(no subject)
...I'm sleep deprived. I haven't been able to sleep well in over a year...The last time I remember waking up alone and being refreshed was...
It was last school year, about...Novermber? Somewhere around there. I woke up one morning and didn't stretch. Didn't even move. I just lied there and I watched the sun move through my window. It was strange, watching the golden ray creep up the bed. I think it's mainly because the room was so dark and it contrasted so well...And as I was laying there, watching the sun, I just smiled...At that point, I was in a spiral of depression because I couldn't have what I wanted and I fought for something I knew I shouldn't...but that morning I felt like everything would be okay. Like I was 100% gold, that when that light hit me, I'd just kinda blend in with it. I felt good, safe...I haven't slept a full night like that since...
...A little over a year ago, I won. I won in a very corny, '50s kinda way...But, you know, it doesn't seem to matter now...
Every year, before this one, I have seperated myself from the group I was with, mainly due to the summer, and ended up finding a new one for a few months and moving on. I've never been close with anyone, except for Josh. Infact, until a little less than a year ago, family and Josh were the only constants. One's changed, the other is Josh...But this year, my victory kept me with a group I stopped being a part of that summer...It was during that summer that my victory changed and I was brushed aside...just like very other summer. Just like every other group...
I've held on with all my life for the past few months...yet it always seems easier to be brushed aside. I know this isn't everyone, so no saying "not me" eh?. Anyways, for the most part I try to be resonable. I pout, and I whine, but I always give in. I'm tired of giving in. I'm tired of being brushed off, forgotten and given an "I know. I'm sorry. I'll try harder next time." But when the next time comes, I get a "I know I screwed up. I'm sorry. I'll try harder next time."
...How many next times is too much? When does it happen when too far is reached and that line crossed? But...I guess it's until you run out of chalk, eh? So pity the fool who owns a chalk mine.
Then again, you never know when you'll wake up to a ray of sun creeping up your bed, eh?