You Killed It With "I Love You"
Title: You Killed It With “I Love You”
Genre: angst, romance
Spoilers: One Of Us through to Through The Looking Glass
Summary: After a surprise admission, Charlie and Claire find themselves even more unsure about where they stand - but little do they know just how fast their time is running out. As actions become less important than the words they accompany, will they be able to reconcile before Desmond’s final prophecy claims Charlie’s life?
Disclaimer: Lost, Charlie/Claire etc. do not belong to me and neither does “Sunday Morning” by Lilly Allen which inspired this fic.
Author’s Note: written for lostfichallenge #64: inspired by…
~*~
And you killed it, you killed it
You killed it with I love you
And you killed it, you killed it
You killed it with I love you
And you killed with I love you
What am I supposed to say back to you?
You killed it with I love you...
Lilly Allen - Sunday Morning
~*~
They had been sharing a bed now for several weeks - which isn’t nearly as romantic in reality as it sounds in theory. Charlie had a tendency to kick in his sleep and Claire had once talked non stop all night, muttering nonsense under her breath. Add into this mixture a baby who woke them both up every three hours or so wailing to be fed and altogether it wasn’t exactly an idealistic arrangement.
But despite it all, they still did it, and they tried their hardest not to complain about the situation.
The tent was too open for any inappropriate behaviour either. Not that they were really at that point yet anyway but still. Claire had even admitted once to Charlie that she was actually glad that the tent was so open. He wasn’t entirely sure that she trusted him not to keep his hands off her - which he had rather taken offense at. He had never expressed anything but honourable intentions with her, and in any case, it had only been two months since she’d given birth and she still hadn’t recovered fully - what kind of git did she take him for?
Which is why when he slipped his arm around her waist and pulled her close to him the night after she got sick, they were both surprised at how comfortable it felt.
“I haven’t been spooned in just about forever,” Claire whispered, delighted as she let Charlie’s body form a warm cocoon around her own. “Mmmn…”
“I can’t even remember the last time I spooned someone,” Charlie murmured in return, his voice ghosting over the shell of her ear so quietly that she could barely hear him at all. “The last time I actually remember doing this with somebody I must’ve been…nineteen?”
“Wow. That’s pretty bad.”
“Tell me about it. Actually…no, don’t tell me about it.”
Claire chuckled sleepily and patted his hand where it rested on her waist.
“Good night Charlie.”
“Night Claire,”
Claire lay there, warm and alive in his arms, stroking the back of his hand idly. Charlie sighed intermittently, soft and breathy against her neck, half asleep and half awake the same as her.
And then, without any prior warning whatsoever, there was a low, sleepy rumble from his throat and his arm tightened around her. And somewhere within the sound that escaped Charlie’s throat which then moved to caress the soft skin on the back of her neck, Claire managed to discern the very three words that since Thomas left her she had been utterly terrified of.
She froze.
Charlie froze too, his fear manifesting in the stiffness of his body.
“…Claire?” he said uncertainly.
“What did you just say?” she hissed, feeling as though she were about to start hyperventilating at any moment.
Charlie was completely still behind her, the gears and wheels turning in his brain. And then he tensed up even more (if that was possible) and then uttered a very small, “Oh.”
“Oh?” Claire whispered, somewhat hysterically. “Is that all you can say? Oh?”
“I uh…I didn’t meant to say it out loud,” Charlie admitted guiltily. “I was thinking it. I guess it just…slipped out.”
“You said I love you!” Claire said accusingly. “And you didn’t mean to say it out loud?”
“Well if this is how you’re going to react about it then maybe we should just pretend that I never said it at all!” Charlie’s voice quivered with a barely suppressed anger and Claire lay there, her stomach twisting in knots, not saying anything, uncertain of what she could say.
“Bollocks to this,” Charlie sat up.
“Charlie?”
“I’m going for a walk,” he said abruptly, climbing out of bed and shrugging his hoodie on.
“Charlie,” she said reprovingly. “It’s the middle of the night…”
“I need some air,” he said coolly. “If I’m not back by morning then send out a search party.”
“Charlie!” she called out but he’d already stalked off down the beach faster than she could ever keep up.
Fuming, Claire considered going after him but then she glanced down at Aaron, sleeping soundly in his cradle. She didn’t have the time or the stamina to deal with emotional outbursts right now. She still didn’t feel well after being so sick for the past two days - and Aaron needed her to take care of him.
Charlie had said he would come back. She would just have to wait until he’d cooled down and then talk to him in the morning. What was the big deal anyway? There was no need to get angry at her - she hadn’t been the one to say it!
Rolling over huffily, Claire settled herself down once again for sleep but without Charlie there warming her, the night wind felt icy against her skin and she shivered unhappily and suppressed a sob.
Why was it that every time they seemed to be moving forwards there was always something waiting to knock them back again?
~*~
Charlie didn’t come back for hours and even when he did, they slept with their backs to each other in a huffy, irritable sort of way. In the morning, Claire woke to Aaron’s early morning squalls and an empty bed.
