[Fic] Cosmos 7/9
Title: Cosmos
Author: Sanzu
Pairing: Ryoda
Raiting: PG-15
Genre: AU (semi), romance, angst
Beta by: -
Disclaimer: I only own the plot
Summary: Music industry brings back together Ryo and Tatsuya who used to be best of friends 5 years ago until that horrible misunderstanding separated them
Warning: unbetad
Author Note: Relatively short chapters and includes an OC. Give it a try, ne ^^
Chapter 7
“W-w-w-what?” Ryo whispered in disbelieve. His best friend from five years ago did not just confess to him. It was something he had never expected. Well, actually Ryo had never really even thought about the word love before.
“Yeah. It might be pathetic and disgusting but I fell for you already five years ago,” Tatsuya told him looking at the floor and nibbling his own shirt with his fingers. “Back then I could keep the feelings to myself because you were my best friend. But now… now when we haven’t been friends for such a long time, I don’t think I’m able to handle being friends with you, knowing how much more I really want from you,” he continued.
“I…” Ryo knew he had to say something, he just had no idea what to say. Absolutely no idea. His mind was blank.
“You don’t have to say anything. We’ll have professional terms from now on,” Tatsuya tried and smiled at Ryo in encouraging way. He could see there was nothing Ryo knew to say about the situation and he himself too wanted to get out of it.
“I have to… think about this,” Ryo ended up saying before he slowly walked to the front door, putting his shoes on and exited the apartment.
Tatsuya looked after him with mixed emotions. He was happy Ryo didn’t hate him anymore and knew about his feelings. After five years, he had managed to confess to Ryo. But then again, he was sad because he was yearning for Ryo to be around him. He missed those times when they were close and would share everything with each other.
Ryo had been the first person Tatsuya had ever trusted and so Ryo was the first person he ever told about his family and other things. He had always been the mystery guy, the one whose past was unknown to everyone. Ryo had been the first one to get to see what was going on after his school days and what had happened in the past.
At the same time Ryo got out of the building and found the car still there and Mika sitting behind the wheel, clearly waiting for something. Ryo walked to the car, sat on the passenger seat without a word. Mika studied him for a while but seemed to realize Ryo didn’t want to talk and started the car and drove away from Tatsuya’s place.
They stayed quiet during the whole ride and Ryo only said soft ‘bye’ before exiting the car when Mika parked it in front of the building where Ryo lived.
Mika, watching Ryo go to his own apartment, decided to drive home and call Tatsuya to ask what had happened. Maybe she could help them with something further.
****----****
For the next few days, Cosmos managed to have their rehearsals normally, though Ryo was clearly somewhere else during their breaks. Somehow he managed to push his thoughts aside while playing, so the others let him be for the time.
Tatsuya returned to work after staying home for three days. He was able to dance, not with all his might but enough to practice the dance steps and ignored the rest of the leave his manager had managed to get him.
Mika had managed to have a good talk with Tatsuya about the talk he and Ryo had had and knew pretty much every detail of the talk. That is why she didn’t go to Ryo again to talk and stopped the other guys from going to him either. She knew it was something Ryo needed to think over on his own without someone else interrupting him.
After Tatsuya saw Ryo’s state during breaks he never left Mika in peace again but kept asking if Ryo was alright and ate and slept normally. Otherwise Tatsuya stayed as far away from Ryo as possible, the reason being that his presence would probably just confuse Ryo more.
It was normal evening for Mika after work. She was making hot chocolate to have her relaxing time before getting ready to go to sleep. That was when her doorbell rang. She looked in the direction of the door before abandoning the unfinished hot chocolate and went to open the door.
“Ryo?” Mika was surprised to see her band mate behind the door. Ryo was slightly wet from the rain that had started outside without Mika noticing it.
“Can I come in?” Ryo asked and Mika immediately made room for Ryo to get inside the warm house. She left Ryo to take of his shoes while she went around the get a few towels to get Ryo dried up. She also managed to find a men’s T-shirt from her wardrobe. It was probably her father’s she had stolen before leaving home.
“Here. You can go to the bathroom to get dried up and change into this shirt”, Mika offered the towels and the shirt to Ryo who took them with a soft thank you and disappeared to the bathroom Mika pointed out for him.
Mika returned to the kitchen then to continue making the hot chocolate. Instead of making one only for herself she made one also for Ryo to get him warmed up better.
When Mika came to the living-room with two cups of hot chocolate, Ryo was just sitting down on the couch having changed his shirt. Mika gave Ryo the cup with a soft smile and sat down next to him.
“What is love?” Ryo asked after a small silence.
“Love is lots of things,” Mika answered. He felt rather relieved that Ryo came to talk to her about what was going on inside his head. She hoped to be able to help Ryo in the subject.
“I… never had anyone to show me what love really is like. My parents cheated on each other and were too busy with that to show any care to me or my sister. And my older sister brought different men home every week. I don’t want to believe that is what love is,” Ryo told Mika shortly. It was a subject they had never spoken about before. Ryo’s family.
“That’s not love. More like… lust and… being lost,” Mika nodded.
