fuck you Hallmark
I hate today, and the couples who go to all the trouble for today to make up for the rest year when they take each other for granted. Here are some flowers and candy, let's forget about me treating you like shit and you staying with me out of desparation just for a little while, ok? I mean, yay love.
anyway, I went home last week. It was really nice to see Jade and I just love her to death! she's so fucking hilarious, and i love her non portable cell phone. she also gave me a little present, a very potent little present. and time with James is always nice. Oh James.
But my parents are so.... sad. I don't ever want to be like that. I wonder if my dad has always been so unhappy. For the longest time, I always blamed America for him being such an asshole, but maybe he's always been like that. Although i have heard stories about him being halfway decent a really long time ago. I asked my mom why he's so skinny in all the photo albums and she said its because he could never properly deal with his anger, and he has so much of it. I guess if my country, the US, communism, and capitalism so royally fucked me over like they did him, i might be that angry too. I just wish my mom had something better. She mentioned wanting to go back to Laos, and I selfishly wanted her to stay. Because I love my mom, a lot more than I ever demonstrate, but I do. Why do families have to be so complex? and why do i have to be so selfish? My family has always been one of the few things that could actually ever make me cry. When I'm here, I don't ever really think about how deep and how powerful my connection is to them. But its there, and sometimes i think I won't ever be able to leave. Because I would be wracked with guilt. i shouldn't be pursuing my own dreams, I should be taking care of them, right? that's the filial thing to do. and there's a very slim chance that I will ever be happy anyway. and maybe I won't ever do anything substantial. So shouldn't i just stay, and fulfill my duties to my family?
anyway, I went home last week. It was really nice to see Jade and I just love her to death! she's so fucking hilarious, and i love her non portable cell phone. she also gave me a little present, a very potent little present. and time with James is always nice. Oh James.
But my parents are so.... sad. I don't ever want to be like that. I wonder if my dad has always been so unhappy. For the longest time, I always blamed America for him being such an asshole, but maybe he's always been like that. Although i have heard stories about him being halfway decent a really long time ago. I asked my mom why he's so skinny in all the photo albums and she said its because he could never properly deal with his anger, and he has so much of it. I guess if my country, the US, communism, and capitalism so royally fucked me over like they did him, i might be that angry too. I just wish my mom had something better. She mentioned wanting to go back to Laos, and I selfishly wanted her to stay. Because I love my mom, a lot more than I ever demonstrate, but I do. Why do families have to be so complex? and why do i have to be so selfish? My family has always been one of the few things that could actually ever make me cry. When I'm here, I don't ever really think about how deep and how powerful my connection is to them. But its there, and sometimes i think I won't ever be able to leave. Because I would be wracked with guilt. i shouldn't be pursuing my own dreams, I should be taking care of them, right? that's the filial thing to do. and there's a very slim chance that I will ever be happy anyway. and maybe I won't ever do anything substantial. So shouldn't i just stay, and fulfill my duties to my family?