(no subject)
I hope I have the energy to get this all out before work.
It’s 2am, and I work at 9 and have a long day ahead, but as I’ve had a late nap today I have a little bit of a second wind that I’m trying to take advantage of.
I shouldn’t let this journal go unused. Even if it wasn’t something I was comfortable saying to the whole world, there’s that little thing called the Private Post option. There has been stuff going on lately, I just haven’t been writing about it.
The biggest thing right now is Greg. I thought I should be hush-hush about it, just in case someone from the service is possibly watching this, but the news is out among his colleagues, so me venting about it shouldn’t hurt his chances.
Greg’s getting a medical discharge. Most everyone knows about it by now, but it’s the biggest focus of my life right now. I’m angry at the Navy for telling lies and stories to him to get him to enlist; I’m angry that he did everything they told him to do to the best of his ability and it still wasn’t good enough; I’m angry that when he had trouble coping and asked for help and guidance they ditched him instead of trying to help him, even though he’s done nothing wrong; I’m angry that they’re taking away so much from him and giving him such a hard time now because he didn’t fit into their mold of a good little drone. Greg and I had plans: during his four years, he’d take college classes and get out into the civilian sector and learn about Japan and learn all he could, he would send money home to help me pay the rent and such since this is now his home. He would grow and gain experience and learn to function outside his previously cloistered world. I would work on getting my debt down and getting back to college and working at improving myself and becoming a better, more sane person. After those four years, Greg would have a career set in the post office and would be guaranteed a position in the civilian sector. I’d have begun to get into a career. And when we were really ready for it, we’d settle down and maybe have a family. Now, that’s all changed.
Greg will have part of retirement fund to roll over, but he’ll never see any of his G. I. Bill money that he set aside to be matched by his bosses. If they give him a general discharge instead of an honorable discharge, it’ll look bad on his record and it might make it harder for him to find a job. I don’t know what kind of medical coverage he may or may not have when he is finally discharged (they’ve been dicking with us when it comes to details of when he’ll actually be home.
I was so mad when I first go the news, because it meant now that I was giving up (or so it really felt) a piece of the independence I finally managed to gain for myself that I’d not even enjoyed for a full year. As much as I was lonely and struggling with the bills and the like, I felt glad that I could just have quiet time at the end of the day. I didn’t have to worry about calling home to tell someone I was going to stay later at work or worrying about me when I went out shopping. I could come and go as I pleased and not have to answer to a soul. I thought that having someone, even just a room mate, would hold me back and keep me from my dreams of cultivation of my soul and deprive me of the time and energy needed to focus on college and a career. Yet at the same time, it never occurred to me for a moment to NOT let Greg move in. He even asked to make sure it was ok, that I didn’t feel angry or burdened by him specifically. He didn’t suggest moving in with me; I was the one who started making the plans.
I love Greg very much. There are still some days I’m scared to love him, and there have been many well-meaning individuals who’ve put doubt in my head about this arrangement. I don’t need any more; I have my own. I’m terrified that we won’t get along, I’m scared to death that it won’t work out, and I’m afraid to think of what might happen to me afterwards if things did go sour. I’ve worried that Greg isn’t ready to be a life partner and won’t be able to help me support this new family. But I’ve also become a bitter and jaded thing in my time. I’ve become a lot like my parents, and I catch myself saying things to Greg about real-life working situations and about how things work and feeling my parents sneak in my tone. I hate that. Giving into their mind set, no matter how practical and well-meaning, made me give up my dreams. I don’t want Greg to do the same. He’s very naïve right now, but he’s smart and he can work hard and when he knows what he wants, he does what he can to make it happen.
There’s a part of me that’s tried to sabotage this relationship for a long time, a part of me that’s terrified to try, terrified of being hurt again, terrified of being wrong and tired of having to work so hard and wonders if love is even worth it. I told myself for years that Greg and I couldn’t be right for each other, no matter how I felt, and that I should let him go and just be friends. Obviously we’ve gone beyond that point. We can’t just “be friends” now. It’s all or nothing. I have always given my all and always gotten screwed, and with all these new changes that I’m really not ready for, I’ve wondered more than once if I’m doing the right thing. But…as I’ve said hundreds of times before…there’s something about that boy that keeps me coming back to him; something that misses him terribly and wishes he could be with me right now, even if having him around for 3 weeks before drove me crazy.