“Then how do I know if I love someone?” Ryo turned to face Mika showing the seriousness he was feeling.
“Usually people just… know they love someone,” Mika admitted. “But I guess… for you it’s different because it seems like no one has ever shown you what love really is about,” Mika continued.
“Yeah, so how can I know?” Ryo repeated the question.
“Think about what Tatsuya has done for you now and five years ago. That’s probably the only experience you have of real love,” Mika advised his band mate. It was actually rather hard to think what love really was. It was something that was there all around you with your family, your friends… but Ryo hadn’t really experienced any of that. How to explain love to him?
“I’ve tried to think that but… it still doesn’t give me the answer,” Ryo admitted. He started to look helpless already so Mika decided to do all she can to make Ryo understand.
“Love is when… you can’t stop thinking about someone. He’s always there, everything reminds you of him and you… want to do anything for that person to be happy,” Mika started to explain. “Of course there’s the lust part of love but... when you are able to put aside your own needs and give him what he needs, you really care for him,” Mika continued. Ryo listened the whole time like a good student trying to memorize everything Mika told him.
“Love is not only about taking whatever good things the other does for you. So when you are ready to forget about your own wants and needs now and then and think about what he wants and needs and give it to him… that’s what I believe is one sign that you love the person,” Mika nodded to her own words.
“Also, whenever something good or bad happens, he’s the person you want to call right away and share those things with. And even if the room is full of people, the one you love shines the brightest and is the only person you can really see. It’s like… all of a sudden your world is all about him. He becomes the center of your universe,” Mika continued on just bringing out all the things love meant for her.
A silence fell between them as Mika couldn’t come up with anything else to say. Ryo also looked like he could use a moment of thinking, trying to take notice of everything Mika had told him.
Mika observed her band mate while he tried to memorize everything and compare his own feelings to what Mika had told.
“I… I don’t know,” Ryo spoke up in the end. “I-I think that… I don’t know,” Ryo shook his head in despair.
Mika stood up and got next to Ryo to hug the other.
“Don’t make any rushed decision. Take your time to think it over. Tatsuya’s feelings aren’t going to change anytime soon. He has been loving you for 5 years already,” Mika encouraged Ryo who nodded liking the sound of having time to think everything over in peace and quiet.
Ryo left shortly after that to go home and think about everything in the silence of his apartment. Mika hoped Ryo could come to a decision soon. Even though he had said Tatsuya’s feelings wouldn’t change, it didn’t mean that he wouldn’t move on. That was something Mika had not wanted to bring out at that point. Ryo didn’t need any more stress.
*****…..*****
Ryo spent the next few days thinking over many things. The thoughts started from as early as he could remember, about how the life at his home was. It wasn’t a good environment for a child to grow in at all. That is why Ryo remembered never having a friend before high school.
He was already getting into trouble in elementary school. He remembered being in a many fights and always having some scar or bruise in some part of his body. His classmates had either been those who were too scared of him or those who fought against him.
They were thinking Ryo would be an easy case because of his small size but one time after another Ryo had proved them wrong.
In middle school he had formed his first gang with other kids who were willing to go against their parents and teachers and other adults. But most of them were from good families which made Ryo jealous of them. By that point his parents were long gone and Ryo had been the one to witness the final fight when both of his parents came clear they didn’t want to take Ryo with them. They didn’t talk about Ryo’s sister who was already almost 18 years old. She could handle herself, they said.
Ryo’s sister wasn’t happy either to have to take care of Ryo but she didn’t know where else to put Ryo. Ryo had never been close with his sister but now it seemed like they got along even worse. His sister kept complaining how she had to work so much to be able to get enough money to feed Ryo.
On first grade of high school Tatsuya transferred to same school with Ryo and Tatsuya was quickly made in to a new member of Ryo’s gang.
Somehow Ryo felt immediately connected with Tatsuya. It was like he could have sensed it from the other. They were somehow very similar. And so, when it turned out that Tatsuya was from a broken family as well, Ryo knew the reason for it.
Tatsuya became the first one Ryo had ever believed and trusted in and they were inseparable. They shared everything with each other, even though Tatsuya wasn’t the most talkative type all the times. Still, Ryo felt the best he had ever felt when he was with Tatsuya. Having a friend was such a great thing.
Thinking of the so-to-say betrayal of Tatsuya’s, Ryo had come to wonder if there had been some deeper feeling he hadn’t realized before. It was because the betrayal hurt so much, even after years. It was like he just couldn’t let go of it.
Having watched a few movies involving such a subject, Ryo had come to notice that people (at least in movies) were hurt the most by the people they loved romantically.
So the question was: had Ryo had romantic feelings for Tatsuya since the beginning? Or was he just reacting stronger because Tatsuya had been his first and last trusted person before the Cosmos members?
Ryo just got even more confused when thinking of the answer.
*********---------********
“Ryo’s been quiet,” Mika told Tatsuya when they were having dinner together after both of their schedules had ended. Tatsuya’s band was doing promotion and was actually gaining more popularity which only made his workload bigger. At the same time the same was happening to Cosmos.
