(no subject)
So. Mikey asked me this afternoon what I did yesterday.
I could have told her any number of things. Like, how even though I had hurt my ankle on Wednesday, I still decided to go dig at Swan Cove. How that ended up actually being a good decision because it didn't hurt at all when I was there. I was very happy I went. I learned a lot, and spent my entire time working on a feature. Jane pretty much put me in charge of it, which was seriously cool. I doubled checked everything with her, of course. It's her feature and I didn't want to do anything wrong. But anything I suggested was good by her. We didn't get too much done, but I did find this awesome metal thing. I want to say it's a box, everyone else seems to think it's a collander. Frankly I don't think that it had enough holes to be one. Either way, the debate is rather moot since the thing utterly disintigrated while we were pulling it out of the ground. I also found a really sweet giant staple (I kid you not, it was used for holding wood together), a teeny bronze pin, and a mortar. The mortar doesn't doesn't sound all that interesting, but it was the first stone one that I've ever seen that wasn't in a museum somewhere. So really, love to the mortar.
I could have told her that Erin paid me a huge compliment that day as well. Erin's one of the people who works at Lost Towns and is kinda an informal Assistant Dig Director. She's the coolest person I know, but I don't think that she liked me very much in the beginning. But she's warmed up and really likes me now. She came over at one point in the morning while I was by myself drawing an outline of the pit. She told me straight out that everyone had been talking about me the other day and said I was the best intern that they had this summer and was the one who had progressed the most. She went on to say that if I ended up deciding to be an archaeologist that I was going to be an extremely good one, and to keep an eye out at Lost Towns after I graduated because there would almost certainly be a job for me. I really didn't know how to respond to all of that, because Erin rarely ever compliments anyone to their face. And it's been a while since I've gotten an ego boost like that. I just told her thank you.
But I didn't tell Mikey any of these things. I told her that when I got back from work, Mom made a really nice dinner, she and Dad were making a special effort for everything to go smoothly, and then she told us that Dad is moving out tomorrow.
I was met by absolute silence.
You know, I keep saying that I feel fine about all this. That it's perfectly alright. I think that's a lie. It probably will be perfectly alright, and most likely all I'm reacting to is the change and the fear of the unknown. My parents aren't arguing, Mom's actually even staying off my back, Dad's being really nice...it's like everything is perfectly fine. I know they're putting on an act, and it's weird. It's too easy. I don't know how to explain it, since I've been saying all along that I just want things to be friendly. That divorce is alright as long as it's not bitter. But it's still weird.
Perhaps it's the fact that now I have to face the fact that my life was a sham up until this point. That my parents really weren't the perfect couple they played at dinner parties and that they weren't in love. If they weren't in love, where does that leave me? I've gotten extremely good at predicting and adapting to all of the tensions in the old life. What about this new one? I won't be around much, it probably won't affect me as much as it will Becky. But what about when I'm at home on breaks? Which house do I go to? My house won't be my home any more, and I don't even know if my room will be my room. Mom wants to give it to Becky. I'm prolly going to sell off my model horses to help pay for Greece. It won't be my room any more. I know that there's no stability here. I know that I'm growing up and that I'm going to make my own life very soon. But I won't be able to do that until I leave for Greece. For now, I'm going to be stuck in a limbo and forced to confront my fear of the unknown.
And I hate not knowing. Everyone knows that I'm an impatient person. I like to know things. I like to be the one with the answers, I like to be the leader. I don't like being in the dark. But that's what I'm going to have to cope with. And I seriously hate it.
So, that's why I'm not okay with it. I'm also not okay with the fact that I'm actually thinking about and making plans to sell Max next summer. But thinking about that right now is like doing surgery without aenesthesia, so I'm really not going to try to think about it. I really don't know what's going to happen with that either. I don't want to think about it.
On the upside, I'm driving up to Bucknell tomorrow and staying for the week. There's a solar scholars workshop there and Dickinson's sending me to represent them. I know zilch about solar panels. However, my name is on the grant and that's that. I had nothing to do with the grant, but eh. Now I'm going to go learn about and be certified in installing solar panels. Yay sustainability. But, as always, my cell phone is with me, so feel free to call.
Actually, I don't know if Bucknell is an upside or a downside. On the one hand, I miss all of the moving and hauling and setting up. On the other, it feels as if my father planned it this way to keep me out of the way. I'm not sure which idea I like more.
