sweet-heart, bitter-heart, now i can't tell you apart
I am really confused.
I am miserable here. I'm definately not the only one. I need a new life. I need my old friends. I am not quite sure if I am going to wait until my lease is up and I'm done with my AmeriCorps year, or if I am going to put my spot in the house up for grabs on Craigslist and just book it back to Pennsylvania. I could make it until the end of the summer. But, I don't want to. It's a matter of what's best for my career, my roomies, etc. I am going to start applying to other jobs though, that's a given.
Central Pennsylvania has many faults: the racism, the sexism, the overall backward way of life that the majority of the people there lead. But it's in the middle of everyone (or almost everyone) I know and love. Getting to D.C. would only take 2 hours, Philadelphia is about 3 hours, Carlisle is in Central PA, Virginia is the same distance from Central PA as it is from Greensboro. Even Michigan and my family are closer. Harrisburg (or, communting to Harrisburg) sounds like a decent idea for now.
I am, however, concerned that I am going on a wild goose-chase for some untangible idea of happiness that I will never really get to. Can't I at least be complacent? That's really all I ask. I ask that I don't have to go home every night, and stay in every weekend just because I have nowhere else to go and no one else to see. I just really ask that I don't feel constant lonliness down here. That's really all, damnit. I mean, who deserves to be home alone on their birthday eating nothing but mac and cheese, crying to their mother on the phone? I don't expect anything out of birthdays anymore, but jesus...some company or cake would have been nice.
Grrrr arrrg. I quit life.
Not really, but I want to.