What Ifs
I don't normally spend any time thinking about what ifs...I made decisions, either good or bad and what came from them, how I got to them, and what I decided was important to me is what has shaped me and made me me. In fact, I'm not sure I've ever really pondered, I mean seriously pondered, what would have happened in certain circumstances if I had made the other choice. There are very, very few things that I regret.
But, had Carrie been a little bit more mature eight years ago, I could be the one close to being engaged to Nick Hecker.
Had I been a little less stubborn and actually listened to my mother (psh) and gotten medication for this anxiety two years ago when my doctor diagnosed it, I would be a completely different person and maybe actually have Nathaniel in my life still.
Had I been a little less insecure, a little more trusting, had I not been so inclined to fall off the bloody handle, maybe our relationship wouldn't have degraded so much while I was in Greece.
Had I been able to compartmentalize my life better I would be getting better grades right now. But doing that would have meant prioritizing my life in such a way that my family and my friends would come second to schoolwork and knowledge. I would have had to come second too.
Had I ignored Nathaniel at the Snow Ball our freshman year, had I not put on makeup for the Thanksgiving feast, I may have been with Jensen instead of him.
Had I been a little less obtuse, I may have realized that Jeff isn't Nathaniel and that I don't automatically have to act like I did around Nathaniel around him.
Had I learned to swallow my pride and rein in my stubbornness I would have had a better relationship with my family over the years.
And had I learned to appreciate my friends earlier, I would have realized how blessed I am.
I didn't do these things, the pride and the stubbornness and the determination and the hot-headedness and the belief that I can take care of people and the loyalty are just a part of who I am. I am up front and sassy and often stupid, but I do it because I love my people and I want the best for them. I need to learn that I don't always know what's best.
But I don't regret any of these things because they made me who I am today. And I like who I am.
But, had Carrie been a little bit more mature eight years ago, I could be the one close to being engaged to Nick Hecker.
Had I been a little less stubborn and actually listened to my mother (psh) and gotten medication for this anxiety two years ago when my doctor diagnosed it, I would be a completely different person and maybe actually have Nathaniel in my life still.
Had I been a little less insecure, a little more trusting, had I not been so inclined to fall off the bloody handle, maybe our relationship wouldn't have degraded so much while I was in Greece.
Had I been able to compartmentalize my life better I would be getting better grades right now. But doing that would have meant prioritizing my life in such a way that my family and my friends would come second to schoolwork and knowledge. I would have had to come second too.
Had I ignored Nathaniel at the Snow Ball our freshman year, had I not put on makeup for the Thanksgiving feast, I may have been with Jensen instead of him.
Had I been a little less obtuse, I may have realized that Jeff isn't Nathaniel and that I don't automatically have to act like I did around Nathaniel around him.
Had I learned to swallow my pride and rein in my stubbornness I would have had a better relationship with my family over the years.
And had I learned to appreciate my friends earlier, I would have realized how blessed I am.
I didn't do these things, the pride and the stubbornness and the determination and the hot-headedness and the belief that I can take care of people and the loyalty are just a part of who I am. I am up front and sassy and often stupid, but I do it because I love my people and I want the best for them. I need to learn that I don't always know what's best.
But I don't regret any of these things because they made me who I am today. And I like who I am.