[fandrabble] Insults
*Please excuse the paragraph alignment and font. I took this text directly from MS Word and it got all screwed up.*
“Ostrich.”
“Excuse me…?” Roderich Edelstein did not bother looking up from his novel to know that Gilbert Weillschmidt was the one speaking to him. There went Roderich’s peaceful lunch break in the school library. Leave it to Gilbert to interrupt a good book. He continued to flip nonchalantly through the pages as Gilbert spoke,
“Ostrich.”
Roderich could tell that the other youth was grinning in his characteristically mischievous way. To get an explanation, Roderich knew that he would have to throw the first punch,
“Gilbert, you lose about fifty marbles each day, don’t you?”
“I had no marbles to begin with, remember?” Touché, I suppose. Gilbert decided to add one last jab, “But you’re the one with no balls, ostrich!”
“What do you find so fascinating about ostriches to make you insist on calling me one?” Roderich had, at this point, marked the page in his novel and set it on the side table to his right. Gilbert sat on the coffee table in front of the Austrian, and having successfully pulled Roderich away from his reading material, the German procured his own; a dictionary which he began leafing through as he spoke,
“Österreich. What does that sound like?”
“Ah. But if you are attempting to insult my nationality, you are failing miserably. Pronunciation is not-”
“‘A large flightless bird,’” Gilbert quoted, then looked at the Austrian, “that struts around all prim and proper, but when it gets scared it sticks its head in the ground to hide. Hey, look, it even has a cravat like you!”
Gilbert shoved the dictionary in Roderich’s face, and sure enough, there was printed a photograph of a large ostrich with mostly black feathers, but a large patch of white at the base of its neck. Roderich was beginning to get irritated now, partly because of Gilbert’s usual rudeness, and partly because he did not enjoy being compared with a “large flightless bird.” He pushed the reference book out of the way as he stood up from his arm chair,
“If you are finished, I would like to read my book in peace!” Roderich scooped up his novel and was about to walk away when Gilbert, once again, uttered,
“Ostrich.”
Roderich turned around for a retort to find Gilbert pretending to strut like an ostrich, using his hands to represent tiny wings and extending his neck as far as it would reach. When Roderich began to step closer to him, the German youth immediately dove his head under the seat cushion of the library’s couch. With a muffled voice, he said “ostrich” and began to laugh. Roderich frowned in annoyance, and went to sign out his book. A minute later,
“Ostrich!”
Roderich jumped at the sound of Gilbert’s voice directly behind him. His novel slipped out of his hand and fell to the floor, so Roderich bent to pick it up. At this, Gilbert said,
“Did I scare you so much that you’re gonna hide in the ground?” He was grinning like a mad man. Ignoring Gilbert, Roderich gave his school ID number to the librarian, who then scanned his book and stamped a due date inside. She handed the book back to him and Roderich said,
“Thank y-”
“Ostrich!”
“Okay, that is enough!” Roderich whipped around to face Gilbert and began prodding him in the chest as he backed the other youth against the opposite wall, “I can only tolerate so much out of you! Austrians do not hide when threatened, and we most certainly do not strut around as if the world revolves around us! We just happen to have a very high standard of living, unlike you East Germans!”
Gilbert blinked in surprise at Roderich’s outburst. As the Austrian ranted and raved at him, he formed his next attack plan to see how far he could push Roderich. By now, a crowd had gathered around them, mesmerized by Roderich’s uncharacteristic volume that could be heard throughout the library. To put on a show for them, Gilbert decided on one last jab,
“Did I ruffle your feathers, ostrich?”
Roderich raised and clenched his fist, ready to punch Gilbert in the face before he realized just how barbaric that would be. The other youth probably got punched at least once every day for his antics anyway; Roderich would not have been surprised. Instead of using his hands, he resolved to be diplomatic and use his words,
“Do you know what you remind me of, Gilbert? A crow, because you are always sticking your nose in others’ business and annoying them to no end, constantly scavenging for attention!”
With that, Roderich walked calmly out of the library, his novel in hand. Gilbert scoffed at the Austrian’s receding back,
“Ostrich.”
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Author's Comments: Forgive me for being a perfectionist/obsessive-compulsive, but... I was debating whether or not to spell Gilbert's surname with a "b" instead of a "w" because I read somewhere that "Beillschmidt" was more correct. Out of curiosity, for all you German-speakers/natives out there, which is it supposed to be?