“I’m sorry if it’s bothering your work. It’s kinda my fault,” Tatsuya lowered his head while apologizing. He had almost come to regret that he had told Ryo his real feelings. At that very moment it had seemed like a really good idea but after seeing what it did to Ryo, he wasn’t so sure any longer.
The younger one didn’t seem to be able to stay in a same room with Tatsuya for longer than five minutes at a time and the so called professional terms they were supposed to have were… well… in question as Ryo barely even looked into Tatsuya’s direction.
“You did what your heart told you to do. Don’t start with the regret thing. Ryo just needs some time to figure things out and he’ll return to how he used to be. I’m sure of it,” Mika told Tatsuya with a small convincing smile. “Besides, Ryo manages to do the work with his best ability. I even think he does his work better than before,” Mika added her smile turning into a grin.
“Oh…” Tatsuya lifted his head in surprise. He wasn’t sure what else to say to the subject. Mika just knew him too well.
“Anyways, have you heard about… you know?” Mika changed the subject suddenly but that is what she had been doing pretty often during the years Tatsuya had known her.
“Kuroda?” Tatsuya questioned to be sure they were talking about the same thing. “It seems like he will not be getting out anytime soon. He’s also being kept away from everyone else in the prison because of how he managed to speak those three into his businesses so easily,” Tatsuya told Mika what he had heard from his manager who had been in contact with the prison Kuroda was in. It was to make sure that Tatsuya would be safe from him in the future.
“That’s good. I don’t want to you to have to go through anything like that ever again even if I had to do something about it myself,” Mika had this small smile on her face but her tone was anything but friendly. The smile was for the paparazzi that had followed them all the way to the restaurant they were at.
Tatsuya didn’t have to even think about whether Mika meant every word she had said. Tatsuya was kind of afraid of that, though. He was rather sure Mika would even commit a terrible crime to keep Tatsuya safe from Kuroda.
“You’re getting scarier each day, you know,” Tatsuya ended up chuckling. He didn’t want Mika to do anything illegal but he could only be happy about having a friend who was ready to do anything for him. Besides Ryo he had never had a person like that. Not that he even would have given anyone a chance to be such a person to him.
“Good. People should be afraid of me,” Mika said with pride, though Tatsuya could tell it was partly done as a joke so Tatsuya laughed warm heartedly.
They kept eating and talking about anything and everything, taking their time with the food and even ordering dessert. Tatsuya wasn’t sure if there would be something about them dating on the magazines the next morning. Wouldn’t be the first time, though.
The paparazzi had been writing about the two of them more than once but each time both of them had told the press that they were just really close friends. Though Tatsuya had to admit Mika always made it sound more like a real truth than he did. She was natural as an idol in that way. Somehow she always knew what words to choose even though Japanese wasn’t her mother tongue.
Simply but; everything seemed to be simple and easy for Mika, like it came naturally. The fake smile she had to put on, the clothes she had to wear even though she felt very uncomfortable in them to the way she interacted with media and other important people to the entertainment business.
Tatsuya had witnessed how Mika had charmed a man who was known as foreigner hater in mere 30 minutes and had managed to get a job that gave Cosmos a lot more popularity.
They paid and left the restaurant. The paparazzi wasn’t trying to take the pictures in secret which is exactly why Mika decided to give the camera a beautiful smile and a wave before they got in to a taxi together and drove off.
“I’m not sure how they will make that turn out on a paper,” Tatsuya commented looking behind them to see the paparazzi gathering to see who had the best picture of the couple.
“Me either. But you know I don’t really care what they think about us. At least we’re not giving out scandals about dating new person every week,” Mika smirked with a short laugh and Tatsuya knew for sure she was thinking about her poor manager who definitely didn’t see the situation as calmly.
Besides having a really great time with Mika that evening, Tatsuya was relieved and happy to get home. No matter what Mika had said considering Ryo, Tatsuya still went unsure about whether it was the right decision to tell Ryo about his feelings. So far it seemed that it only had negative impact on what the two of them could have had again. Tatsuya would have honestly been more than happy to have just professional terms with Ryo. Now he wasn’t so sure if even that was possible between them.
Tatsuya fell asleep after a few hours, too exhausted to even think about anything any longer.
~.~.~.~
A week later Ryo reached the point where he could no longer stand the situation they were in with Tatsuya. No matter how much he thought of things, he couldn’t come to any final conclusion. There was one thing he knew for sure though and that’s what he was going to tell Tatsuya.
Ryo had been walking to Tatsuya’s place full of confidence and determined about how everything would turn out but the closer he got, the slower his pace got and he couldn’t help but feel nervous about Tatsuya’s reaction.
Before Ryo knew he would have been able to speak Tatsuya into anything. But that had been 5 years ago. Although they were still the same people, on some level they were different from before. More grown-up if nothing else and Ryo couldn’t be completely sure how Tatsuya would react to what he would be telling the older one.
