i never worry 'cause i'm a cat.
i can't remember what i was going to say.
this weekend was amazing. i got to know my friends better, see an amazing band, do really stupid things, and not shower for days on end. i never thought i could honestly love a band this much, but their lyrics are smart (when you can understand them) and everyone is welcome. i can take what i want form their words and feel included in something much bigger at the same time. i don't know...
i did spend parts of the weekend feeling out of place and very alone. i tried to ignore them, but they still nagged at me. the shows made up some of it in the end.
so obviously i am exhausted, it makes sense, i didn't really sleep all that much this weekend... i was driving or awake before the other two and not able to sleep. and so i slept through class this morning (psych 101) which would normally not be a big deal, only its the 3rd time i've done it and i feel terribly guilty. and i know its cuz i am sleep deprived and crew wears me out (its almost over!) but honestly... today was so fucking STUPID. i was going to go shower and then i was like "no. i can lie down for a few min" only then i didn't wake up. FUCK. its no big deal. everything he says is on the power point, i just feel really guilty... and i should. but i feel guilty about more then just skipping class. i feel guilty that i hate it here and that i don't apply myself and that i am wasting my families money. and that i don't know what i want. i have no idea what i can do to make myself happy. i want an easy answer. or if that does not come, i at least want someone to gather me up in their arms and tell me that its ok and let me cry for a bit. i wish i knew who i was. cliché as that is.
anyhow. on the bright side, i get to go home early sat afternoon after the last race for crew. andddd hallowmass is in 7 days. and i get to talk to yana tonight i hope. and ella. and i will probably get to see sophie tomorrow night.
i know at the back of my mind that stuff will be ok, i just wish i believed it.
this weekend was amazing. i got to know my friends better, see an amazing band, do really stupid things, and not shower for days on end. i never thought i could honestly love a band this much, but their lyrics are smart (when you can understand them) and everyone is welcome. i can take what i want form their words and feel included in something much bigger at the same time. i don't know...
i did spend parts of the weekend feeling out of place and very alone. i tried to ignore them, but they still nagged at me. the shows made up some of it in the end.
so obviously i am exhausted, it makes sense, i didn't really sleep all that much this weekend... i was driving or awake before the other two and not able to sleep. and so i slept through class this morning (psych 101) which would normally not be a big deal, only its the 3rd time i've done it and i feel terribly guilty. and i know its cuz i am sleep deprived and crew wears me out (its almost over!) but honestly... today was so fucking STUPID. i was going to go shower and then i was like "no. i can lie down for a few min" only then i didn't wake up. FUCK. its no big deal. everything he says is on the power point, i just feel really guilty... and i should. but i feel guilty about more then just skipping class. i feel guilty that i hate it here and that i don't apply myself and that i am wasting my families money. and that i don't know what i want. i have no idea what i can do to make myself happy. i want an easy answer. or if that does not come, i at least want someone to gather me up in their arms and tell me that its ok and let me cry for a bit. i wish i knew who i was. cliché as that is.
anyhow. on the bright side, i get to go home early sat afternoon after the last race for crew. andddd hallowmass is in 7 days. and i get to talk to yana tonight i hope. and ella. and i will probably get to see sophie tomorrow night.
i know at the back of my mind that stuff will be ok, i just wish i believed it.