basically i'm complicated, i have a hard time taking the easy way
i just twitched. i was just sitting here and reading the same thing i have been reading all day (p.s. i think i am the biggest fucking creeper alive. maybe someday i will admit to what i have done, but right now i would die of shame) and my arm just... twitched. and it creeps me out.
with the fucking fingernails still. i painted one hand black. then i got bored (which i also think is a sign. i hate it when things are uneven. ocd? maybe in all seriousness) but i just did one hand. and a few hours later i started to pick at it and its all gone now and so there is just nail. and skin. AND I CAN'T STOP. this is actually scaring me and i think it will sound funny to you reading this. but let me attempt to impress upon you the fact that this fucking freaks me out. something is not right. it needs to be fixed
had something else to say but completely forgot
i considered the fact that it may be stress about my exam (for which i have not studied) and paper (which i have not even thought about) but i really don't care. sometimes i say i don't care in an attempt to convince myself its true. to de-stress. i tell other people because then it has to be true. translation = i lie a lot. but this time its true. i am not feeling the appropriate emotions for having not studied for an exam that is gonna be really tough. i am bored. and i keep crying thinking about... well, no, that i'd rather not share. but do you get it? (please say something because if no one is reading this i am just gonna stop and deal with this some other way. find some other way to get this out. i just need to be reassured that someone hears this. b/c i have a really hard time saying this to anyones face.)
i am afraid. and i feel incredibly alone at the moment. and i SWEAR i am not looking for sympathy. i don't need people to tell me "ag. you are such a great person! really." because i tend not to believe that. it pisses me off. because if it were true i would be told spontaneously, not when i ask for it. so save it. (wow. cool. now i am being a bitch to the people i am trying to reach out too... way to go me) i just need to be heard. wow. this is so fucking hard. why can't i explain in a way that satisfies me?
ummmm, i am sorry i keep updating now that i am dealing with shit and that i never do when things are ok. ignore me (only, please don't)
people keep asking what they can do. i finally figured it out, sorta: spend time with me. seriously. it works wonders. because the way i am with people (bubblyish, funnyish, alive at least) is real. its not a front. i really do feel better when i am around other people.
FUCK I NEED TO SHUT UP
its deep how you can be shallow,
and i'm afraid 'cause i have no fear
and i didn't believe in magic
until i watched you disappear
i wish you were here
and i can go on and on and on
but who cares
you see
everybody is somebody
but nobody wants to be themselves
and if i ever wanted to understand me
i'd have to talk to someone else
'cause every little bit helps
with the fucking fingernails still. i painted one hand black. then i got bored (which i also think is a sign. i hate it when things are uneven. ocd? maybe in all seriousness) but i just did one hand. and a few hours later i started to pick at it and its all gone now and so there is just nail. and skin. AND I CAN'T STOP. this is actually scaring me and i think it will sound funny to you reading this. but let me attempt to impress upon you the fact that this fucking freaks me out. something is not right. it needs to be fixed
had something else to say but completely forgot
i considered the fact that it may be stress about my exam (for which i have not studied) and paper (which i have not even thought about) but i really don't care. sometimes i say i don't care in an attempt to convince myself its true. to de-stress. i tell other people because then it has to be true. translation = i lie a lot. but this time its true. i am not feeling the appropriate emotions for having not studied for an exam that is gonna be really tough. i am bored. and i keep crying thinking about... well, no, that i'd rather not share. but do you get it? (please say something because if no one is reading this i am just gonna stop and deal with this some other way. find some other way to get this out. i just need to be reassured that someone hears this. b/c i have a really hard time saying this to anyones face.)
i am afraid. and i feel incredibly alone at the moment. and i SWEAR i am not looking for sympathy. i don't need people to tell me "ag. you are such a great person! really." because i tend not to believe that. it pisses me off. because if it were true i would be told spontaneously, not when i ask for it. so save it. (wow. cool. now i am being a bitch to the people i am trying to reach out too... way to go me) i just need to be heard. wow. this is so fucking hard. why can't i explain in a way that satisfies me?
ummmm, i am sorry i keep updating now that i am dealing with shit and that i never do when things are ok. ignore me (only, please don't)
people keep asking what they can do. i finally figured it out, sorta: spend time with me. seriously. it works wonders. because the way i am with people (bubblyish, funnyish, alive at least) is real. its not a front. i really do feel better when i am around other people.
FUCK I NEED TO SHUT UP
its deep how you can be shallow,
and i'm afraid 'cause i have no fear
and i didn't believe in magic
until i watched you disappear
i wish you were here
and i can go on and on and on
but who cares
you see
everybody is somebody
but nobody wants to be themselves
and if i ever wanted to understand me
i'd have to talk to someone else
'cause every little bit helps