Behind Backs
Before anyone asks, there was no specific event that actually 'set this off.' These are just some thoughts I've always had on the subject, and I felt like discussing them, and I felt like the best time to discuss them was when there was no specific event pending on the matter. If anyone's ever been in a situation that sounds like the vague situations I described, it's possible that that situation helped shaped my thoughts on the matter, but there's certainly no one trigger, and this is no eruption.
One of the things that have always gotten to me the most when someone says something along the lines of hating people who talk about other people behind their backs is that usually, the person who's saying that is talking about someone specific (and sometimes names even get mentioned), and therefore, in the process of complaining about people who talk about other people behind their backs, they are becoming just that kind of person.
But the other problem is, I'm inclined to think that talking about other people is just a natural and unavoidable byproduct of human interaction. I understand, of course, why people get angry when they discover they're the ones being discussed, because I've been in that boat. It's jarring; we all have these ideas built up about how other people think of us, and such things tend to contradict the ideas. The biggest idea many of us have is, "I'm a reasonable person and would react reasonably when someone brings me a valid complaint, so there's no reason anyone should have to talk to anyone else instead." This is a huge illusion, because at the end of the day, humans aren't very reasonable, but most of us still like to think we are, and any hint that the truth may be otherwise hurts. I've had that happened, I've gotten angry, I've even lashed out... but I do try to get over it as quickly as possible, because I firmly believe that everyone does it, and if you refuse to ever speak to anyone done that, odds are, you're going to be left with no one to talk with.
There are a number of reasons why it happens, but I think the ultimate reason is simply this: people talk. People talk to friends. People talk to friends about what they're thinking about, good or bad. Sometimes, what people are thinking about are other people, and it's not always going to be flattering, even when the 'other people' are friends to all involved. That's just the way it is, and it's just people being people.
There are other reasons or sub-reasons. Sometimes people do it because they are venting to a sympathetic listener. Person A is angry with something Person B did, and wants external confirmation that it's reasonable for them to be frustrated, so they talk to Person C about it. Maybe Person A is trying to figure out a solution to a problem they're having with Person B, and by complaining about it to Person C, they basically invite suggestions on how to deal with the problem. Or, on the other hand, perhaps Person A feels that going directly to Person B will accomplish nothing, but feels a need to vent. Maybe, despite their problems, Person A still likes Person B enough to put up with their clashes, and to avoid blowing up at Person B and ending their friendship, they find a third party who's willing to act as an emotional heat-sink.
There are also times when all of us just have to get along with someone we don't like, or at least put up the best possible effort. Taking problems directly to these people accomplish nothing at all, but by holding things in, we risk being angrier towards those whose opinions we do care about. Again, we come back to the need for a sympathetic ear.
Sometimes, Person A knows that word will get back to Person B, and they talk to Person C anyway. Maybe Person C knows Person B better than Person A does, and Person A is trying to compare notes, to gauge what Person B's likely reaction will be, and to even open up a line of communication with the using a third party.
Of course, there are the stereotypical reasons for talking about a person behind their back. Person A is trying to hurt Person B, or Person A is trying to poison Person C's opinion about Person B. These tend to be the reasons people assume are in play, but honestly, I'm inclined to think they're the least likely of causes. If anything, I believe the main cause is the first one I mentioned: people talk about other people because people talk, and that's all there is to it. But when you find out that you're Person B, it's least hurtful to just try to think of Person A in the worst light possible.
I am human. I do talk to my friends about what is on my mind. Sometimes what is on my mind are other friends, and I'm sorry for that, but I don't see the situation changing any time soon. For one thing, thanks to the momentum that conversations often have, I don't always realize it's started to happen until it's already over and done with. For myself, the thing that I intend to work on the most is letting it go when I learn I've become a Person B. Being angry all the time just takes up too much energy, everyone does it, and really, forgiveness is the fastest way to get back to getting along with both Person A and Person C. And it's during those fleeting moments when we actually do get along with friends, despite humans being humans with all their attendant flaws, that everyone can be happier.
One of the things that have always gotten to me the most when someone says something along the lines of hating people who talk about other people behind their backs is that usually, the person who's saying that is talking about someone specific (and sometimes names even get mentioned), and therefore, in the process of complaining about people who talk about other people behind their backs, they are becoming just that kind of person.
But the other problem is, I'm inclined to think that talking about other people is just a natural and unavoidable byproduct of human interaction. I understand, of course, why people get angry when they discover they're the ones being discussed, because I've been in that boat. It's jarring; we all have these ideas built up about how other people think of us, and such things tend to contradict the ideas. The biggest idea many of us have is, "I'm a reasonable person and would react reasonably when someone brings me a valid complaint, so there's no reason anyone should have to talk to anyone else instead." This is a huge illusion, because at the end of the day, humans aren't very reasonable, but most of us still like to think we are, and any hint that the truth may be otherwise hurts. I've had that happened, I've gotten angry, I've even lashed out... but I do try to get over it as quickly as possible, because I firmly believe that everyone does it, and if you refuse to ever speak to anyone done that, odds are, you're going to be left with no one to talk with.
There are a number of reasons why it happens, but I think the ultimate reason is simply this: people talk. People talk to friends. People talk to friends about what they're thinking about, good or bad. Sometimes, what people are thinking about are other people, and it's not always going to be flattering, even when the 'other people' are friends to all involved. That's just the way it is, and it's just people being people.
There are other reasons or sub-reasons. Sometimes people do it because they are venting to a sympathetic listener. Person A is angry with something Person B did, and wants external confirmation that it's reasonable for them to be frustrated, so they talk to Person C about it. Maybe Person A is trying to figure out a solution to a problem they're having with Person B, and by complaining about it to Person C, they basically invite suggestions on how to deal with the problem. Or, on the other hand, perhaps Person A feels that going directly to Person B will accomplish nothing, but feels a need to vent. Maybe, despite their problems, Person A still likes Person B enough to put up with their clashes, and to avoid blowing up at Person B and ending their friendship, they find a third party who's willing to act as an emotional heat-sink.
There are also times when all of us just have to get along with someone we don't like, or at least put up the best possible effort. Taking problems directly to these people accomplish nothing at all, but by holding things in, we risk being angrier towards those whose opinions we do care about. Again, we come back to the need for a sympathetic ear.
Sometimes, Person A knows that word will get back to Person B, and they talk to Person C anyway. Maybe Person C knows Person B better than Person A does, and Person A is trying to compare notes, to gauge what Person B's likely reaction will be, and to even open up a line of communication with the using a third party.
Of course, there are the stereotypical reasons for talking about a person behind their back. Person A is trying to hurt Person B, or Person A is trying to poison Person C's opinion about Person B. These tend to be the reasons people assume are in play, but honestly, I'm inclined to think they're the least likely of causes. If anything, I believe the main cause is the first one I mentioned: people talk about other people because people talk, and that's all there is to it. But when you find out that you're Person B, it's least hurtful to just try to think of Person A in the worst light possible.
I am human. I do talk to my friends about what is on my mind. Sometimes what is on my mind are other friends, and I'm sorry for that, but I don't see the situation changing any time soon. For one thing, thanks to the momentum that conversations often have, I don't always realize it's started to happen until it's already over and done with. For myself, the thing that I intend to work on the most is letting it go when I learn I've become a Person B. Being angry all the time just takes up too much energy, everyone does it, and really, forgiveness is the fastest way to get back to getting along with both Person A and Person C. And it's during those fleeting moments when we actually do get along with friends, despite humans being humans with all their attendant flaws, that everyone can be happier.