Att: original creative writing piece in need of critique plz and tky
This is kind of due tomorrow so any comments would be much appreciated. I'm relatively happy with it thus far but I'd love to hear what you guys have to say, especially about the ending.
“Doesn’t she think it’s weird?”
Rae looks over at me, frowning. “What, Karen? She’s used to me bringing home weird people.”
I feign hurt. “Weird?”
She laughs and then shuffles down into the hammock so she can rest her head on my chest. “Sorry,” she says. “You’re not really...weird per se. Karen’s just been hanging around me for too long to be surprised if I bring home one of my teachers. Not that I’ve ever done it before but..”
“Yeah I get you.”
We’re so close to the window I can see our reflections in it when I turn my head. There shine our pale faces, glowing dim through the murk. We look like a couple of coconuts, stacked up on display. Rae is leaning back against me properly now and I pull my arms around her as we sway. It’s nice to get away, to be able to hold her like this without worrying about being seen and judged. Just the two of us, all curled up and...
“Hey...”
“Yeah?”
“Can I ask a question?” she plays with my hands idly as she speaks, tapping out a rhythm that sounds suspiciously like ‘Love Shack’. Not surprising really. Her housemate, Karen is blasting music from her room and even from here I can make out the familiar bass line. I take hold of Rae’s hands and still them.
“Depends on what it is.”
She grins, chuckling.
“Don’t stress yourself. It’s nothing really - I just wanted to ask why you decided to be a teacher.”
“Oh.” I was kind of expecting something deep and meaningful so of course now that it’s something simple my brain has shut down. “Um, I guess because of my brother. I definitely wouldn’t’ve otherwise.” I lean down to nuzzle her ear, grinning. “And then I never would’ve met you!”
She chuckles before twisting to meet my gaze. She sobers and becomes thoughtful. “I didn’t know you had a brother.”
“Yeah. Well.” I lean back, taking her with me. I don’t really talk about him much, least of all to my students. Not that Rae’s just a student but still. Inside, Karen’s iPod has magically shuffled to a ballad of some kind. It’s like being in our own movie, with Karen unwittingly providing the soundtrack. “He died.” I blurt and Rae stiffens against me.
“Oh.” she says in a small voice. “S-sorry.”
“It’s okay.” I tell her, and then comes the old standby, “You didn’t know.”
She says nothing for a moment but then she reaches back and her fingers bump against my cheek with tender awkwardness. I’m touched by the gesture and duck my head to press a kiss to her palm in return. Her fingertips are implausibly soft against my stubble for a moment longer and then she rolls, nearly upending us both out of the hammock before she gets herself sorted.
She ends up straddling me, a knee on either side of my hips and both hands splayed on my chest. Her face is very close. I can see the outline of freckles beneath her makeup.
“Was-I mean, was he...?”
It’s kind of hard for me to think about Joey with Rae on top of me like this but I give it my best shot.
“He wasn’t sick or disabled or anything.” I explain, a little hastily. “He had ADD - outward processing was a mess. He couldn’t get anything out without thinking about it for ten minutes first. And when he did he usually stuttered more than he spoke.”
Rae makes sympathetic noises. She’s worked with those kinds of kids herself, on prac. “Did he have troubles with sequencing too?”
“Loads yeah. Like Mum’d ask him to do pick up his toys and he’d get to his room and forget that he was meant to be cleaning up and just start playing again. It drove her spare. The doctor wanted to put him on meds for it but we couldn’t really afford to so...”
“You tried to help him?”
I smile a little. Rae’s always had this remarkable ability to finish my sentences perfectly. “Yeah. He was just starting to come good when it happened.”
“Murphy’s Law.” She gives me an ironic smile even as she stretches out like a cat. She is half beside me, half on top. “How did he...?” she mumbles against my shoulder. “I mean, if you don’t mind...”
I shake my head and nearly poke her eye out with my chin. “Car. He was on the way home from school and dropped his basketball, chased out onto the road to get it. He wasn’t too badly busted up but by the time they figured out he was bleeding from the inside...he haemorrhaged before they could stop it.”
She inhales sharply and then breathes out a whispered “Fuck.”
“Yeah.” Even now I can’t help but get angry. “It was stupid. A stupid waste.”
“You loved him.”
It’s kind of a stupid thing to say (of course I loved him) but she isn’t wrong and I don’t want to snap at her when she’s obviously trying to make me feel better.
So I say, “Yeah.” And she presses her lips to my shoulder in sympathy before snuggling back down.
At first I think this might be the end of it all but then she whispers, “I bet you miss him.” And it’s such a simple thing, such a little thing, but next thing I’m completely losing it. I turn my face away from her as I sob but Rae scooches into my side and curls a thin arm around me awkwardly. Squeezes tight.
I can see the two of us reflected in the window again. Me, pale faced and hollow eyed, she a tangle of curls huddled protectively against my chest. I look ridiculously old.
Once I’ve got myself under control again she kisses me, snot and tears and all. It’s only when she pulls back that I see the look on her face and I feel a twinge of regret.
“Sorry.” I tell her, reach up and end up tangling my fingers through her hair. “It’s okay. I’m okay.”
She doesn’t look convinced. In fact she looks like she’s going to cry in a minute. I pull her down to me and kiss her again, an apology. She places a palm carefully against my cheek and Karen’s iPod switches to something loud and poppy. We ignore it and in the ensuing chaos we nearly fall out of the hammock five times.