The door to Tatsuya’s apartment was already in Ryo’s vision but for some reason the corridor seemed never ending and the door wasn’t getting any closer. That was until Ryo realized that he had stopped walking and was only standing still staring at the door.
Cursing silently his absent-mind behavior Ryo forced his legs to move again.
It still took a few more minutes from Ryo to be able to press the door bell and that also happened because Tatsuya’s neighbor came from the elevator and gave Ryo a weird look for just standing there in front of Tatsuya’s door.
Ryo was tapping his foot against the floor while waiting for Tatsuya to come and open the door. He would have probably left already from the nervousness if he hadn’t heard the faint ‘hai’ from inside the apartment indicating that Tatsuya indeed was at home.
“R-Ryo?” Tatsuya was clearly surprised to see him when he opened the door to greet whoever was looking for him.
“Can we talk?” Ryo asked without even greeting Tatsuya. He was already making his way inside before Tatsuya even invited him in or agreed onto talking with him. Ryo had, after all, already decided that he would tell Tatsuya what was on his mind.
“Is everything ok?” Tatsuya asked with a frown of worry on his forehead.
“No. Everything is not ok,” Ryo answered turning to face Tatsuya in the older one’s living room.
“What’s wrong? Did something happen?” Tatsuya started to question. “Is Mika alright?” Tatsuya asked already imagining the worst.
“Nothing like that,” Ryo shook his head and tugged his hands to his pockets feeling awkward and nervous. “I just… really need to tell you something,” Ryo told.
“Ok? W-what is it?” Tatsuya relaxed slightly but bit his lips.
“I… I’ve been thinking a lot and… everything’s a huge mess but one thing I know for sure and I can’t take this situation any longer,” Ryo started talking and by the look on Tatsuya’s face he could tell he was only making Tatsuya more confused with what he had said.
“What do you mean?” Tatsuya asked.
“I don’t know about love and whether that is what I feel for you or not. Mika tried to tell me the meaning and feelings behind the word love and even though I think and think I just… I don’t know for sure. It’s.. confusing and new to me and…” Ryo noticed he was babbling too much and decided it was for the best to just shut his mouth and collect his thoughts once more.
“I…” Tatsuya tried to say something but Ryo couldn’t let him to talk. Not yet.
“All I know is that I’ve hated you for nothing for 5 years and then I realized that if it had been anyone else, I would have forgiven them ages ago but… somehow you are special to me and I… I don’t want to keep going if you’re not by my side,” Ryo confessed. “That’s all that I know,” Ryo added yet when Tatsuya was only gaping at him.
“R-Ryo…” Tatsuya managed to pronounce the name but after that he seemed to not be able to continue.
“I know you probably aren’t expecting anything from me but… even though I can’t say I love you too, would you just give me a chance? Give us a chance?” Ryo pleaded trying to show his desperate feelings through his eyes.
He had been thinking so much since the day when Tatsuya confessed his feelings to him that he was already hurting all over because of it. And even though he had wanted to understand the feeling love and realize if what he felt towards Tatsuya was really love or something else, he hadn’t been able to do that.
In the end Ryo realized that he terribly wanted Tatsuya as part of his life again. The closer the better so he was willing to really try having a relationship with Tatsuya if that’s what Tatsuya wanted as Tatsuya was what really mattered.
“A-are you… are you sure?” Tatsuya was finally able to get something out of his mouth. He had never expected Ryo to come over his place telling those things to him. All he had ever expected was them to return to the professional terms and that’s all. But… Ryo was… serious?
Tatsuya’s heart had started to beat faster the moment Ryo had said he was special and that he wanted Tatsuya to be part of his life. It was rather clear from Ryo’s words that he loved him. Tatsuya knew Ryo well enough to be able to tell but he wasn’t sure if he wanted to get into a relationship when there was no guarantee that Ryo would ever come to understand the meaning of love.
But then again. Tatsuya loved challenges. If they started something with Ryo, it would be on Tatsuya’s responsibility to make Ryo realize what love really was about. Having dreamed about being with Ryo, Tatsuya was willing to at least try.
“About wanting you as part of my life? Yes. About having a relationship with you? I honestly have thought about it. And… kissing you definitely doesn’t make me feel disgusted but… extremely curious,” Ryo answered both questions Tatsuya had been thinking.
There was clearly something more than friendship there that Ryo felt towards Tatsuya. That he knew for sure. That was the reason why Tatsuya was about to agree onto giving it a try. After all, he didn’t really have anything to lose in trying.
“Ok,” Tatsuya said to voice out his agreement.
“O-Okay? To what?” Ryo got confused, slightly afraid to get excited too soon if Tatsuya wasn’t answering to the question he had asked.
“If you want to keep me in your life, you’d better not screw up,” Tatsuya shrugged like the issue wouldn’t have meant the world to him.
“I’ll try my best,” Ryo promised not able to stop the wide smile from spreading on his face. Tatsuya just had to smile himself at how happy Ryo looked at that very moment. He wasn’t really sure if he had seen Ryo expressing such happiness ever before.
tbc
~.~.~
How do you think things will turn out from here on?