Time to pack.
I could have told her any number of things. Like, how even though I had hurt my ankle on Wednesday, I still decided to go dig at Swan Cove. How that ended up actually being a good decision because it didn't hurt at all when I was there. I was very happy I went. I learned a lot, and spent my entire time working on a feature. Jane pretty much put me in charge of it, which was seriously cool. I doubled checked everything with her, of course. It's her feature and I didn't want to do anything wrong. But anything I suggested was good by her. We didn't get too much done, but I did find this awesome metal thing. I want to say it's a box, everyone else seems to think it's a collander. Frankly I don't think that it had enough holes to be one. Either way, the debate is rather moot since the thing utterly disintigrated while we were pulling it out of the ground. I also found a really sweet giant staple (I kid you not, it was used for holding wood together), a teeny bronze pin, and a mortar. The mortar doesn't doesn't sound all that interesting, but it was the first stone one that I've ever seen that wasn't in a museum somewhere. So really, love to the mortar.
I could have told her that Erin paid me a huge compliment that day as well. Erin's one of the people who works at Lost Towns and is kinda an informal Assistant Dig Director. She's the coolest person I know, but I don't think that she liked me very much in the beginning. But she's warmed up and really likes me now. She came over at one point in the morning while I was by myself drawing an outline of the pit. She told me straight out that everyone had been talking about me the other day and said I was the best intern that they had this summer and was the one who had progressed the most. She went on to say that if I ended up deciding to be an archaeologist that I was going to be an extremely good one, and to keep an eye out at Lost Towns after I graduated because there would almost certainly be a job for me. I really didn't know how to respond to all of that, because Erin rarely ever compliments anyone to their face. And it's been a while since I've gotten an ego boost like that. I just told her thank you.
But I didn't tell Mikey any of these things. I told her that when I got back from work, Mom made a really nice dinner, she and Dad were making a special effort for everything to go smoothly, and then she told us that Dad is moving out tomorrow.
I was met by absolute silence.
You know, I keep saying that I feel fine about all this. That it's perfectly alright. I think that's a lie. It probably will be perfectly alright, and most likely all I'm reacting to is the change and the fear of the unknown. My parents aren't arguing, Mom's actually even staying off my back, Dad's being really nice...it's like everything is perfectly fine. I know they're putting on an act, and it's weird. It's too easy. I don't know how to explain it, since I've been saying all along that I just want things to be friendly. That divorce is alright as long as it's not bitter. But it's still weird.
Perhaps it's the fact that now I have to face the fact that my life was a sham up until this point. That my parents really weren't the perfect couple they played at dinner parties and that they weren't in love. If they weren't in love, where does that leave me? I've gotten extremely good at predicting and adapting to all of the tensions in the old life. What about this new one? I won't be around much, it probably won't affect me as much as it will Becky. But what about when I'm at home on breaks? Which house do I go to? My house won't be my home any more, and I don't even know if my room will be my room. Mom wants to give it to Becky. I'm prolly going to sell off my model horses to help pay for Greece. It won't be my room any more. I know that there's no stability here. I know that I'm growing up and that I'm going to make my own life very soon. But I won't be able to do that until I leave for Greece. For now, I'm going to be stuck in a limbo and forced to confront my fear of the unknown.
And I hate not knowing. Everyone knows that I'm an impatient person. I like to know things. I like to be the one with the answers, I like to be the leader. I don't like being in the dark. But that's what I'm going to have to cope with. And I seriously hate it.
So, that's why I'm not okay with it. I'm also not okay with the fact that I'm actually thinking about and making plans to sell Max next summer. But thinking about that right now is like doing surgery without aenesthesia, so I'm really not going to try to think about it. I really don't know what's going to happen with that either. I don't want to think about it.
On the upside, I'm driving up to Bucknell tomorrow and staying for the week. There's a solar scholars workshop there and Dickinson's sending me to represent them. I know zilch about solar panels. However, my name is on the grant and that's that. I had nothing to do with the grant, but eh. Now I'm going to go learn about and be certified in installing solar panels. Yay sustainability. But, as always, my cell phone is with me, so feel free to call.
Actually, I don't know if Bucknell is an upside or a downside. On the one hand, I miss all of the moving and hauling and setting up. On the other, it feels as if my father planned it this way to keep me out of the way. I'm not sure which idea I like more.
Time to pack.