there's always a girl in distress
"There isn't a way things should be. There's just what happens, and what we do."
- Terry Pratchett, Hat Full of Sky
So I thought maybe I could just skip along the surface and not fall in and maybe I'd become one of those people full of denial, cold heart wrapped in indifference. Except (you already knew this) it doesn't work like that. And those people are miserable, anyway.
And so the only way out is through and through sucks, but I'm already in it, so I may as well keep going, right? Same old amazing revelation, with a little less shine each time, but just as true as before.
What's the deal with my depression anyway? Why does it have to shift about so much? Why can't I pin it down and draw its outline? Why can't the edges be revealed? It just keeps changing. Some things get easier, some things get harder, some things that were never even things at all have sudden fallen fully formed into my world, stubbornly asserting themselves not just as things, but as Things to be Dealt With.
I'm pretty sure motherhood has broken me. Just typing that sentence brings tears to my eyes, so it must be true. I don't think I'm broken for good, and certainly not broken in ways I've been before, and I don't even think it's a bad thing, but it's there. Like my heart finally opened so wide it turned inside out and now nothing else fits.
I miss people. I miss being in touch. I miss feeling confident I can handle the feelings, and comfortable with the things I feel. I miss being brave.
Somebody shove me off the cliff already.
- Terry Pratchett, Hat Full of Sky
So I thought maybe I could just skip along the surface and not fall in and maybe I'd become one of those people full of denial, cold heart wrapped in indifference. Except (you already knew this) it doesn't work like that. And those people are miserable, anyway.
And so the only way out is through and through sucks, but I'm already in it, so I may as well keep going, right? Same old amazing revelation, with a little less shine each time, but just as true as before.
What's the deal with my depression anyway? Why does it have to shift about so much? Why can't I pin it down and draw its outline? Why can't the edges be revealed? It just keeps changing. Some things get easier, some things get harder, some things that were never even things at all have sudden fallen fully formed into my world, stubbornly asserting themselves not just as things, but as Things to be Dealt With.
I'm pretty sure motherhood has broken me. Just typing that sentence brings tears to my eyes, so it must be true. I don't think I'm broken for good, and certainly not broken in ways I've been before, and I don't even think it's a bad thing, but it's there. Like my heart finally opened so wide it turned inside out and now nothing else fits.
I miss people. I miss being in touch. I miss feeling confident I can handle the feelings, and comfortable with the things I feel. I miss being brave.
Somebody shove me off the cliff already.