I tally each one with a knowing smile.
“Doesn’t she think it’s weird?”
Rae looks over at me, frowning. “What, Karen? She’s used to me bringing home weird people.”
I feign hurt. “Weird?”
She laughs and then shuffles down into the hammock so she can rest her head on my chest. “Sorry,” she says. “You’re not really...weird per se. Karen’s just been hanging around me for too long to be surprised if I bring home one of my teachers. Not that I’ve ever done it before but..”
“Yeah I get you.”
We’re so close to the window I can see our reflections in it when I turn my head. There shine our pale faces, glowing dim through the murk. We look like a couple of coconuts, stacked up on display. Rae is leaning back against me properly now and I pull my arms around her as we sway. It’s nice to get away, to be able to hold her like this without worrying about being seen and judged. Just the two of us, all curled up and...
“Hey...”
“Yeah?”
“Can I ask a question?” she plays with my hands idly as she speaks, tapping out a rhythm that sounds suspiciously like ‘Love Shack’. Not surprising really. Her housemate, Karen is blasting music from her room and even from here I can make out the familiar bass line. I take hold of Rae’s hands and still them.
“Depends on what it is.”
She grins, chuckling.
“Don’t stress yourself. It’s nothing really - I just wanted to ask why you decided to be a teacher.”
“Oh.” I was kind of expecting something deep and meaningful so of course now that it’s something simple my brain has shut down. “Um, I guess because of my brother. I definitely wouldn’t’ve otherwise.” I lean down to nuzzle her ear, grinning. “And then I never would’ve met you!”
She chuckles before twisting to meet my gaze. She sobers and becomes thoughtful. “I didn’t know you had a brother.”
“Yeah. Well.” I lean back, taking her with me. I don’t really talk about him much, least of all to my students. Not that Rae’s just a student but still. Inside, Karen’s iPod has magically shuffled to a ballad of some kind. It’s like being in our own movie, with Karen unwittingly providing the soundtrack. “He died.” I blurt and Rae stiffens against me.
“Oh.” she says in a small voice. “S-sorry.”
“It’s okay.” I tell her, and then comes the old standby, “You didn’t know.”
She says nothing for a moment but then she reaches back and her fingers bump against my cheek with tender awkwardness. I’m touched by the gesture and duck my head to press a kiss to her palm in return. Her fingertips are implausibly soft against my stubble for a moment longer and then she rolls, nearly upending us both out of the hammock before she gets herself sorted.
She ends up straddling me, a knee on either side of my hips and both hands splayed on my chest. Her face is very close. I can see the outline of freckles beneath her makeup.
“Was-I mean, was he...?”
It’s kind of hard for me to think about Joey with Rae on top of me like this but I give it my best shot.
“He wasn’t sick or disabled or anything.” I explain, a little hastily. “He had ADD - outward processing was a mess. He couldn’t get anything out without thinking about it for ten minutes first. And when he did he usually stuttered more than he spoke.”
Rae makes sympathetic noises. She’s worked with those kinds of kids herself, on prac. “Did he have troubles with sequencing too?”
“Loads yeah. Like Mum’d ask him to do pick up his toys and he’d get to his room and forget that he was meant to be cleaning up and just start playing again. It drove her spare. The doctor wanted to put him on meds for it but we couldn’t really afford to so...”
“You tried to help him?”
I smile a little. Rae’s always had this remarkable ability to finish my sentences perfectly. “Yeah. He was just starting to come good when it happened.”
“Murphy’s Law.” She gives me an ironic smile even as she stretches out like a cat. She is half beside me, half on top. “How did he...?” she mumbles against my shoulder. “I mean, if you don’t mind...”
I shake my head and nearly poke her eye out with my chin. “Car. He was on the way home from school and dropped his basketball, chased out onto the road to get it. He wasn’t too badly busted up but by the time they figured out he was bleeding from the inside...he haemorrhaged before they could stop it.”
She inhales sharply and then breathes out a whispered “Fuck.”
“Yeah.” Even now I can’t help but get angry. “It was stupid. A stupid waste.”
“You loved him.”
It’s kind of a stupid thing to say (of course I loved him) but she isn’t wrong and I don’t want to snap at her when she’s obviously trying to make me feel better.
So I say, “Yeah.” And she presses her lips to my shoulder in sympathy before snuggling back down.
At first I think this might be the end of it all but then she whispers, “I bet you miss him.” And it’s such a simple thing, such a little thing, but next thing I’m completely losing it. I turn my face away from her as I sob but Rae scooches into my side and curls a thin arm around me awkwardly. Squeezes tight.
I can see the two of us reflected in the window again. Me, pale faced and hollow eyed, she a tangle of curls huddled protectively against my chest. I look ridiculously old.
Once I’ve got myself under control again she kisses me, snot and tears and all. It’s only when she pulls back that I see the look on her face and I feel a twinge of regret.
“Sorry.” I tell her, reach up and end up tangling my fingers through her hair. “It’s okay. I’m okay.”
She doesn’t look convinced. In fact she looks like she’s going to cry in a minute. I pull her down to me and kiss her again, an apology. She places a palm carefully against my cheek and Karen’s iPod switches to something loud and poppy. We ignore it and in the ensuing chaos we nearly fall out of the hammock five times.
I tally each one with a knowing smile.