My new years post.
Look not mournfully into the past. It comes not back again. Wisely improve the present. It is thine. Go forth to meet the shadowy future, without fear.
About a year ago, on Christmas Eve, I posted this same quote. I can usually count on not being able to connect with quotes that I understood then, but this one... it is eternal. Not because this is how I am, but oh God, how I wish I could be that way. "Look not mournfully into the past." That's all I ever seem to do. Oh, before I continue, let me say that this isn't going to be a complaining entry, but I just like a reflective one at the end of the year. That is all.
I'm pretty sure that I'm at that time in my life that all the adults have always said "You're going to change so much, you'll be a new person every day," etc. Lemme tell you... I don't remember who I was a year ago. I was confused, I thought I was depressed, but I had friends. I had the awesome, bestest friends that cliches can usually describe. That's what sticks out most about the end of last year.
And since I haven't posted an entry in a while, and I haven't posted a long one in a while, this was my year.
New Years Eve, 04/05. I can't imagine a better start to my year. It was a night filled with my two best friends, dealcoholized wine, and sledding down the stairs in sleeping bags.
January, enter Brandon. Most likely a plot to create tension in the beginning, but me being the emotional girl I am... ends up falling for the worst person I could. Really, looking back on it, he was such a little boy, but I guess I was a little girl, and where would I be today without that period of... emotinal growth? Haha. It was just an excuse to have a boyfriend on my part, and just an excuse to have a girlfriend on his part. But at the time... it was puppy love at it's greatest, and Anna's emotional rollercoaster on full blast.
February, I started going to Westside. Oh, Westside. Westside made my life for the rest of the time I was in Kentucky. It brought me closer to Brandon and Kaci. I remember in the beginning, I was so guarded, and afraid that they wouldn't ever let me into the little 'circle'. And even though I still feel sometimes like I was pretty much an outsider, I at least got to taste that sense of belonging, of actually being happy, and having a life.
March. The only thing I remember from March is, of course, March Madness. Obvious it may be, but I just associate that with the high point of life. Things were good, I was going to the gym regularly, I had eons before I had to move, and me and Kaci were in full bloom.
April is when the moving panic started to set in. I started having crazy mood swings, being totally depressed and just crying one minute, completely happy the next, ready to move the next, and then pushing people away the next. Things that got me through this time = Kaci, Macs cappacinos, Diet Code Red, Kaci, popcorn, and Kaci. If not for her, I could have easily jumped off a bridge in one of my emotional fits of depression.
May. Two of the most major events of the year happened in May. First... I met him. Dustin. Exactly one week before I moved. Which would be the second thing. Thus begins the strange spirals of relationship/unhapiness at the same time. How depressing. Gosh. Oh, and Brandon turned my virginity down. That kind of hurt, but I really got over that pretty quick.
June, I go with my dad. This is the month that I spent falling for Dustin through late night six hour phone conversations about everything. I'd spend nights in my little room in the apartment with inscence burning, just talking to Dustin, wishing I hadn't moved, wishing I was older so I could just... be. (As I type this part, "First Day of My Life" comes on, and it's striking a nerve.) In other areas, I was anticipating a visit from a certain three of my favoritist friends.
July, I stayed with my dad til the middle of the month. That part basically consisted of the same thing as June, except the three friends dwindled down to one, but one who was more than enough to make me the happiest person alive. I got home (or at the time, Virginia, but not quite home) on July 16th, cleaned my room, went to bed, woke up, and drove back to the airport to pick up Kaci Madison Edwards, my one love that I can count on forever. Thus I proceeded to have one of the greatest weeks of my year, if not the greatest week. Talk about poolside gossip and whatnot. Oh, and I almost forgot (not)... I started dating Dustin, which basically consisted of having the same relationship, but calling each other boyfriend and girlfriend. After Kaci, he was my best friend. He knew me so well...
August, another month of anticipation. I was going to go back and visit Richmond, Kentucky! Oh how excited I was. Or not? I don't know. It was so strange. I think I knew what was going to happen before I even went, and I do believe I even talked to Josh Applegate about it, so subconciously I was dreading that maybe. Either way, I went to Kentucky, had such an amazing time, I can't even describe, but at the same time ruined me and Dustin. For what I assume is forever.
September, oh what a month. I started school at a public high school with 2500 students, as opposed to the high school I went to before with approx. 300 students. I made friends with a group of douche bags, who introduced me to an individual in an unbuttoned shirt listening to Mozart, who had possesion of a black belt in Tae Kwon Doe (or however the hell you spell that.) From the moment I met him, I had a crush. It was such a girly crush, and I never even expected, or even wanted anything out of it. I just wanted to be crushing on someone for the fun of it. Than, wham bam, one day we're friends, he's my only friend, and then the next we're dating, and shew. So much controversy there, I can't even type it. What did I get out of it? My first, true real love. And a group of douche bags who hate me. Haha.
October, there's one thing that happened here. I lost my virginity. There, I said it. And I became friends with Jonathan McFadden, who is, as of who knows when, my cunt monkey, my best friend here other than Rilynn. I know at the beginning a whole bunch of people thought stuff was going on with us, but Jon... me and him are just good friends, and I am... I can't think of what to say about him. He gets me through the days.
November, I fall further and further in love with Rilynn, my boy, and... I'm pretty sure that's it. And all the while, I'm slowly but surely losing touch with everything before June. By November, I could barely remember it, and never thought about it, because if I did... that opened up all kinds of things that I didn't need to deal with.
And now, it's December. I've almost come full circle. These last three and a half months or whatever with Rilynn have been... bordering the best ever, except I can't shake this guilty feeling, like the first three months were the best. And you know what... I can't even assimilate my life then with my life now. It's like... a completely different thing. When I say that my time with Rilynn was the best of my life... it's my second life. If that makes any sense.
And, although these little descriptions of months don't even describe all the change and I guess emotion... know that regardless of the sadness, I do believe that this is possibly the best year I've had (out of all 16 of them). And now... I can just hope for the best, and know that things can really only get better.
So, regardless whether you read all that or not, I hope you have a happy New Year. Reinvent yourself. Or... don't. You know. Whatever you want. Just remember though, (speaking from my own personal experience) it's much better not to dwell in the past. It isn't coming back... so instead of wishing it would... just be happy that it happened.
Enough with the corny words of wisdom.
Goodnight all.