Hope you enjoyed this chapter, I'll be back with more ^^
Drop a comment, ne? :)
Author: Sanzu
Pairing: Ryoda
Raiting: PG-15
Genre: AU (semi), romance, angst
Beta by: -
Disclaimer: I only own the plot
Summary: Music industry brings back together Ryo and Tatsuya who used to be best of friends 5 years ago until that horrible misunderstanding separated them
Warning: unbetad
Author Note: Relatively short chapters and includes an OC. Give it a try, ne ^^
Chapter 7
“W-w-w-what?” Ryo whispered in disbelieve. His best friend from five years ago did not just confess to him. It was something he had never expected. Well, actually Ryo had never really even thought about the word love before.
“Yeah. It might be pathetic and disgusting but I fell for you already five years ago,” Tatsuya told him looking at the floor and nibbling his own shirt with his fingers. “Back then I could keep the feelings to myself because you were my best friend. But now… now when we haven’t been friends for such a long time, I don’t think I’m able to handle being friends with you, knowing how much more I really want from you,” he continued.
“I…” Ryo knew he had to say something, he just had no idea what to say. Absolutely no idea. His mind was blank.
“You don’t have to say anything. We’ll have professional terms from now on,” Tatsuya tried and smiled at Ryo in encouraging way. He could see there was nothing Ryo knew to say about the situation and he himself too wanted to get out of it.
“I have to… think about this,” Ryo ended up saying before he slowly walked to the front door, putting his shoes on and exited the apartment.
Tatsuya looked after him with mixed emotions. He was happy Ryo didn’t hate him anymore and knew about his feelings. After five years, he had managed to confess to Ryo. But then again, he was sad because he was yearning for Ryo to be around him. He missed those times when they were close and would share everything with each other.
Ryo had been the first person Tatsuya had ever trusted and so Ryo was the first person he ever told about his family and other things. He had always been the mystery guy, the one whose past was unknown to everyone. Ryo had been the first one to get to see what was going on after his school days and what had happened in the past.
At the same time Ryo got out of the building and found the car still there and Mika sitting behind the wheel, clearly waiting for something. Ryo walked to the car, sat on the passenger seat without a word. Mika studied him for a while but seemed to realize Ryo didn’t want to talk and started the car and drove away from Tatsuya’s place.
They stayed quiet during the whole ride and Ryo only said soft ‘bye’ before exiting the car when Mika parked it in front of the building where Ryo lived.
Mika, watching Ryo go to his own apartment, decided to drive home and call Tatsuya to ask what had happened. Maybe she could help them with something further.
****----****
For the next few days, Cosmos managed to have their rehearsals normally, though Ryo was clearly somewhere else during their breaks. Somehow he managed to push his thoughts aside while playing, so the others let him be for the time.
Tatsuya returned to work after staying home for three days. He was able to dance, not with all his might but enough to practice the dance steps and ignored the rest of the leave his manager had managed to get him.
Mika had managed to have a good talk with Tatsuya about the talk he and Ryo had had and knew pretty much every detail of the talk. That is why she didn’t go to Ryo again to talk and stopped the other guys from going to him either. She knew it was something Ryo needed to think over on his own without someone else interrupting him.
After Tatsuya saw Ryo’s state during breaks he never left Mika in peace again but kept asking if Ryo was alright and ate and slept normally. Otherwise Tatsuya stayed as far away from Ryo as possible, the reason being that his presence would probably just confuse Ryo more.
It was normal evening for Mika after work. She was making hot chocolate to have her relaxing time before getting ready to go to sleep. That was when her doorbell rang. She looked in the direction of the door before abandoning the unfinished hot chocolate and went to open the door.
“Ryo?” Mika was surprised to see her band mate behind the door. Ryo was slightly wet from the rain that had started outside without Mika noticing it.
“Can I come in?” Ryo asked and Mika immediately made room for Ryo to get inside the warm house. She left Ryo to take of his shoes while she went around the get a few towels to get Ryo dried up. She also managed to find a men’s T-shirt from her wardrobe. It was probably her father’s she had stolen before leaving home.
“Here. You can go to the bathroom to get dried up and change into this shirt”, Mika offered the towels and the shirt to Ryo who took them with a soft thank you and disappeared to the bathroom Mika pointed out for him.
Mika returned to the kitchen then to continue making the hot chocolate. Instead of making one only for herself she made one also for Ryo to get him warmed up better.
When Mika came to the living-room with two cups of hot chocolate, Ryo was just sitting down on the couch having changed his shirt. Mika gave Ryo the cup with a soft smile and sat down next to him.
“What is love?” Ryo asked after a small silence.
“Love is lots of things,” Mika answered. He felt rather relieved that Ryo came to talk to her about what was going on inside his head. She hoped to be able to help Ryo in the subject.
“I… never had anyone to show me what love really is like. My parents cheated on each other and were too busy with that to show any care to me or my sister. And my older sister brought different men home every week. I don’t want to believe that is what love is,” Ryo told Mika shortly. It was a subject they had never spoken about before. Ryo’s family.
“That’s not love. More like… lust and… being lost,” Mika nodded.
