fucked it up far too much

[sara_automatica]

"So nothing went accroding to plan...Everything backfired. He came over but i wasnt allowed to say a word cause my parents made me stay in their room. He talks to my parents and neither of them say anything sticking up for me and sara...like my mom said she would. All I heard her say to him is that she understand where hes coming from. Then the asshole even said it was nice meeting you...just cause he had succeded in convincing my parents that I should leave Sara alone. So he leaves and i come out looking more pissed then ive ever been in my entire life. Apparently he didnt let my parents read the notes he found while he was there. He gave the notes to them for them to read after he left. My mom says dont fuss until after we read these. So dad starts reading the first note and points out a little thing that says I wanted to marry her. Hes like what the hell? You want to get married?! So i get up and walk over to my mom and said If hes gonna be like this i dont want to hear anymore of what you all have to say. dad heard this so he jumps up and starts screaming at me to get over there and sit down. Before I even move he starts shaking his fist and has the same look on his face as he did on the night i ran away because i was tired of the hittings. He starts yelling that he just asked a question and there was no need to get it that tone and if i didnt sit down and shut up then Shit was gonna hit the fan. So he continues to read the notes and finally gets done. I looked over at the notes and their wasnt any note that had any actual refrence that we had done anything. But then he starts cussin me out again and saying he know exactly whats going on and why im not allowd to see her. Cause i refered to sexual things and what not and talking about getting married that He respected her parents decisions. He also respected the names and such that her dad called and made fun of me. I had no say in anything... So my moms like well what do you expect them to do when they think their 15 year old daughter might be thinking about having sex...and my dad cuts her off and screams They are having sex! Theres no doubt about it. He says to honor her parents wish's that i shouldnt see Sara anymore unless im just talking to her at school. Then he goes on about hows shes 15. 15! I was 15 when I lost my virginity...and many others. he just keeps giving me all this crap about that and he didnt care earlier that day. This is where i start fighting. Im already in tears like 15 minutes before this but this is where i start fighting. Im like why shouldnt I see her? Im like shes more mature then any other person i know...and whats wrong with me? Im a good kid! Ive never smoked or done drugs, I dont drink, I dont get in trouble alot and i dunno... Then my dads like you gotta quit thinking about yourself. Think about her parents. So i do and im like hmmm... Parents who care more about there daughter dating a 17 year old than there 19 year old son who in the past month has gone to jail twice. Then i start thinking about how both of her parents are pot heads and i start thinking hmm...I keep her away from drugs and alcohol...maybe thats what her parents want her to be doing... And then i guess this is where my dad decideds that its a good time to make fun of his son and tell him how much of an embarassment i am. Hes like another thing, your apearance might be why her parents dont like you... With your nasty blue hair and your ripped pants and your nasty colors that dont match and your pink shoes and pink shirts and your earings. Mom notices that this really starts to tick me off...dad continues and says i should dress more like a young adult and wear collared shirts and then my mom cuts him off and was like dont do this to him. So he changes to subject to school. Hes like you dont try...you never have! Im currently making the best grades(besides english) that ive ever made in my entire life. Cause i wanted to try...to prove to my dad i could be a good student even if Im an individual who dresses weird and had blue hair. But i dont give a damn anymore. Hes just goin on and on about how im an embarassment and hes like at my work when people come in with applications i judge them by their appearance before i look at their resume. What the hell. "Never judge a book by its cover" HEs like i dont agree with how you dress and look but i let you anyways cause thats what you want to do. Well if you let me do this dad then shut the fuck up about how you dont want me to do it. So i get back on the subject about sara cause i was to the point where i no longer think of my dad as my dad...more of a person im forced to speak to every now and then about my personnel business. So i go on and on and dont let him interupt. Im going on about how much i care about her and what not and then my moms like i know you have legitimate feelings for her justin. I know you think shes the one or whatever but you have to understand shes 15 (yes im well aware by now thank you) and you were in a serious relationship with Kayla for along time but...and dad interupts her and is like perfect example. You thought kayla was the perfect girlfriend and all and then it came to an end and it wasnt the end of the world. Oh how they have no idea. At the moment it was the end of the world. I was torn apart. I thought about death. I thought about suicide. But id never do anything retarded like cut my wrist or take pills. I was more clever. I rode around on hwy 98 at 10 o'clock at night wearing all black hoping to get hit. After getting just a couple of honks and swerves i decided to go tell someone that the person i shared my life with for 2 years just dumped me. That person just happened to be Sara. But that was the beauty about it all. I cried and cried but i get to Sara's and i couldnt cry...I wanted to cry... I wanted to be comforted and held and told everything would be alright. But i couldnt cry in front of her. It was honestly the most amazing feeling ive ever had in my life. I do believe it really was the love at first sight feeling. I dunno how but just having that feeling made me want to be with sara. And when i left from saras that night i started crying again about kayla. And when i got home i cried to my parents. I cried to my aunt and uncle. I cried to all of my friends. But then i talked to sara again and once again i couldnt cry. Sara made all the pain and suffering go away just by seeing her smile. And for all the jerks that say she was a rebound...this is the story so quit thinking that. So what if I fell in love with her? Kayla and Alex fell in love just as fast as we did. No offense to Kayla at all in anyway either cause i still love and care for Kayla as one of the most best friend i will ever have in my life and im so happy for her and alex. I hope they move in and get married. I wish everyone could have what they believe is right. So after i said some of this to my parents my dad realizes that i honestly care for Sara. So then he looks apolagetic (sp?) cause i probally looked like the most beat person ever by now cause this is like after an hour of me just taking a verbal beating. So then hes like if you really want this realtion ship and care about her as much as you say...then let things die down a bit. maybe in a couple of weeks you'll need to go to her parents and let them know that you will respect their rules but you still want to see their daughter and that you will not treat there daughter right and will not do any wrong doing to her. He told me that this was the only way if i really wanted this and he said there might be a chance i can save this realtionship. He told me to tell him when im ready and that he would even drive me over there and tell them that i would like to talk to them. I dont think i'd ever be ready for that cause dad said i couldnt have a bad attitude towards any of their decisons...and i have nothing but complete hate for the 2 right now...
But i guess there is hope...
Cause i will always love Sara...
I honestly think she is the one and its different this time cause i have a little proof. That first night when i couldnt cry...I knew it meant somthing. I have very little faith but theres gotta be a reason we are still together and trying to stay...cause if this were anyone else i would have ended this long ago.
I guess all i can do is belive and hope...
and i will..."

- - Justin's current entry.

Thats my life.