my plan is to tell my parents that the concert dates were changed and then beg them not to call the school and verify that im lying through my teeth. then we'll simply call the school, tell them i had a family emergency and voi' la! ill be medivacted back to the mainland for a funeral, and be back in school the following week. fool proof, right?
jesus, i hope so.
i didn't make the next generation jazz orchestra. but its cool, i didn't expect to anyway. i just keep telling myself that thousands of talented vocalists auditioned and i was just way out of my league. honestly, i hoped some bomb-ass-aretha franklin-like-soul singer from new orleans would come and just knock everyone on their rears. but does such a high school exsist? apparently not, which is heartbreaking. they picked some dude from conneticut. WHATEVER. its their loss. they should've aimed for just a little sex appeal. i mean, not to sound like a sexist shovanistic ass-hole, but the whole freakin jazz band is filled with dudes! some babe with a sultry voice and some hot curves needs to walk out on that stage and give all the guys in that audience an erection. so what if thats vulgar. im not asking that some talentless pop princess go up there and shake her ass for all the world to see, i just wonder why its so difficult for those pigs over there to give any girl a chance. guys aren't the ONLY ones who can play jazz. i feel repressed. this ain't the 60's anymore.
that bitch from conneticut better be good. he better be able to hold his own, thats all i have to say.
and you know what, he's probably the next frank sinatra and here i am bashing him for having a penis. i have no right to judge anyone in this situation, but im still dissapointed and jealous. god, i would've loved to go back to europe and take a look around. i miss it, and i haven't had a lot of opportunities to perform here. it would've been the chance of a lifetime. but im no where near good enough to deserve something that incredible. maybe someday ill get there. i hope.
today i also found out that i didn't win the kalakihi art competition. it was state wide, and i still get a little prize, but apparently my picture didn't have enough student voice. thats fine. ok. everyones oppinion is differen't, and what i did was just not what they were looking for. i should've done scholastics. i know i would've placed in that...but of course, i dropped the ball on that too. fuck. if i had won this, my art would've been placed in the capitol building in D.C. thus, giving me the chance to go back to D.C. and visit my friends from middle school. i'd probably appreciate george town now. its such an artsy city, and i lived there at the wrong time. i was too young, i took it all for granted and now i would love to go back and expirience the art scene. so of course im upset. my work could've been in the capitol building! what is wrong with me? i need to get my shit together and start turning out some better work. not that its really important. i dont want to be an artist someday, but still, i like to draw, and i like to win. but you just cant win them all. and i digress again....
i still haven't heard from interlochen. i called them before school to see what was going on, since i was supposed to know by the end of march if i got in or not. they asked me to send more work, they wanted to see me perform live. so i sent in some silly tapes from cinderella and a bunch of me singing jazz songs. it was pretty varied compared to what i sent in the first time. but they said it'll still take a couple of weeks for everything to get processed. so i wont know for a while. ill probably find out while im in champaign for prom. i have a feeling karma will catch me while im there. i cant escape it by just getting on a plane. my mom will call me, and i wont make it. ill spend the next year in hawaii, graduate at the semester go to community college for the next semester and then leave. my life is such a mess, and i've put all of my eggs in one basket. if interlochen falls through, ill have nothing. nothing at all.
last tuesday my mom got vertigo. which is basically the most insane motion sickness you can possibly get while not actually being in motion. i have the weirdest phobia with vomiting. if i make it until this summer, i will have distained from vomiting for 8 years. im so paranoid, i wash my hands before and after i touch anything, and go through about five bottles of hand santizier a month. anyway...she couldn't stand or talk and complained about being so dizzy that she felt the world was spinning. then she made me bring her a bag to puke in and i almost lost it. she was squeezing my hand so tight that i couldn't get away. as soon as i heard her wretch i bolted. im pretty sure that i was out of the house before her barf could hit the bottom of the bag. i was convinced she was having a stroke and began to panic. i went outside and just started hyperventalating. i called 911 imediately and described all of her symptoms. i have never seen anyone so sick in my life. she was so pale and sweaty. it was horrifying. i have a pretty impressive medical record, what with my 6 surgeries and countless amounts of infections. but this...this took the cake. the ambulance just rolled on up, sirens on and all and the second they got into my living room and saw my mom slumped over that pathetic paper bag they knew what was going on. they all seemed so calm. they reasured me that she'd be fine and whisked her away. while this was happening, our neighbor lori was on her way to the commisary and saw the ambulance. her husband is in my dads band (navy band, not a rock band or anything like that). she ran up to the house and stayed with jack and i until everything settled down. she even cleaned up the puke for me while i held her new born baby. my dad was in a meeting and wouldn't answer his work or cell phone. so she called her husband and had him drive from pearl harbor up to the NATO base and tell him what was going on. she saved out butts. my dad went to stay with mom and i watched jack all day. i took the car and bought flowers and a card. then jack and i made mac and cheese and watched the incredibles while we eagerly waited for my mothers return. she couldn't even walk, it was pretty upsetting. my sarcastic card humored her and she loved the flowers. now shes on meds that give her slurred speach and she's still a little dizzy, so it just looks like she's heavily intoxicated all the time. but at least the nauseas gone and she can eat. unfortunately i was so paranoid about it that i haven't really been able to eat since tuesday. i think i've had about a bowl of cereal a day since then. but it'll only help before prom anyway. and im NOT starving myself. my appetite has completly shut off.