“Then how do I know if I love someone?” Ryo turned to face Mika showing the seriousness he was feeling.
“Usually people just… know they love someone,” Mika admitted. “But I guess… for you it’s different because it seems like no one has ever shown you what love really is about,” Mika continued.
“Yeah, so how can I know?” Ryo repeated the question.
“Think about what Tatsuya has done for you now and five years ago. That’s probably the only experience you have of real love,” Mika advised his band mate. It was actually rather hard to think what love really was. It was something that was there all around you with your family, your friends… but Ryo hadn’t really experienced any of that. How to explain love to him?
“I’ve tried to think that but… it still doesn’t give me the answer,” Ryo admitted. He started to look helpless already so Mika decided to do all she can to make Ryo understand.
“Love is when… you can’t stop thinking about someone. He’s always there, everything reminds you of him and you… want to do anything for that person to be happy,” Mika started to explain. “Of course there’s the lust part of love but... when you are able to put aside your own needs and give him what he needs, you really care for him,” Mika continued. Ryo listened the whole time like a good student trying to memorize everything Mika told him.
“Love is not only about taking whatever good things the other does for you. So when you are ready to forget about your own wants and needs now and then and think about what he wants and needs and give it to him… that’s what I believe is one sign that you love the person,” Mika nodded to her own words.
“Also, whenever something good or bad happens, he’s the person you want to call right away and share those things with. And even if the room is full of people, the one you love shines the brightest and is the only person you can really see. It’s like… all of a sudden your world is all about him. He becomes the center of your universe,” Mika continued on just bringing out all the things love meant for her.
A silence fell between them as Mika couldn’t come up with anything else to say. Ryo also looked like he could use a moment of thinking, trying to take notice of everything Mika had told him.
Mika observed her band mate while he tried to memorize everything and compare his own feelings to what Mika had told.
“I… I don’t know,” Ryo spoke up in the end. “I-I think that… I don’t know,” Ryo shook his head in despair.
Mika stood up and got next to Ryo to hug the other.
“Don’t make any rushed decision. Take your time to think it over. Tatsuya’s feelings aren’t going to change anytime soon. He has been loving you for 5 years already,” Mika encouraged Ryo who nodded liking the sound of having time to think everything over in peace and quiet.
Ryo left shortly after that to go home and think about everything in the silence of his apartment. Mika hoped Ryo could come to a decision soon. Even though he had said Tatsuya’s feelings wouldn’t change, it didn’t mean that he wouldn’t move on. That was something Mika had not wanted to bring out at that point. Ryo didn’t need any more stress.
*****…..*****
Ryo spent the next few days thinking over many things. The thoughts started from as early as he could remember, about how the life at his home was. It wasn’t a good environment for a child to grow in at all. That is why Ryo remembered never having a friend before high school.
He was already getting into trouble in elementary school. He remembered being in a many fights and always having some scar or bruise in some part of his body. His classmates had either been those who were too scared of him or those who fought against him.
They were thinking Ryo would be an easy case because of his small size but one time after another Ryo had proved them wrong.
In middle school he had formed his first gang with other kids who were willing to go against their parents and teachers and other adults. But most of them were from good families which made Ryo jealous of them. By that point his parents were long gone and Ryo had been the one to witness the final fight when both of his parents came clear they didn’t want to take Ryo with them. They didn’t talk about Ryo’s sister who was already almost 18 years old. She could handle herself, they said.
Ryo’s sister wasn’t happy either to have to take care of Ryo but she didn’t know where else to put Ryo. Ryo had never been close with his sister but now it seemed like they got along even worse. His sister kept complaining how she had to work so much to be able to get enough money to feed Ryo.
On first grade of high school Tatsuya transferred to same school with Ryo and Tatsuya was quickly made in to a new member of Ryo’s gang.
Somehow Ryo felt immediately connected with Tatsuya. It was like he could have sensed it from the other. They were somehow very similar. And so, when it turned out that Tatsuya was from a broken family as well, Ryo knew the reason for it.
Tatsuya became the first one Ryo had ever believed and trusted in and they were inseparable. They shared everything with each other, even though Tatsuya wasn’t the most talkative type all the times. Still, Ryo felt the best he had ever felt when he was with Tatsuya. Having a friend was such a great thing.
Thinking of the so-to-say betrayal of Tatsuya’s, Ryo had come to wonder if there had been some deeper feeling he hadn’t realized before. It was because the betrayal hurt so much, even after years. It was like he just couldn’t let go of it.
Having watched a few movies involving such a subject, Ryo had come to notice that people (at least in movies) were hurt the most by the people they loved romantically.
So the question was: had Ryo had romantic feelings for Tatsuya since the beginning? Or was he just reacting stronger because Tatsuya had been his first and last trusted person before the Cosmos members?
Ryo just got even more confused when thinking of the answer.
*********---------********
“Ryo’s been quiet,” Mika told Tatsuya when they were having dinner together after both of their schedules had ended. Tatsuya’s band was doing promotion and was actually gaining more popularity which only made his workload bigger. At the same time the same was happening to Cosmos.
