Broken - Part 1
Title: I. Over
Pairing: Kangjun/Ray
Genre: angst
Rating: PG13(?) for mild language
Summary: I’m tired. Tired of your absences; tired of waiting until the early hours of the morning; tired of holding onto your empty promises for return and, most importantly, tired of us.
Series: Broken
Note: More dabbling in the world of fanfiction, inspired by the wonderful, complicated world of roleplay. Idek
Part II
“Jun-- I’m tired.”
It was just as he said. It wasn’t a question, or a hypothesis, or a topic open for debate. No. It was just that. A statement; a confession… a growing realization.
This wasn’t his usual whispers of ‘I’m sleepy Junnie, come to bed already,’ with that extra yawn and a stretch. This wasn’t the tell-tale groan rumbling from the limp bodies of the exhausted members, the unified ‘Ugh, I’m so tired,’ everyone mumbles with lidded eyes just before each pass out on their respective bunks, and this definitely was not the tiny giggled ‘goodnight Junnie’ he gets to hear every night -the nights he’s home, anyway- when he’s got his boyfriend wrapped lovingly in his arms.
I’m tired.
Tired of your absences; tired of waiting until the early hours of the morning; tired of holding onto your empty promises for return and, most importantly, tired of us.
“Ray, I-“ he starts. But then he decides, No. His excuses were spent, much like he currently is. His arguments have already become empty; useless. In the end it was always the same, he repeated himself over and over and somehow, the other always forgave him.
‘I’ll try harder,’ Is what lingers on the tip of his tongue. It’s what he says, every time he comes back to the dorms for another night of petty, unnecessary fights. They usually don’t last long, anyway. It takes a couple more apologies sometimes; maybe a long-overdue kiss or something of the sort. And it always works out again, somehow.
But not this time.
Suddenly the air around them becomes too thick; the silence too suffocating. The hard, wooden structure of the kitchen chair he’s sitting stiffly in becomes too uncomfortable; not that anything about their situation wasn’t already. He crosses his legs; uncrosses them. He tries again. “Baby-- Ray, please. Give me a ch-“
Ray loses it.
His palm connects with the table, the slap echoing louder than necessary in the otherwise empty room. “No. I’m sick of this, Jun. I’m sick of putting up with your dumb excuses. I forgive you, every time around, thinking you’ll genuinely change but I’m rewarded, every time, with nothing. I’m tired of having to deal with this… this thing between us.” His eyes are dangerously narrowed, and his knuckles white from where his fingernails are pressed harshly into his palm. “Sure, you come around to eat when you feel like; you keep yourself locked in your room during the day, and apart from schedules you’re just off to God knows where! I’m your boyfriend, is it so much to ask for you to pay a little attention to me? I maybe see you for a couple of hours if I’m lucky. Hell, I see my friends more than I see you and I share a goddamn room with you!” He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath, as if the blood boiling in his veins were threatening to pop at any minute. He isn’t one to curse, really. But he was angry. So, so angry because the one in front of him is the one he loves.
By now the one in question was furious. He turns an irate eye on his boyfriend and scoots his chair back noisily as he stands up, fists clenched at his sides. This wasn’t a good night for him at all. He needed to be calm… he was not supposed to explode today. “Oh, is this how it is now? Huh? Am I so unworthy of your time that you can’t even find it in you to wait a couple days?” He rolls his eyes, clearly exasperated with the repeat of yet another argument, emphasizing his point with a jerk of his hand. “I’m trying to give you space here. All you seem to do is mope about how miserable and lonely you are; and yet whenever I try to do what I can to help, I just get pushed away. Haven’t you considered the fact that I’m tired, too? Do you really think I want to be having this conversation right now?” Fisting a hand in his hair, he made a noise close to one of both frustration and annoyance before he, too, lets out a breath and squeezes his eyes shut, dropping his hand as he lifts his gaze to glance warily at the other. “You’re not even happy anymore, are you?”
At first there’s silence.
Long, drawn-out silence. The occasional dripping of the leaky faucet suddenly sounds so much louder than it does during the day; the clinks of each water droplet hitting the bottom of the sink become magnified to their ears. The entire dorm is still; and the tiny snores drifting past the slightly ajar door of the maknae’s room seem to be the object of focus; it makes Kangjun want to end this and apologize right then and there because Maru is sleeping and can’t this wait until tomorrow because I need sleep- but Ray is a heartbeat quicker and he finally raises his head, eyes glazed over with a mixture of emotions before he shakes his head, voice barely a whisper, so much that Kangjun barely caught it; but he does anyway.
“No… I’m not.”
He knew he should have seen it coming. How could he not? They had spent too many a sleepless night apart from each other; though they were never very far, the distances between their hearts only seemed to increase with each passing day. Needless to say, the three simple word s barely choked from the lips of his lover hurt. A lot. “No…” he begs, wanting to deny it all; wanting to wake up because he’s positive this is a dream. It had to be. “No, please… I’m sorry, I love you, Ray please… don’t leave me…”
Ray takes a step back and is the first to tear his gaze from the younger boy, swallowing harshly before he shakes his head, yet again. “I can’t do this anymore. This… this wasn’t how I wanted to end. But I just… I can’t- I’m sorry. I really, really am. Don’t let me hold you back. You’ll be happier this way, right? One less burden to carry…” His own eyes are stinging; Ray knows. But what is he to do when their relationship has already fallen hopelessly apart?
The room is spinning. There’s a wild pounding in his head and in his chest - he’s not sure where it’s coming from anymore. His knees feel week and start to tremble underneath him; he’s afraid he won’t be standing for much longer, and he probably would have already collapsed if it wasn’t for his grip on the counter. His vision starts to swim, his eyes start to blur and the corners of his heart are crumbling, much like he himself is about to. “No… no, no…” he drops to his knees, wincing as they come in contact with the floor with a dulled thud. His boyfriend takes another step back and he’s quick to react, reaching out to grab his arm before circling his fingers around his wrist in a death grip, words reduced to hoarse whimpers. “I promise I’ll change, I promise we’ll work this out, I promise…”
“Don’t fight it, Jun. Our time is over.” Ray hates apologies. He hates them because he knows the younger male isn’t completely at fault; he knows he has himself to blame, too, but he can’t bring himself to admit it. The heartbreak is present in his own eyes when he finally turns away, needing to get away before he breaks down into tears too. Sighing once, he holds his ground and tries to break free of the other’s fierce grip. He shakes his head; wrenches his hand from the confining fingers.
Kangjun can only try not to break when the coarse material of Ray’s shirt unceremoniously grazes his palm, the rough movement of the fabric burning his skin. He’s shaking by now, sobs wracking his slender frame as he pleads; pride long gone and replaced with fear; agony; desperation. The smooth tiles of the kitchen floor feel hard and cold under his knees but he feels none of it. Not when the individual pieces of his heart are being wrenched out of him, twisted cruelly between imaginary fingers and then crushed painfully underneath an angry heel. Nothing’s hurt him this much before. “Ray, ple-“
The other stops, standing still as he faces the door, face void of any emotion. He turns his head; looks back one last time.
“Goodbye, Kang Jun.”
--
A/N: I don’t know, did it suck? I wish I could portray my visions easier, gdi. I hate broken relationships and I’m hating myself rn. /goes to sob rivers of tears;; I’ll be back with part two, soon <3
Comments are always loved!