LINES FROM 09 THAT CAME TO BITE ME IN MY ASS
So, I was deleting/reading some old PMs, and I found this beauty in a PM to our resident psychopath/pathological liar.
All these were said by ME, no one else. So, nothing anyone said to me in confidence is being revealed; just things I said to other people.
Sometimes, I think I'm really stupid, or just criminally naive.
This didn't bite per se... I suppose I was hinting that I wanted to talk about it, but I didn't want to be the one to say so? /shot I do the mixed girl signals very well these days.
So much worthless, wasted emotion over someone who I never had a chance with. Seems kind of sad. Then again, I'm a sad little girl, aren't I?
Maybe they did, and they didn't say so. I think I needed someone to tell me there was something wrong with me... or just acknowledge that something wasn't okay. I know that I wasn't as good at hiding as I thought.
The person I was talking to actually said something extremely insightful; something I'd hear again from a different source much later in the year. So we all know, I'm still confused as to how I feel about the topic that was on discussion. I don't need to know how I feel about it, but still, I would like to resolve it within myself one day.
Anyway, should get off now. It's late. And this ended up being more reflective than self-degrading like I meant it to be. I must be in a weird mood. Or maybe I actually have some self-esteem now and I think that's wrong and should be reminding myself of how much I really shouldn't think well of myself. XD
Maybe it's 1am and I should go to bed.
All these were said by ME, no one else. So, nothing anyone said to me in confidence is being revealed; just things I said to other people.
- "I've given you my faith. Please don't show me later down the line that it's been misplaced."
Sometimes, I think I'm really stupid, or just criminally naive.
- "Mem... well, he's a topic maybe to be left untouched. Unless you would like to."
This didn't bite per se... I suppose I was hinting that I wanted to talk about it, but I didn't want to be the one to say so? /shot I do the mixed girl signals very well these days.
- "I want to talk to ******, so much, and it's not fair, because he /has/ someone already, and I can't have him! And I want him. I want him so much. He's one of the few people who's never made me feel like I'm not good enough, he's never yelled at me, or told me what to do, he's just there, and he cares, and I just..."
So much worthless, wasted emotion over someone who I never had a chance with. Seems kind of sad. Then again, I'm a sad little girl, aren't I?
- "It's just... places I should belong, or used to belong, expect me to act a certain way, and never change. And as time goes on, more and more of it's pretend, and it's getting to me. Yesterday, not one of them noticed there was something wrong with me."
Maybe they did, and they didn't say so. I think I needed someone to tell me there was something wrong with me... or just acknowledge that something wasn't okay. I know that I wasn't as good at hiding as I thought.
- "I don't... I almost can't believe it, in a way. Or don't want to believe it. I don't know. It's so confusing. :/"
The person I was talking to actually said something extremely insightful; something I'd hear again from a different source much later in the year. So we all know, I'm still confused as to how I feel about the topic that was on discussion. I don't need to know how I feel about it, but still, I would like to resolve it within myself one day.
Anyway, should get off now. It's late. And this ended up being more reflective than self-degrading like I meant it to be. I must be in a weird mood. Or maybe I actually have some self-esteem now and I think that's wrong and should be reminding myself of how much I really shouldn't think well of myself. XD
Maybe it's 1am and I should go to bed.