After she’d nursed her son she headed for the kitchen, hoping that Charlie might be there but he was nowhere to be seen. Starting to feel a little irritated now, Claire had a quick breakfast and then went to find him.
It wasn’t hard - he was further down the beach under a tree with his guitar and a notebook, scribbling down song lyrics. Claire tromped up to him through the sand, Aaron weighing heavily in her arms.
“Hey,” she said with as much bravado as she could muster.
“Hello,” Charlie barely even looked up from his notebook. “What’s up?”
“Can we talk?” Claire asked flatly and Charlie sighed irritably and looked up at her.
“Talk about what Claire?” he snapped and she flinched at his tone. “Why I said that I loved you? Or maybe you wanted to tell me why you freaked out on me and didn’t say it back? Or how about why you didn’t come after me and try to talk last night?”
“I had to stay with Aaron,” Claire said sulkily and Charlie scoffed. “As for why I didn’t say it back…”
“You’re not in love with me?” Charlie said acidly.
“Don’t put words into my mouth!” Claire said hotly. “I never said that!”
“You never said that you did love me either,” Charlie said, examining his guitar intently. “Which is fair enough I guess. I know you’ve got trust issues after your wanker ex walked out on you…” Claire bristled as Charlie continued. “But it’s still not much fun for me to know that I care more about you than you do for me.”
“I do care you idiot,” Claire insisted, dropping to her knees in front of him. Charlie studiously avoided her gaze and Claire sighed. “Charlie, please look at me.”
He met her gaze tentatively and sighed heavily. “I’m sorry I got so angry,” he apologised. “I understand where you’re coming from but it’s just…frustrating sometimes.”
“I know,” she said guiltily. “And I’m sorry. I know what it’s like to love somebody and not have them love you back the same way.”
Charlie smiled ruefully. “But it still doesn’t change anything does it?”
Claire choked back a sudden sob.
“I am trying Charlie - really I am,” she said earnestly. “I want to be there for you - I really meant it when I said that we’d get through this flashes stuff together.”
“I know,” Charlie said lightly. “But you also have other responsibilities. And I would never want you to put your own needs - or Aaron’s for that matter - ahead of mine. Ever.”
Claire was silent for a moment and then she extricated a hand from its hold on Aaron so she could touch the back of Charlie’s hand as it rested on the frets of his guitar. She squeezed it gently.
“What did I ever do to deserve you?” she murmured, unable to meet his eyes.
“It’s nothing that you did particularly,” Charlie admitted. “But you must be worth the trouble or I’d’ve had the common sense to give up a long time ago.”
Claire’s mouth twitched with the want to smile. “Well they do say that true love is blind.”
“It’s also pretty deaf as well in my experience,” Charlie said, smiling properly now. “And almost always completely and irrationally stupid as well. But if that’s not enough to stop it from happening then who are we mortals to argue?”
Claire smiled tremulously, her eyes still on their hands. Charlie tilted her chin up gently and touched the tip of her nose with his thumb. A nervous giggle escaped Claire and Charlie smiled at her, looking almost happy again.
“I’m going to hang out here for a while and write some more. But I’ll be back later and if you need to talk some more about it then we can do that. Okay?”
“Okay,” Claire leant forward and pressed a soft kiss to his lips. “Thanks Charlie.”
“Sure,” he shrugged glibly. “It’s not like this has to be a big deal.”
“Of course not,” Claire rose to her feet awkwardly. “I’ll be doing my washing. Feel free to come and help me.”
“I’ll do my best,” Charlie smiled at her as he picked up his pen again. “Have fun without me.”
“As if I ever could,” Claire scoffed and then picked up one of Aaron’s chubby arms and waved it at him. “Say bye Aaron.”
Aaron gurgled up at her and both adults laughed before Claire began to head back home in earnest.
~*~
After their chat, Claire was feeling a little better about the whole situation but she still felt bad for Charlie -she couldn’t exactly make herself fall in love with him but she hated hurting people and she knew that she’d offended him more than once by not accepting his advances. The fact that he seemed content to wait for her indefinitely was astounding to her. She’d never really had somebody chasing after her before - usually she had done all the chasing and then ended up disappointed when the boys she chose turned out to be worthless scum bags.
It figured that now she’d become exactly what she’d spent years chasing - a heartbreaker. An accidental heartbreaker of course - but still.
Which is why she was so aghast when Charlie returned to their shelter with his guitar only to begin packing up his backpack.
“Are you…going somewhere?” she asked.
“Yeah,” Charlie flicked his fringe out of his eyes as he shoved clothes into his bag. “Desmond and Hurley and Jin and I are going camping.”
“Camping?” Claire echoed, incredulous. “How long for?”
“Dunno,” Charlie hefted his guitar up over his shoulder. “Maybe a day or two?”
“Why would Desmond want to go camping?” Claire asked. “It seems a bit stupid when we’re all living in tents anyway.”
“Well,” Charlie paused to consider. “It’s sort of…a male bonding thing. You wouldn’t understand.”
“Well…” Claire grasped at straws. “Can’t you all bond here? Build a campfire and do your thing?”