Greg and I made a commitment to each other. I plan to keep my end. It feels more right being with him than with anyone else I’ve dated. Seriously, it feels the most natural. I want this to work so badly.
I think I need to go back to my doctor. I have to follow up with her on the allergy test and get some refills on some previous prescriptions. But I’m starting to wonder if I need something to calm me down. Although the hormonal balance from the birth control pills helps, I still worry and freak out about a lot of things. I hate the idea of being on a pill for everything, but I’m finding it very hard to find the will power to make the small changes that I know will make a difference; I’m still not exercising or eating right or sleeping enough and there are things at work that are starting to get to me. On top of that is my natural tendency to worry that, if I don’t do something that I deem is important on the first try, that it means I’m a terrible person. I still feel horribly guilty that the house keeps getting into such a state of chaos and that I haven’t committed a day to completely reorganizing things and making sure they stay that way. I don’t have as many of the suicidal tendencies anymore, but I do worry that they’ll come back. I’m going to see if maybe there’s something extraordinarily light that I can take, or even a half a tab if a small enough dose doesn’t exist, just to help me calm down a little and think clearly. Just something temporary. Maybe something that will help me be patient.
When I’m not having my mini panic attacks about this, I’m actually very excited. Being away from Greg has been hard. Being alone out here hasn’t been easy. I can’t just pop over to Annie’s or Heather’s when I feel the need to hang out with someone. I have a hard time trying to take care of this place, even though it’s not all that big. Oh, and I still can’t cook. I still have issues with burning things, and I’m no good at learning new recipes and anything over processed or dairy does a number on my stomach. It’s nice to have someone to come home to as well. I loved having Greg to hug me hello when I returned from work. And he lit up when he cooked for me. It was all very basic, but he loved doing it and we had a nice dinner together, something that I don’t get to do with my family outside holidays. A little bit of privacy or solitude to think is one thing, and everyone needs that from time to time, but being alone isn’t fun.
Here’s hoping all goes well. I can’t wait to see him again…
It’s 2am, and I work at 9 and have a long day ahead, but as I’ve had a late nap today I have a little bit of a second wind that I’m trying to take advantage of.
I shouldn’t let this journal go unused. Even if it wasn’t something I was comfortable saying to the whole world, there’s that little thing called the Private Post option. There has been stuff going on lately, I just haven’t been writing about it.
The biggest thing right now is Greg. I thought I should be hush-hush about it, just in case someone from the service is possibly watching this, but the news is out among his colleagues, so me venting about it shouldn’t hurt his chances.
Greg’s getting a medical discharge. Most everyone knows about it by now, but it’s the biggest focus of my life right now. I’m angry at the Navy for telling lies and stories to him to get him to enlist; I’m angry that he did everything they told him to do to the best of his ability and it still wasn’t good enough; I’m angry that when he had trouble coping and asked for help and guidance they ditched him instead of trying to help him, even though he’s done nothing wrong; I’m angry that they’re taking away so much from him and giving him such a hard time now because he didn’t fit into their mold of a good little drone. Greg and I had plans: during his four years, he’d take college classes and get out into the civilian sector and learn about Japan and learn all he could, he would send money home to help me pay the rent and such since this is now his home. He would grow and gain experience and learn to function outside his previously cloistered world. I would work on getting my debt down and getting back to college and working at improving myself and becoming a better, more sane person. After those four years, Greg would have a career set in the post office and would be guaranteed a position in the civilian sector. I’d have begun to get into a career. And when we were really ready for it, we’d settle down and maybe have a family. Now, that’s all changed.
Greg will have part of retirement fund to roll over, but he’ll never see any of his G. I. Bill money that he set aside to be matched by his bosses. If they give him a general discharge instead of an honorable discharge, it’ll look bad on his record and it might make it harder for him to find a job. I don’t know what kind of medical coverage he may or may not have when he is finally discharged (they’ve been dicking with us when it comes to details of when he’ll actually be home.
