You a college boy?

[sanspoof]

Even better for Valentine's Thing: nothing says love like a pretty cool straight-faced potential villain origin story.
Also, easily one of my favorite handles. There you go. Don't worry, pal, they'll fix you. They fix everything.

Comments

[mmcirvin]

That whole MetaFilter thread in which that nifty story appeared makes me worry that I'm not worrying enough about my future parenting skills. Apparently not messing up your kid in this way is supposed to be incredibly difficult. Most of the posters in the thread consider themselves damaged.

I don't normally think of this issue as tricky and delicate since I figure my own parents did pretty well rationing out the praise. They congratulated me for my successes and always told me they were proud of me, but tried not to imply that I was some sort of inherently superior being; maybe because of my upbringing, this strikes me as less some sort of delicate tightrope act than just common sense. I think I did get some sort of unbalanced praise from teachers and other people, but I doubt it did much permanent harm. I was my own harshest critic, though, a little too prone to get upset if I didn't take first place in a contest. I think I mostly grew out of it

[sanspoof]

Yeah, I wanted to write more about that post, but LJ was being recalcitrant.
Possibly once you've accepted that 'inborn awesomeness' is the only factor you need care about, it's easier to accept that it's most often found in males? Especially when you consider that men have Leadership Qualities, and I don't know whatall.
I suppose a connection might be made between an overspecialized society and one which is prone to saying 'Oh, I wouldn't know anything about _that_. I'm a [something].' (implying that they have no desire or need to ever try to do something that they're not already funnelled into.)
Is there a slider between impostor syndrome and slackerdom? Effort (for praise) -- No Effort (for lack of punishment) ?

As you say about self esteem, it is so true. I grew up with the idea of 'having low self esteem' being a joke; caring about one's self esteem levels was deeply lame. Totally culturally co-opted.
And I can only imagine that explicitly contradicting a child's view of itself with arbitrary praise must be pretty baffling.

[mmcirvin]

I do think, as some of those MeFi posters said, you can go too far in the other direction--the potshots at self-esteem are often apologias for a sort of toughen-them-up, sink-or-swim childrearing technique that I remember seeing in some of my friends' families and being grateful not to experience firsthand.

[twillis]

My plan is to just use a clicker. It worked pretty well with the dog.

Except I might end up with a kid I can't stop from chasing deer, but hey, it's probably good exercise.

[mmcirvin]

...And, God, I hate that hook on the cover of the New York Magazine issue: "Praise Is Dangerous". Some parents are going to see that and end up reinventing the Wheel.

Incidentally, this railing against the self-esteem culture goes back a long way; it's a favorite op-ed-columnist hobbyhorse. I remember reading a lot of it in the 1980s and asking my mother (who was a psychologist) about it. Her answer was always the same, that what they were protesting was not really self-esteem but a corruption of it--that the term referred to a confidence born of accurate assessment of one's abilities and efforts, not to narcissism, and that uncritical praise of kids who knew better wasn't a self-esteem-raising exercise at all.

[poupou]

I couldn't finish the article (ADD's acting up) but I feel the urge to throw my two cents in

[sanspoof]

Huh, interesting. So you didn't get meaningful praise either at home or at school?
(I wish I could remember what kind of praise I got as a kid; I have no idea. Although I do suspect it was more toward the 'smart' end of things rather than the 'capable,' given my usual don't-try attitude (which, I might point out, sucks.)).

[diaryarena]

I was trying to talk to lisa about this on the bus and when i got to "I know I'm one of those people who is both smart and lazy" this guy sitting near us cracked up so i stared at him until he got off the bus.

I'm not actually lazy though i grew up with dissociative PTSD and it kind of messes up relationships with people who encourage or discourage your behaviour. I remember in high school for the first three months or so I was sent to the principal's office EVERY CLASS EVERY DAY and then they just gave up and I could do whatever I wanted whenever I wanted.