thoughts on true love
Last time this country was hit with an economic downturn (when the tech bubble burst), most of the people I knew in long-term relationships broke up. I'm not sure whether the two things were correlated or just coincidental, but ever since this new financial crisis has manifested, I've been seeing stirrings of relationship angst here and there. I'm also seeing people asking questions about true love: what is it, really? does it exist? how do you know when you've found it?
At the same time, my own relationship has been in a remarkably beautiful place, and full of extraordinary passion, despite the other struggles we're both going through. I want others to be able to have this as well, and so I keep finding myself typing up responses to people (here and elsewhere), trying to offer positive encouragement, but I never seem to actually finish or submit them. Well, last night I accidentally hit the Post button while I was still typing one of these up, so I was forced to finish it. Reading it again today, I decided that I'd like to share it with a more general audience. Since the original post was friends-locked, I've made several changes to my reply, particularly in the second paragraph, to anonymize it.
Few things are as terrifying as building a long-term relationship. Taking the step of committing to another person requires an enormous leap of faith, and it leaves you in a uniquely vulnerable position. You have agreed to reject all other possible mates (and other possible futures) in favor of one person (choosing to trust that your union will provide each of you with what you most need and want in a relationship), knowing that there is no absolute guarantee that it will work out that way. The problem, of course, is that most people who have newly committed to one another have no idea what it actually feels like to be in a healthy, lasting relationship. Those first several years are filled with insecurities and confusion, and when things get rough, the lovers become scared. Things aren't the way they thought they'd turn out, and they're fighting all the time. Does this mean that the relationship is doomed?
What I'm seeing in your story is not necessarily a doomed relationship. Rather, I see two people who love each other fiercely, but are terrified. You are terrified of discovering that your positive qualities and love for your partner aren't enough to make them love you in a way that gives you the things you want and need in a relationship; they are terrified that they are in some way inadequate in your eyes, and that their positive qualities and love for you aren't enough to entice you to stay.
In my experience, this is a normal stage in a long-term relationship. In fact, there is usually a point where the parties switch: the one who was afraid of not having their needs met (person A) finally decides to trust the other person (person B), then person B no longer feels inadequate, so it's time for them to question whether they can get *their* needs met, which then makes person A feel inadequate. Eventually, person B decides to trust person A, and an entirely new phase of the relationship begins.
Many people never make it through these phases, obviously. And I can't help but wonder if people who have divorced once end up more likely to divorce later because when they reach this point in the relationship, they assume it's a death knell, rather than recognizing it as a normal struggle on the path to true love.
I think the struggle is worth it. What's on the other side is nothing like you expect it to be. It's immeasurably better. It's absolute certainty that you are loved, respected, understood, and accepted exactly as you are by someone whom you love, respect, understand, and accept exactly as they are. It's the knowledge that you chose one another over and over again, even through times that were so difficult that most people would have given up and sought greener pastures, so that now there is no question of whether you would choose one another, because the answer to that question is an eternal YES. You maintain your independent identities, yet you have become extensions of one another, so that together, you are more than the sum of your individual personalities.
True love is the opposite of fear. It's a place of absolute safety where you can rest and heal and thrive. It is passion of a depth that is only achievable by an utter release of all insecurities. It is a vital glow when all the world is heavy with cold and darkness. And it is worth every growing pain it takes to achieve it.
I may end up posting more thoughts on other aspects of this topic later. I have at least one other partially-written series of thoughts sitting in a temporary text file that may be worth finishing.
At the same time, my own relationship has been in a remarkably beautiful place, and full of extraordinary passion, despite the other struggles we're both going through. I want others to be able to have this as well, and so I keep finding myself typing up responses to people (here and elsewhere), trying to offer positive encouragement, but I never seem to actually finish or submit them. Well, last night I accidentally hit the Post button while I was still typing one of these up, so I was forced to finish it. Reading it again today, I decided that I'd like to share it with a more general audience. Since the original post was friends-locked, I've made several changes to my reply, particularly in the second paragraph, to anonymize it.
Few things are as terrifying as building a long-term relationship. Taking the step of committing to another person requires an enormous leap of faith, and it leaves you in a uniquely vulnerable position. You have agreed to reject all other possible mates (and other possible futures) in favor of one person (choosing to trust that your union will provide each of you with what you most need and want in a relationship), knowing that there is no absolute guarantee that it will work out that way. The problem, of course, is that most people who have newly committed to one another have no idea what it actually feels like to be in a healthy, lasting relationship. Those first several years are filled with insecurities and confusion, and when things get rough, the lovers become scared. Things aren't the way they thought they'd turn out, and they're fighting all the time. Does this mean that the relationship is doomed?
What I'm seeing in your story is not necessarily a doomed relationship. Rather, I see two people who love each other fiercely, but are terrified. You are terrified of discovering that your positive qualities and love for your partner aren't enough to make them love you in a way that gives you the things you want and need in a relationship; they are terrified that they are in some way inadequate in your eyes, and that their positive qualities and love for you aren't enough to entice you to stay.
In my experience, this is a normal stage in a long-term relationship. In fact, there is usually a point where the parties switch: the one who was afraid of not having their needs met (person A) finally decides to trust the other person (person B), then person B no longer feels inadequate, so it's time for them to question whether they can get *their* needs met, which then makes person A feel inadequate. Eventually, person B decides to trust person A, and an entirely new phase of the relationship begins.
Many people never make it through these phases, obviously. And I can't help but wonder if people who have divorced once end up more likely to divorce later because when they reach this point in the relationship, they assume it's a death knell, rather than recognizing it as a normal struggle on the path to true love.
I think the struggle is worth it. What's on the other side is nothing like you expect it to be. It's immeasurably better. It's absolute certainty that you are loved, respected, understood, and accepted exactly as you are by someone whom you love, respect, understand, and accept exactly as they are. It's the knowledge that you chose one another over and over again, even through times that were so difficult that most people would have given up and sought greener pastures, so that now there is no question of whether you would choose one another, because the answer to that question is an eternal YES. You maintain your independent identities, yet you have become extensions of one another, so that together, you are more than the sum of your individual personalities.
True love is the opposite of fear. It's a place of absolute safety where you can rest and heal and thrive. It is passion of a depth that is only achievable by an utter release of all insecurities. It is a vital glow when all the world is heavy with cold and darkness. And it is worth every growing pain it takes to achieve it.
I may end up posting more thoughts on other aspects of this topic later. I have at least one other partially-written series of thoughts sitting in a temporary text file that may be worth finishing.