“I’m sorry if it’s bothering your work. It’s kinda my fault,” Tatsuya lowered his head while apologizing. He had almost come to regret that he had told Ryo his real feelings. At that very moment it had seemed like a really good idea but after seeing what it did to Ryo, he wasn’t so sure any longer.
The younger one didn’t seem to be able to stay in a same room with Tatsuya for longer than five minutes at a time and the so called professional terms they were supposed to have were… well… in question as Ryo barely even looked into Tatsuya’s direction.
“You did what your heart told you to do. Don’t start with the regret thing. Ryo just needs some time to figure things out and he’ll return to how he used to be. I’m sure of it,” Mika told Tatsuya with a small convincing smile. “Besides, Ryo manages to do the work with his best ability. I even think he does his work better than before,” Mika added her smile turning into a grin.
“Oh…” Tatsuya lifted his head in surprise. He wasn’t sure what else to say to the subject. Mika just knew him too well.
“Anyways, have you heard about… you know?” Mika changed the subject suddenly but that is what she had been doing pretty often during the years Tatsuya had known her.
“Kuroda?” Tatsuya questioned to be sure they were talking about the same thing. “It seems like he will not be getting out anytime soon. He’s also being kept away from everyone else in the prison because of how he managed to speak those three into his businesses so easily,” Tatsuya told Mika what he had heard from his manager who had been in contact with the prison Kuroda was in. It was to make sure that Tatsuya would be safe from him in the future.
“That’s good. I don’t want to you to have to go through anything like that ever again even if I had to do something about it myself,” Mika had this small smile on her face but her tone was anything but friendly. The smile was for the paparazzi that had followed them all the way to the restaurant they were at.
Tatsuya didn’t have to even think about whether Mika meant every word she had said. Tatsuya was kind of afraid of that, though. He was rather sure Mika would even commit a terrible crime to keep Tatsuya safe from Kuroda.
“You’re getting scarier each day, you know,” Tatsuya ended up chuckling. He didn’t want Mika to do anything illegal but he could only be happy about having a friend who was ready to do anything for him. Besides Ryo he had never had a person like that. Not that he even would have given anyone a chance to be such a person to him.
“Good. People should be afraid of me,” Mika said with pride, though Tatsuya could tell it was partly done as a joke so Tatsuya laughed warm heartedly.
They kept eating and talking about anything and everything, taking their time with the food and even ordering dessert. Tatsuya wasn’t sure if there would be something about them dating on the magazines the next morning. Wouldn’t be the first time, though.
The paparazzi had been writing about the two of them more than once but each time both of them had told the press that they were just really close friends. Though Tatsuya had to admit Mika always made it sound more like a real truth than he did. She was natural as an idol in that way. Somehow she always knew what words to choose even though Japanese wasn’t her mother tongue.
Simply but; everything seemed to be simple and easy for Mika, like it came naturally. The fake smile she had to put on, the clothes she had to wear even though she felt very uncomfortable in them to the way she interacted with media and other important people to the entertainment business.
Tatsuya had witnessed how Mika had charmed a man who was known as foreigner hater in mere 30 minutes and had managed to get a job that gave Cosmos a lot more popularity.
They paid and left the restaurant. The paparazzi wasn’t trying to take the pictures in secret which is exactly why Mika decided to give the camera a beautiful smile and a wave before they got in to a taxi together and drove off.
“I’m not sure how they will make that turn out on a paper,” Tatsuya commented looking behind them to see the paparazzi gathering to see who had the best picture of the couple.
“Me either. But you know I don’t really care what they think about us. At least we’re not giving out scandals about dating new person every week,” Mika smirked with a short laugh and Tatsuya knew for sure she was thinking about her poor manager who definitely didn’t see the situation as calmly.
Besides having a really great time with Mika that evening, Tatsuya was relieved and happy to get home. No matter what Mika had said considering Ryo, Tatsuya still went unsure about whether it was the right decision to tell Ryo about his feelings. So far it seemed that it only had negative impact on what the two of them could have had again. Tatsuya would have honestly been more than happy to have just professional terms with Ryo. Now he wasn’t so sure if even that was possible between them.
Tatsuya fell asleep after a few hours, too exhausted to even think about anything any longer.
~.~.~.~
A week later Ryo reached the point where he could no longer stand the situation they were in with Tatsuya. No matter how much he thought of things, he couldn’t come to any final conclusion. There was one thing he knew for sure though and that’s what he was going to tell Tatsuya.
Ryo had been walking to Tatsuya’s place full of confidence and determined about how everything would turn out but the closer he got, the slower his pace got and he couldn’t help but feel nervous about Tatsuya’s reaction.
Before Ryo knew he would have been able to speak Tatsuya into anything. But that had been 5 years ago. Although they were still the same people, on some level they were different from before. More grown-up if nothing else and Ryo couldn’t be completely sure how Tatsuya would react to what he would be telling the older one.
The door to Tatsuya’s apartment was already in Ryo’s vision but for some reason the corridor seemed never ending and the door wasn’t getting any closer. That was until Ryo realized that he had stopped walking and was only standing still staring at the door.
