WOW!
this is so great, i didnt think there would be a group like this..
anyway, hello
im mike
18 years old
an ftm bisexual
from brooklyn NY
ednos for about 6 years...
anyway, i wrote a essay about the topic of this group a few days ago ill post it now:
To Bear with it- or not to bear with it: the Question a young leather Cub needs to answer as he suffers from an eating disorder in a community that encourages self love at any weight. By: Leather_bratboy@yahoo.com
Yesterday, as I was in the shower relaxing after a long day working on my site Leather Love- NYC, I realized I was a walking contradiction. I had spent all day searching through my favorite Bear sites, one of which has a link to a healthy Body Image page, and here I was freaking out about the fact that I could not see my crotch unless I made the effort to bend over and look. I am about 15 pounds heavier then what my weight according to height, age, and sex is supposed to be; many would say that is not a problem- but with a distorted body image caused by my disorder it is something I battle with everyday, and as a cub who is encouraged to be healthy and cuddly I find myself in an odd position.
Several years ago I was diagnosed with EDNOS (Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified). In my case that meant I had a collection of compulsive over eating, bulimia, and anorexia jumbled inside of me taking turns at my head whenever they saw fit. Many people think that eating disordered people are the female models on the cover of Vogue, eating a half calorie mint for dinner- but they are wrong. I am no model. I am a proud member of the BDSM community and that includes my cub identity.As it goes, no matter how proud I am- no matter how happy I can be, a disorder doesn't go away in a day; its much deeper than the media, or control. So then this is where this essay is born-my question and the journey to find the answer begins: As I battle with this disorder can I keep the Cub pride alive?
Although Bear and cub culture cannot be defined for what it is in just one sentence it can definitely be defined for what it is not. It is not a sub-culture that enforces a set standard of what perfection is and in that definition alone I have already contradicted my identity. I would like to mention now that my eating disorder did not come about from a dior need to become a walking six pack. My eating disorder developed in a time of life where I did not have the ability to deal with what was occurring so I developed the only survival tactic I knew- deny myself of need. My life became so unstable that subconsciously my mind made sense of the idea that I must not eat because eating meant that I was hungry, that I was empty and I did not was to admit the need- for in my mind need was weakness. Then of course after denying myself of need and in turn hunger the desperation kicked in and I started over eating, and then after that the guilt of loosing that control and giving in to food caused my bulimia. It is a psychological problem that I take out on my body - but it is not a vein behavior.
By this part of my essay I assume some of you are still trying to understand the problem. Probably thinking "ok, so you have an eating disorder and your a cub? then just get counseling for your ED and be a happy cub!" and this is where I take advantage of the chance to give you statistics. 20% of ED sufferers do not improve, even with treatment. Also, this treatment they talk about is EXPENSIVE and most health insurance companies do not cover treatment because they feel ED's are a "choice". And even so, treatment centers only admit patients that are below BMI which means only anorexics are allowed for the most part. EDNOS is ignored too many times. Here are more statistics, 1/3 recover after initial treatment; 1/3 fluctuate with recovery and relapse- the rest die. Most people play see saw with their ED's their whole life, and although I haven't given up- I am being realistic. So then there is the next stage of this essay.And I keep with my question- As I battle with this disorder can I keep the Cub pride alive?
Everyday my Leather daddy/bear tries to cheer me up with a song he made up for me- a song that humorously talks about that fact that I am a not a very hairy cub; he sings : "Not a lot of hair! Not even there! Mikey is a cub!" as he tickles me all over. As a cub that loves his papa bear dearly I look forward to that song, but I dread it at the same time, for the song includes tickling and my ED immediately takes over and reminds me "you need to starve and loose some weight- the more he tickles you he will feel the fat and will know you are too weak to control yourself".
And I hope this is were the conflict starts to make more sense. Bear cub activities shouldn't be spent on worrying about weight. Pride Marches shouldn't be walked boiling under a big baggy black shirt because of fear that people will see my gut. Cuddling shouldn't induce panic out of fear that someone will notice the "fat aka weakness/loss of control".What is a cub without cub values? Is this cub still considered a cub?
It is an impossible attempt to separate my life and my disorder, my disorder influences everything and so it will until the day I brake free of it. Until then it is something I must deal with, and so this is where I must answer my question.
As I battle with this disorder can I keep the Cub pride alive? And my answer is Yes.It will be hard, I will struggle, I might relapse during trials of recovery, but what is in my head is in my head and I will earn to think otherwise- though what is in my heart stays in my heart. and my pride lives in my heart. So, as long as my heart is still beating I am still a leather cub. With the strength and care from my Bear I will survive this. For the love of the community I will overcome. I am willing to bear with it after all.
Written by leather_bratboy@yahoo.com, the morning after the shower, while eating a giant bowl of Chef Boyardee ravioli.
