stuff, a real entry.
my grandpa died november 4th. i liked my grandpa. it, it was like every other funeral ive been to, or at least the ones i havent been able to wiggle out of. i hate funerals. i cant stand the idea of a person in my head changing so drastically that i have to walk up and look and see them unmoving, totally unmoving up there in a pine-box. and funerals are so fake. there was some pastor who claimed to have called him a friend but he didnt know him at all. and that devil woman jane was the one who asked him to come there. but funerals where they have open caskets are so inconsiderate. its just seems too, easy. all those things you might have wanted to say, now you have a picture, just as dead, just as fake, to take the fall and theres no reply. i went in and sat in the back row. i saw that the casket was open, and i sat in the back row. out of the top of my eyes i could see it was open, and that my grandpa was in there, but he could as easily have been near there or somewhere else out of the center of my vision. i hate funerals. and the flowers. i hate the flowers. you can pay someone money enough to arrange flowers that are grown in a little glass house-tank and put your name on it. i would never give someone flowers like that. theres no feeling there. its like when you get a get well soon card from work or school. the teacher/boss thought it would be "nice" to send a card and have everyone sign it and everyone could feel good about themselves and such. i hate funerals and i hate nice. i mean i guess i dont hate nice. nice is a big part of my life, but id like to hate it. if anyone gives my flowers like that they can just stop being my friend right now. and i dont want to wear clothes i wouldnt wear when i was alive. i hate funerals. and i hate it when people make me go. or actually not make me go, id hate it less if there was no choice. i get guilted into going. and then im busy and my other grandparents think im ignoring them because im busy and they only wanna talk about the same things we talked about last time they were here. it hasnt been too long. only some months. my life has been only some months long since last i stopped to think. and she waved her hand, not in a good way when she said i was ignoring her at the funeral home. when all i did was sit down by myself. if you dont make an attempt to talk to someone, you cant accuse them of ignoring you. i hate funerals. i hate what funerals do to people. everyone was laughing and having a nice time. the pastor was too jesusy. i liked my grandpa. ill miss him once i let myself on the fact that hes gone.