other than all of this ridiculous drama, my life has been pretty boring. i have three jobs now, which all pay pretty well. im a model at hollister, a hostess at the sea breeze, which is like an upscale version of red lobster, and i have a paper route. haha. so im making money and working towards the summer. plus my mom and i finally talked last night. which was way overdue. but thats a whole other entry. im going to save that for another day.
im ready for this summer to begin, to get away from hawai'i and go back to the only place that has ever felt like a home to me. im ready to escape the toxic relationship i have with my family, and begin my own life. i want to go to interlochen. im ready to be on my own. i just hope that im good enough to get ahead in life. i hope interlochen sees potential in me.
i feel like im trying to leave behind everything and everyone that has hurt me, and twisted my life into the complicated heap of lies and confusion that it is. i've accepted that i can no longer fix anything. my family has decided what it wants to do. my mother has decided what she wants to do. and if no one will take my advice, then im leaving. obviously, they just need to figure it out for themselves. they need to find out what they want, and then chase after it. because i know what i want, and i know its not here.
im ready,
whether they are or not.
i cant wait for my tonsils to inflate to the point of suffocation. cause not eating for a week is super fun. GREAT. yeah, fuck.
karma is already kicking my ass. shit, its just PROM! people asassinate presidents, bomb schools, crash planes, stiffen money from the government for their friends, dont pay their tax returns, steal condoms. i mean COME ON! im just missing a band concert and two jazz band performances...oh and BYE BYE BIRDY, rising stars and probably something else...its not that bad. i dont think im actually hurting anyone by doing these things. and the punishment should fit the crime! im not innocent, but i dont think its fair that my life is being stripped from me.
ok, thats a bit dramatic.
so, im ditching all of those activities listed above to go to prom in champaign. and no one in hawai'i can know. if aja slips up my ass will be on the chopping block. my parents have no idea that im missing three concerts to go. i bought the tickets, the deal is sealed. im going. my plan is to tell my parents that the concert dates were changed and then beg them not to call the school and verify that im lying through my teeth. then we'll simply call the school, tell them i had a family emergency and voi' la! ill be medivacted back to the mainland for a funeral, and be back in school the following week. fool proof, right?
jesus, i hope so.
i didn't make the next generation jazz orchestra. but its cool, i didn't expect to anyway. i just keep telling myself that thousands of talented vocalists auditioned and i was just way out of my league. honestly, i hoped some bomb-ass-aretha franklin-like-soul singer from new orleans would come and just knock everyone on their rears. but does such a high school exsist? apparently not, which is heartbreaking. they picked some dude from conneticut. WHATEVER. its their loss. they should've aimed for just a little sex appeal. i mean, not to sound like a sexist shovanistic ass-hole, but the whole freakin jazz band is filled with dudes! some babe with a sultry voice and some hot curves needs to walk out on that stage and give all the guys in that audience an erection. so what if thats vulgar. im not asking that some talentless pop princess go up there and shake her ass for all the world to see, i just wonder why its so difficult for those pigs over there to give any girl a chance. guys aren't the ONLY ones who can play jazz. i feel repressed. this ain't the 60's anymore.
that bitch from conneticut better be good. he better be able to hold his own, thats all i have to say.
and you know what, he's probably the next frank sinatra and here i am bashing him for having a penis. i have no right to judge anyone in this situation, but im still dissapointed and jealous. god, i would've loved to go back to europe and take a look around. i miss it, and i haven't had a lot of opportunities to perform here. it would've been the chance of a lifetime. but im no where near good enough to deserve something that incredible. maybe someday ill get there. i hope.