Please ask for permission if you want to post this elsewhere. Thank you.
anyway, hello
im mike
18 years old
an ftm bisexual
from brooklyn NY
ednos for about 6 years...
anyway, i wrote a essay about the topic of this group a few days ago ill post it now:
To Bear with it- or not to bear with it: the Question a young leather Cub needs to answer as he suffers from an eating disorder in a community that encourages self love at any weight. By: Leather_bratboy@yahoo.com
Yesterday, as I was in the shower relaxing after a long day working on my site Leather Love- NYC, I realized I was a walking contradiction. I had spent all day searching through my favorite Bear sites, one of which has a link to a healthy Body Image page, and here I was freaking out about the fact that I could not see my crotch unless I made the effort to bend over and look. I am about 15 pounds heavier then what my weight according to height, age, and sex is supposed to be; many would say that is not a problem- but with a distorted body image caused by my disorder it is something I battle with everyday, and as a cub who is encouraged to be healthy and cuddly I find myself in an odd position.
Several years ago I was diagnosed with EDNOS (Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified). In my case that meant I had a collection of compulsive over eating, bulimia, and anorexia jumbled inside of me taking turns at my head whenever they saw fit. Many people think that eating disordered people are the female models on the cover of Vogue, eating a half calorie mint for dinner- but they are wrong. I am no model. I am a proud member of the BDSM community and that includes my cub identity.As it goes, no matter how proud I am- no matter how happy I can be, a disorder doesn't go away in a day; its much deeper than the media, or control. So then this is where this essay is born-my question and the journey to find the answer begins: As I battle with this disorder can I keep the Cub pride alive?
Although Bear and cub culture cannot be defined for what it is in just one sentence it can definitely be defined for what it is not. It is not a sub-culture that enforces a set standard of what perfection is and in that definition alone I have already contradicted my identity. I would like to mention now that my eating disorder did not come about from a dior need to become a walking six pack. My eating disorder developed in a time of life where I did not have the ability to deal with what was occurring so I developed the only survival tactic I knew- deny myself of need. My life became so unstable that subconsciously my mind made sense of the idea that I must not eat because eating meant that I was hungry, that I was empty and I did not was to admit the need- for in my mind need was weakness. Then of course after denying myself of need and in turn hunger the desperation kicked in and I started over eating, and then after that the guilt of loosing that control and giving in to food caused my bulimia. It is a psychological problem that I take out on my body - but it is not a vein behavior.
By this part of my essay I assume some of you are still trying to understand the problem. Probably thinking "ok, so you have an eating disorder and your a cub? then just get counseling for your ED and be a happy cub!" and this is where I take advantage of the chance to give you statistics. 20% of ED sufferers do not improve, even with treatment. Also, this treatment they talk about is EXPENSIVE and most health insurance companies do not cover treatment because they feel ED's are a "choice". And even so, treatment centers only admit patients that are below BMI which means only anorexics are allowed for the most part. EDNOS is ignored too many times. Here are more statistics, 1/3 recover after initial treatment; 1/3 fluctuate with recovery and relapse- the rest die. Most people play see saw with their ED's their whole life, and although I haven't given up- I am being realistic. So then there is the next stage of this essay.And I keep with my question- As I battle with this disorder can I keep the Cub pride alive?
Everyday my Leather daddy/bear tries to cheer me up with a song he made up for me- a song that humorously talks about that fact that I am a not a very hairy cub; he sings : "Not a lot of hair! Not even there! Mikey is a cub!" as he tickles me all over. As a cub that loves his papa bear dearly I look forward to that song, but I dread it at the same time, for the song includes tickling and my ED immediately takes over and reminds me "you need to starve and loose some weight- the more he tickles you he will feel the fat and will know you are too weak to control yourself".
And I hope this is were the conflict starts to make more sense. Bear cub activities shouldn't be spent on worrying about weight. Pride Marches shouldn't be walked boiling under a big baggy black shirt because of fear that people will see my gut. Cuddling shouldn't induce panic out of fear that someone will notice the "fat aka weakness/loss of control".What is a cub without cub values? Is this cub still considered a cub?
It is an impossible attempt to separate my life and my disorder, my disorder influences everything and so it will until the day I brake free of it. Until then it is something I must deal with, and so this is where I must answer my question.
As I battle with this disorder can I keep the Cub pride alive? And my answer is Yes.It will be hard, I will struggle, I might relapse during trials of recovery, but what is in my head is in my head and I will earn to think otherwise- though what is in my heart stays in my heart. and my pride lives in my heart. So, as long as my heart is still beating I am still a leather cub. With the strength and care from my Bear I will survive this. For the love of the community I will overcome. I am willing to bear with it after all.
Written by leather_bratboy@yahoo.com, the morning after the shower, while eating a giant bowl of Chef Boyardee ravioli.
Please ask for permission if you want to post this elsewhere. Thank you.