“Yeah,” Charlie sniggered suddenly. “With you and Sun around? That wouldn’t constitute as male bonding. Sorry luv.”
Claire set her jaw feeling mildly offended. “Well excuse me for wanting to spend time with my boyfriend!”
Charlie’s smile faded. “Look, Claire, if you don’t want me to go…”
“Of course you should go,” Claire said, making shooing gestures with her hands. “Go do something for you for once. You spend too much time looking after me as it is. You could do with some time to recuperate.”
Charlie frowned. “Are you taking the Mickey out of me or are you being serious?”
“I’m being serious,” Claire said in a world weary sort of way. “Jeez Charlie you don’t have to analyse every little thing that I say.”
“If you don’t want me to go…”
“I want you to go,” Claire said firmly then added jokingly. “I might miss you.”
Charlie didn’t look amused and Claire faltered slightly as he picked up his bag.
“Charlie…”
“I’ll be back,” he said, leaning down to kiss her brusquely on the cheek. “Don’t wait up for me.”
“I didn’t mean…Charlie!”
But he was walking away again and Claire cursed under her breath as Aaron began to cry.
“When are you gonna learn to take your foot out of your bloody mouth Claire?” she muttered angrily to herself as she picked her son up and began to rock him automatically. “When are you gonna bloody well learn?”
~*~
“You know I missed you when you were away?”
“Really?”
“Yeah, really.”
“That’s…sweet of you.”
“You don’t sound like it is.”
“Claire…”
“What?”
“Please just…” Charlie sighs and rubs a hand over his eyes but Claire doesn’t feel bad for pushing this. He’s been distant since he got back from his camping trek and she’s becoming more determined than ever to show him that she cares but he just keeps on pushing her away. “I’m tired okay? I don’t want to do this right now.”
“Fine.”
~*~
“How come you didn’t tell me about this parachutist woman?” she demands. “Didn’t you trust me?”
Charlie sighs. “I couldn’t tell anybody until we’d figured out what to do about it. Desmond would’ve eaten me for breakfast. Or at least let me get skewered by another arrow.”
“I don’t like being lied to Charlie.”
“I know,” and there is true remorse in his eyes. “I’m sorry I couldn’t tell you.”
“Just promise me that you won’t do it again,” she pleads as he folds her into his arms. “How am I meant to be here for you if you won’t let me be?”
“I guess. I never really thought about it like that.”
“I told you I was trying.”
“I guess I didn’t really believe I was that lucky.”
“You make your own luck.”
Charlie laughed and Claire looked up at him, surprised. “What?”
“Oh nothing,” he said. “It’s just a good quote. I like it.”
~*~
“I think he’ll grow out of it.”
“You don’t think it’s too big?”
“Nah.”
“Good.”
There is a long silence and she watches him with her son fondly. They haven’t spoken since he got back about the argument they had before he went but things are simmering back down. They’re even spooning again, tentatively, at night to keep warm.
“You know things feel better between us.”
“Yeah well I’m not good at being angry - especially not with you.”
“Yeah. Me either.”
A tentative smile returned by a similarly hesitant smile.
“So we’re okay then?”
“Yeah. We’re okay now.”
~*~
“While I’m gone…don’t worry about me.”
How could I not worry about you?
“’Kay.”
“See you soon.”
I think I’m finally starting to fall in love with you...
“Be careful Charlie. Okay?”
“Yeah.”
God…I really don’t want you to go…
~*~
“He really loved you Claire - you’ve got to know that.”
“I do.”
“He told you?”
“Yeah.”
“Was it…was it when he said goodbye?”
“Oh no, he told me well before that. I didn’t…really react all that well. For the last week or so things were actually a bit strained between us. I couldn’t bring myself to say it back you see - even after everything and…”
“I’m sure he knew that you loved him.”
“I don’t know if I did love him Desmond. I think I was just starting to when…well, when all of this crap bloody well happened!”
“I’m sorry. It’s not fair that you two never got to...”
“No it’s not fair. It was never fair, even from the beginning. I don’t think I ever could have compared my feelings for him to the ones he had for me. It was unhealthy - him investing so much of himself in me and me not being able to…”
“Are you okay?”
“No. I bloody well miss him.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Stop saying that. I already heard you say it a thousand times and even if you said it another thousand times it wouldn’t change anything. He’s still gone and I’m not getting him back.”
“I’m still sorry.”
“Sorry doesn’t change anything. It can’t make you fall in love with someone and it can’t bring them back once they’re gone either.” Claire sighed raggedly through her teeth. “That last week could’ve been so different if he hadn’t told me that he loved me. We would have continued on like we always had and it would’ve been so much easier now…”
“Would you rather he not have said it at all?”
Blue meets brown and both are overbright, the latter is shocked, the former - bitter.
“I’d rather be feeling anything but what I’m feeling right now.”
“And what’s that?”
There is another ragged hiss-sigh through the teeth and a tear that hangs by a thread and threatens to fall, betraying all emotion.
“Guilty.”