today i also found out that i didn't win the kalakihi art competition. it was state wide, and i still get a little prize, but apparently my picture didn't have enough student voice. thats fine. ok. everyones oppinion is differen't, and what i did was just not what they were looking for. i should've done scholastics. i know i would've placed in that...but of course, i dropped the ball on that too. fuck. if i had won this, my art would've been placed in the capitol building in D.C. thus, giving me the chance to go back to D.C. and visit my friends from middle school. i'd probably appreciate george town now. its such an artsy city, and i lived there at the wrong time. i was too young, i took it all for granted and now i would love to go back and expirience the art scene. so of course im upset. my work could've been in the capitol building! what is wrong with me? i need to get my shit together and start turning out some better work. not that its really important. i dont want to be an artist someday, but still, i like to draw, and i like to win. but you just cant win them all. and i digress again....
i still haven't heard from interlochen. i called them before school to see what was going on, since i was supposed to know by the end of march if i got in or not. they asked me to send more work, they wanted to see me perform live. so i sent in some silly tapes from cinderella and a bunch of me singing jazz songs. it was pretty varied compared to what i sent in the first time. but they said it'll still take a couple of weeks for everything to get processed. so i wont know for a while. ill probably find out while im in champaign for prom. i have a feeling karma will catch me while im there. i cant escape it by just getting on a plane. my mom will call me, and i wont make it. ill spend the next year in hawaii, graduate at the semester go to community college for the next semester and then leave. my life is such a mess, and i've put all of my eggs in one basket. if interlochen falls through, ill have nothing. nothing at all.
last tuesday my mom got vertigo. which is basically the most insane motion sickness you can possibly get while not actually being in motion. i have the weirdest phobia with vomiting. if i make it until this summer, i will have distained from vomiting for 8 years. im so paranoid, i wash my hands before and after i touch anything, and go through about five bottles of hand santizier a month. anyway...she couldn't stand or talk and complained about being so dizzy that she felt the world was spinning. then she made me bring her a bag to puke in and i almost lost it. she was squeezing my hand so tight that i couldn't get away. as soon as i heard her wretch i bolted. im pretty sure that i was out of the house before her barf could hit the bottom of the bag. i was convinced she was having a stroke and began to panic. i went outside and just started hyperventalating. i called 911 imediately and described all of her symptoms. i have never seen anyone so sick in my life. she was so pale and sweaty. it was horrifying. i have a pretty impressive medical record, what with my 6 surgeries and countless amounts of infections. but this...this took the cake. the ambulance just rolled on up, sirens on and all and the second they got into my living room and saw my mom slumped over that pathetic paper bag they knew what was going on. they all seemed so calm. they reasured me that she'd be fine and whisked her away. while this was happening, our neighbor lori was on her way to the commisary and saw the ambulance. her husband is in my dads band (navy band, not a rock band or anything like that). she ran up to the house and stayed with jack and i until everything settled down. she even cleaned up the puke for me while i held her new born baby. my dad was in a meeting and wouldn't answer his work or cell phone. so she called her husband and had him drive from pearl harbor up to the NATO base and tell him what was going on. she saved out butts. my dad went to stay with mom and i watched jack all day. i took the car and bought flowers and a card. then jack and i made mac and cheese and watched the incredibles while we eagerly waited for my mothers return. she couldn't even walk, it was pretty upsetting. my sarcastic card humored her and she loved the flowers. now shes on meds that give her slurred speach and she's still a little dizzy, so it just looks like she's heavily intoxicated all the time. but at least the nauseas gone and she can eat. unfortunately i was so paranoid about it that i haven't really been able to eat since tuesday. i think i've had about a bowl of cereal a day since then. but it'll only help before prom anyway. and im NOT starving myself. my appetite has completly shut off.
other than all of this ridiculous drama, my life has been pretty boring. i have three jobs now, which all pay pretty well. im a model at hollister, a hostess at the sea breeze, which is like an upscale version of red lobster, and i have a paper route. haha. so im making money and working towards the summer. plus my mom and i finally talked last night. which was way overdue. but thats a whole other entry. im going to save that for another day.
im ready for this summer to begin, to get away from hawai'i and go back to the only place that has ever felt like a home to me. im ready to escape the toxic relationship i have with my family, and begin my own life. i want to go to interlochen. im ready to be on my own. i just hope that im good enough to get ahead in life. i hope interlochen sees potential in me.
i feel like im trying to leave behind everything and everyone that has hurt me, and twisted my life into the complicated heap of lies and confusion that it is. i've accepted that i can no longer fix anything. my family has decided what it wants to do. my mother has decided what she wants to do. and if no one will take my advice, then im leaving. obviously, they just need to figure it out for themselves. they need to find out what they want, and then chase after it. because i know what i want, and i know its not here.
im ready,
whether they are or not.