depression
It's been a long long long time since I last posted an entry.
I've been busy with work. (I hate being a working adult) And I've been addicted to computer games. But mostly....
I've been going through depression.
The most of last year has been a constant struggle. Tears, anger, disappointments, lots of wishing that things would change; that it would get better, frustrations, more disappointments, plenty of doubts, even more tears, isolation, avoidance, loss, grief....
Oddly enough, with that myriad of overwhelming emotions everyday, I could hardly blog anymore. Could hardly express myself, my thoughts, my grief, my loss. I have had several times attempted to write something, but always, I have been held back by memories of insensitive words - words that do not understand, words that slice through the heart rather than heal it.
"Oh, you just need to move on."
"You'll meet new people, and soon you'll have new friends"
"Pray.... pray... pray...."
"All you need is God"
Good intentions I hope. True to a certain extent too. But insensitive all the same. Or maybe I just couldn't accept it just like that. It took me so long, so many 'I think I'm crazy', far too many tears and heart aches to finally approach professional help, an independent counsellor, to whom I can just talk without feeling condemned or judged or reprimanded. After 6 sessions, I was on my own again. So I seeked out the NHS (medical health service) which unfortunately has a long waiting list.
A few more months of trying to hang in there without professional help, I finally thought I'm starting to cope just alright on my own. I'm not doing great, but at least I'm no longer crying all the time on my way to work, on my way back from work. At least I'm no longer crying myself to sleep, wishing that sleep would take me away.
But here I find myself again, going through the same destructive cycle... wishing that life would end somehow to take away my head aches. Ah. But I have a problem. I am terrified of death. Irony.
Then again, I never really got out of the cycle. I was just suppressing it.
I don't really know if I'll ever write again about my depression publicly. Well I doubt any of my old friends ever read here anyway. But having worn my heart on my sleeve for most of my life, I find it almost too painful to trust people again with inner and fragile me. For now, I'm keeping everything under Friends Only.
Maybe one day.... writing publicly won't bring me so much pain again....
When that day comes, I'll write.