Cursing silently his absent-mind behavior Ryo forced his legs to move again.
It still took a few more minutes from Ryo to be able to press the door bell and that also happened because Tatsuya’s neighbor came from the elevator and gave Ryo a weird look for just standing there in front of Tatsuya’s door.
Ryo was tapping his foot against the floor while waiting for Tatsuya to come and open the door. He would have probably left already from the nervousness if he hadn’t heard the faint ‘hai’ from inside the apartment indicating that Tatsuya indeed was at home.
“R-Ryo?” Tatsuya was clearly surprised to see him when he opened the door to greet whoever was looking for him.
“Can we talk?” Ryo asked without even greeting Tatsuya. He was already making his way inside before Tatsuya even invited him in or agreed onto talking with him. Ryo had, after all, already decided that he would tell Tatsuya what was on his mind.
“Is everything ok?” Tatsuya asked with a frown of worry on his forehead.
“No. Everything is not ok,” Ryo answered turning to face Tatsuya in the older one’s living room.
“What’s wrong? Did something happen?” Tatsuya started to question. “Is Mika alright?” Tatsuya asked already imagining the worst.
“Nothing like that,” Ryo shook his head and tugged his hands to his pockets feeling awkward and nervous. “I just… really need to tell you something,” Ryo told.
“Ok? W-what is it?” Tatsuya relaxed slightly but bit his lips.
“I… I’ve been thinking a lot and… everything’s a huge mess but one thing I know for sure and I can’t take this situation any longer,” Ryo started talking and by the look on Tatsuya’s face he could tell he was only making Tatsuya more confused with what he had said.
“What do you mean?” Tatsuya asked.
“I don’t know about love and whether that is what I feel for you or not. Mika tried to tell me the meaning and feelings behind the word love and even though I think and think I just… I don’t know for sure. It’s.. confusing and new to me and…” Ryo noticed he was babbling too much and decided it was for the best to just shut his mouth and collect his thoughts once more.
“I…” Tatsuya tried to say something but Ryo couldn’t let him to talk. Not yet.
“All I know is that I’ve hated you for nothing for 5 years and then I realized that if it had been anyone else, I would have forgiven them ages ago but… somehow you are special to me and I… I don’t want to keep going if you’re not by my side,” Ryo confessed. “That’s all that I know,” Ryo added yet when Tatsuya was only gaping at him.
“R-Ryo…” Tatsuya managed to pronounce the name but after that he seemed to not be able to continue.
“I know you probably aren’t expecting anything from me but… even though I can’t say I love you too, would you just give me a chance? Give us a chance?” Ryo pleaded trying to show his desperate feelings through his eyes.
He had been thinking so much since the day when Tatsuya confessed his feelings to him that he was already hurting all over because of it. And even though he had wanted to understand the feeling love and realize if what he felt towards Tatsuya was really love or something else, he hadn’t been able to do that.
In the end Ryo realized that he terribly wanted Tatsuya as part of his life again. The closer the better so he was willing to really try having a relationship with Tatsuya if that’s what Tatsuya wanted as Tatsuya was what really mattered.
“A-are you… are you sure?” Tatsuya was finally able to get something out of his mouth. He had never expected Ryo to come over his place telling those things to him. All he had ever expected was them to return to the professional terms and that’s all. But… Ryo was… serious?
Tatsuya’s heart had started to beat faster the moment Ryo had said he was special and that he wanted Tatsuya to be part of his life. It was rather clear from Ryo’s words that he loved him. Tatsuya knew Ryo well enough to be able to tell but he wasn’t sure if he wanted to get into a relationship when there was no guarantee that Ryo would ever come to understand the meaning of love.
But then again. Tatsuya loved challenges. If they started something with Ryo, it would be on Tatsuya’s responsibility to make Ryo realize what love really was about. Having dreamed about being with Ryo, Tatsuya was willing to at least try.
“About wanting you as part of my life? Yes. About having a relationship with you? I honestly have thought about it. And… kissing you definitely doesn’t make me feel disgusted but… extremely curious,” Ryo answered both questions Tatsuya had been thinking.
There was clearly something more than friendship there that Ryo felt towards Tatsuya. That he knew for sure. That was the reason why Tatsuya was about to agree onto giving it a try. After all, he didn’t really have anything to lose in trying.
“Ok,” Tatsuya said to voice out his agreement.
“O-Okay? To what?” Ryo got confused, slightly afraid to get excited too soon if Tatsuya wasn’t answering to the question he had asked.
“If you want to keep me in your life, you’d better not screw up,” Tatsuya shrugged like the issue wouldn’t have meant the world to him.
“I’ll try my best,” Ryo promised not able to stop the wide smile from spreading on his face. Tatsuya just had to smile himself at how happy Ryo looked at that very moment. He wasn’t really sure if he had seen Ryo expressing such happiness ever before.
tbc
~.~.~
How do you think things will turn out from here on?
Hope you enjoyed this chapter, I'll be back with more ^^
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