Opportunities Passed By
Thinking about lost opportunities, the incident with my co-worker. My whole life, I keep wavering between thinking I have control, I can make things happen and if it's not meant to be, it's not going to happen. Seems like I should really, truly believe in one or the other, like there are no atheists in foxholes - you either believe in baby jesus fully or you don't. You can't believe in him some days when it is convenient and not on others. I wonder what it's like to really and truly believe in something?
It is hard enough to find accepting pervy playmates in real life. So why did I let this opportunity pass by unacted upon? She made no judgment of my wearing a slip, wasn't appalled/offended. Undoubtedly fear kept me silent. Sometimes, like now, I feel fear rules my life. Fear of failure, fear of success, fear of disappointing, not being there. Fear of being creative/uncreative, fear of discovery, entitlement, power, strength, functionality. There's this wonderful line about how come your parents always know how to push your buttons...because they installed them.
Are we hardwired to our past? Or can we say that this is just old scripts and programming that have nothing to do with who we are now and let it all go? Somehow. And really and truly believe in that.
It is hard enough to find accepting pervy playmates in real life. So why did I let this opportunity pass by unacted upon? She made no judgment of my wearing a slip, wasn't appalled/offended. Undoubtedly fear kept me silent. Sometimes, like now, I feel fear rules my life. Fear of failure, fear of success, fear of disappointing, not being there. Fear of being creative/uncreative, fear of discovery, entitlement, power, strength, functionality. There's this wonderful line about how come your parents always know how to push your buttons...because they installed them.
Are we hardwired to our past? Or can we say that this is just old scripts and programming that have nothing to do with who we are now and let it all go? Somehow. And really and truly believe in that.