i get sad
i don't know what sort of fucked up empathy design God had in mind when He made me, but i don't really enjoy it much. i get sad over the stupidest things. i get sad when i see someone run for the bus that i'm on, and it pulls away and they don't get on it. i get sad when the same people come into Noah's every morning and order the same thing, in the same tone of voice. i get sad at little things that shouldn't matter to me but totally do. the worst, saddest thing was the other day. this lady came into work and wanted to know if we would donate something for some silent auction at her kid's school. this of course isn't sad to me, it's perfectly normal. what was sad was that an hour later, when i had clocked out and gone to sit at the bus stop, i noticed her walking past me with a folder in her hand. obviously she was still walking around Queen Anne trying to get donations for her kid's thing. what i noticed most of all was that her foot was in one of those brace things, that you can walk on, but is obviously injured. what i also noticed was that it was raining, as it does here. and i couldn't help but get profoundly sad at this lady who was walking up and down this street, trying to get donations for her child's school, with a severely injured foot, in the rain. these donations weren't even for her, they were for her child, who more than likely would tell their mom how unfair life was at some point, and how much they hate her, and how unhappy they are. i get sad thinking about it now, because i can't get the thought of that lady hobbling down the sidewalk out of my head. it makes me think of all the money my parents wasted on me growing up, and how they bought me toys i don't even remember now, when they could have been using that money to pay off debt, or buy food. it reminds me of all the times one of my parents would sit in their car and wait for the band bus to get back from some competition in high school, at 2 in the morning. it makes me think of the time when i was in middle school, and school got out early and i went to my neighbor's house and played SNES for 2 hours, and i didn't even think about anything else, until my dad showed up, and he had been worried, and he had been standing at the bus stop waiting for me with a rain coat, because it was supposed to rain really badly and that's why we got out of school early, and i still to this day picture my dad standing there waiting for me, and it makes me so sad. i can't help but think how selfish i was as a child, and how selfish most children are, and it depresses the hell out of me. everything our parents give up for us, and we never quite find a way to repay them. it makes my stomach clench like a fist of some fighter right before an uppercut, and it makes my heart feel small enough to shove inside a fly's body. i don't cry, but i feel like i should, and i feel like i'm the most useless human being there ever was. i get sad, and i don't know how to fix it.