Reframing rape
Yesterday, I came across an interesting post entitled Thoughts on Men and Rape. In it, the author expresses his anger and bafflement at how rape is considered a women's issue, as if men have nothing to do with it, and that in his experience, when men discuss rape at all, it is in the context of being worried about being falsely accused of rape. He also makes an interesting observation:Ever notice how often we talk about how someone was raped? When was the last time you heard it phrased, "Someone raped her." Because of course, the latter construction puts the responsibility on the rapist. It isn't something that just happens. It's something a person chose to do.
The post was well worth reading, and it sparked some interesting discussion. However, I felt like something important was missing from the conversation. Then today, a comment to the author's brief follow-up post clicked something into place for me. This was my reply:In high school (during the Bernardo era especially) the girls were taught how to avoid being attacked - just the girls - and it was OUR responsibility to NOT get attacked as the good policemen told us.
You know, something about all this was bothering me that I couldn't quite put my finger on until I read this comment. Girls are taught that they must modify their behavior and appearance; that boys will be boys, so if a girl fails to maintain an active defense at all times, she can expect to be raped. Let's set aside for the moment the disturbing power dynamic that this entrenches. Instead, let's look at what's missing here.
In every online discussion I've read on this topic, someone steps in to say that males can be raped, too, and that females can also be rapists. It's great that this expanded awareness is becoming a part of the canon. But there is still something missing.
No one is taught that they are at risk for COMMITTING rape.
No one, male or female, seems to believe that they would ever rape anyone. When we talk about rape, it is in terms of "rapists" and people who "were raped". We are all familiar with innumerable accounts of sexual assault (stories usually told by those who "were raped"). Yet how many of the perpetrators of these assaults think of themselves as "rapists"?
In our culture, we have a love/hate relationship with labels. We love to explain other people's behavior by labeling them as a certain type of person, and we cling to certain labels that we use to help describe/define ourselves, but we hate being labeled by others. We want others to take situational factors into account when examining our behavior (even though we attribute their behavior to their personal characteristics).
When we are placed in a situation that leads us to behave in unflattering ways that are at odds with our own ideas of who we are, rather than change the way we think about ourselves, we tend to place blame for our actions on the situation, or on the other people involved. (e.g. "I was drunk!" translates to "It wasn't me that did it; it was the alcohol. I'm not responsible for what happened." and "She was asking for it!" translates to "I'm not a rapist; I'm just a guy doing what any normal guy would do. But her-she's a slut; it's her fault!") Or we justify our behavior or modify our view of it to fit within our ideas of ourselves. (e.g. "He's too shy to ask for what he really wants; I'm helping him by giving him what I know every guy secretly desires." or "Look how vulnerable she is. So many guys have mistreated her. Well, I'm going to show her that guys can be different. I'm going to make love to her so she can know how it should be done.")
This is cognitive dissonance at work. "Rapists rape people. I am not a rapist, therefore I do not rape people." or "I am a nice person. Nice people don't rape people, so this isn't rape." Yet, given how many rapes that have occurred (not to mention how many victims have trouble admitting even to themselves that what happened was "really" rape), there must be many, many people who have committed sexual assault who do not see it as such because they do not think of themselves as rapists.
I agree that we need to change "they were raped" to "someone raped them". But we also need to change "they are a rapist" to "they raped someone". We need to humanize rape, so that we understand that it isn't something that aliens who have nothing to do with us do, but rather that it's something that people just like us do, and that we ourselves are at risk of raping someone. We need to teach everyone not just how to avoid being assaulted, but how to avoid raping anyone.
The post was well worth reading, and it sparked some interesting discussion. However, I felt like something important was missing from the conversation. Then today, a comment to the author's brief follow-up post clicked something into place for me. This was my reply:In high school (during the Bernardo era especially) the girls were taught how to avoid being attacked - just the girls - and it was OUR responsibility to NOT get attacked as the good policemen told us.
You know, something about all this was bothering me that I couldn't quite put my finger on until I read this comment. Girls are taught that they must modify their behavior and appearance; that boys will be boys, so if a girl fails to maintain an active defense at all times, she can expect to be raped. Let's set aside for the moment the disturbing power dynamic that this entrenches. Instead, let's look at what's missing here.
In every online discussion I've read on this topic, someone steps in to say that males can be raped, too, and that females can also be rapists. It's great that this expanded awareness is becoming a part of the canon. But there is still something missing.
No one is taught that they are at risk for COMMITTING rape.
No one, male or female, seems to believe that they would ever rape anyone. When we talk about rape, it is in terms of "rapists" and people who "were raped". We are all familiar with innumerable accounts of sexual assault (stories usually told by those who "were raped"). Yet how many of the perpetrators of these assaults think of themselves as "rapists"?
In our culture, we have a love/hate relationship with labels. We love to explain other people's behavior by labeling them as a certain type of person, and we cling to certain labels that we use to help describe/define ourselves, but we hate being labeled by others. We want others to take situational factors into account when examining our behavior (even though we attribute their behavior to their personal characteristics).
When we are placed in a situation that leads us to behave in unflattering ways that are at odds with our own ideas of who we are, rather than change the way we think about ourselves, we tend to place blame for our actions on the situation, or on the other people involved. (e.g. "I was drunk!" translates to "It wasn't me that did it; it was the alcohol. I'm not responsible for what happened." and "She was asking for it!" translates to "I'm not a rapist; I'm just a guy doing what any normal guy would do. But her-she's a slut; it's her fault!") Or we justify our behavior or modify our view of it to fit within our ideas of ourselves. (e.g. "He's too shy to ask for what he really wants; I'm helping him by giving him what I know every guy secretly desires." or "Look how vulnerable she is. So many guys have mistreated her. Well, I'm going to show her that guys can be different. I'm going to make love to her so she can know how it should be done.")
This is cognitive dissonance at work. "Rapists rape people. I am not a rapist, therefore I do not rape people." or "I am a nice person. Nice people don't rape people, so this isn't rape." Yet, given how many rapes that have occurred (not to mention how many victims have trouble admitting even to themselves that what happened was "really" rape), there must be many, many people who have committed sexual assault who do not see it as such because they do not think of themselves as rapists.
I agree that we need to change "they were raped" to "someone raped them". But we also need to change "they are a rapist" to "they raped someone". We need to humanize rape, so that we understand that it isn't something that aliens who have nothing to do with us do, but rather that it's something that people just like us do, and that we ourselves are at risk of raping someone. We need to teach everyone not just how to avoid being assaulted, but how to avoid raping anyone.