I was so mad when I first go the news, because it meant now that I was giving up (or so it really felt) a piece of the independence I finally managed to gain for myself that I’d not even enjoyed for a full year. As much as I was lonely and struggling with the bills and the like, I felt glad that I could just have quiet time at the end of the day. I didn’t have to worry about calling home to tell someone I was going to stay later at work or worrying about me when I went out shopping. I could come and go as I pleased and not have to answer to a soul. I thought that having someone, even just a room mate, would hold me back and keep me from my dreams of cultivation of my soul and deprive me of the time and energy needed to focus on college and a career. Yet at the same time, it never occurred to me for a moment to NOT let Greg move in. He even asked to make sure it was ok, that I didn’t feel angry or burdened by him specifically. He didn’t suggest moving in with me; I was the one who started making the plans.
I love Greg very much. There are still some days I’m scared to love him, and there have been many well-meaning individuals who’ve put doubt in my head about this arrangement. I don’t need any more; I have my own. I’m terrified that we won’t get along, I’m scared to death that it won’t work out, and I’m afraid to think of what might happen to me afterwards if things did go sour. I’ve worried that Greg isn’t ready to be a life partner and won’t be able to help me support this new family. But I’ve also become a bitter and jaded thing in my time. I’ve become a lot like my parents, and I catch myself saying things to Greg about real-life working situations and about how things work and feeling my parents sneak in my tone. I hate that. Giving into their mind set, no matter how practical and well-meaning, made me give up my dreams. I don’t want Greg to do the same. He’s very naïve right now, but he’s smart and he can work hard and when he knows what he wants, he does what he can to make it happen.
There’s a part of me that’s tried to sabotage this relationship for a long time, a part of me that’s terrified to try, terrified of being hurt again, terrified of being wrong and tired of having to work so hard and wonders if love is even worth it. I told myself for years that Greg and I couldn’t be right for each other, no matter how I felt, and that I should let him go and just be friends. Obviously we’ve gone beyond that point. We can’t just “be friends” now. It’s all or nothing. I have always given my all and always gotten screwed, and with all these new changes that I’m really not ready for, I’ve wondered more than once if I’m doing the right thing. But…as I’ve said hundreds of times before…there’s something about that boy that keeps me coming back to him; something that misses him terribly and wishes he could be with me right now, even if having him around for 3 weeks before drove me crazy.
Greg and I made a commitment to each other. I plan to keep my end. It feels more right being with him than with anyone else I’ve dated. Seriously, it feels the most natural. I want this to work so badly.
I think I need to go back to my doctor. I have to follow up with her on the allergy test and get some refills on some previous prescriptions. But I’m starting to wonder if I need something to calm me down. Although the hormonal balance from the birth control pills helps, I still worry and freak out about a lot of things. I hate the idea of being on a pill for everything, but I’m finding it very hard to find the will power to make the small changes that I know will make a difference; I’m still not exercising or eating right or sleeping enough and there are things at work that are starting to get to me. On top of that is my natural tendency to worry that, if I don’t do something that I deem is important on the first try, that it means I’m a terrible person. I still feel horribly guilty that the house keeps getting into such a state of chaos and that I haven’t committed a day to completely reorganizing things and making sure they stay that way. I don’t have as many of the suicidal tendencies anymore, but I do worry that they’ll come back. I’m going to see if maybe there’s something extraordinarily light that I can take, or even a half a tab if a small enough dose doesn’t exist, just to help me calm down a little and think clearly. Just something temporary. Maybe something that will help me be patient.
When I’m not having my mini panic attacks about this, I’m actually very excited. Being away from Greg has been hard. Being alone out here hasn’t been easy. I can’t just pop over to Annie’s or Heather’s when I feel the need to hang out with someone. I have a hard time trying to take care of this place, even though it’s not all that big. Oh, and I still can’t cook. I still have issues with burning things, and I’m no good at learning new recipes and anything over processed or dairy does a number on my stomach. It’s nice to have someone to come home to as well. I loved having Greg to hug me hello when I returned from work. And he lit up when he cooked for me. It was all very basic, but he loved doing it and we had a nice dinner together, something that I don’t get to do with my family outside holidays. A little bit of privacy or solitude to think is one thing, and everyone needs that from time to time, but being alone isn’t fun.
Here’s hoping all goes well. I can’t wait to see him again…