for I shall be woefully elusive...
I'm going to regret posting this. But what matter does it serve, now? Everything is there, everything is simmering underneath; ultimately, i hold the power, and i have given no information that no one could have guessed or could use against me. It's just honestly, at this point, and a little bit of openness.
Some times it's hard to figure out where the line of secrecy stops. I've hold my own tongue and my own thoughts for so long that i'm not entirely sure how much i can say. I've always said that everybody deserves to have their secrets; so they can have their privacy, and because i've never found it admirable to reveal everything about ourselves. So where does the line of secrecy stop, by that definition?
i'm not looking so desperately for people to identify with, i don't think. while none of my aspects or problems are horribly unique, they are thrown together in a random mishmash of things that contradict each other more than they ought and are tied to tightly together to be seperated. I'm not searching for my own personal identity, for self-esteem or self-acceptance or self-empowerment, not to "figure out who i am" in the terms it's so commonly used in. Not trying to follow my heart or to logic through everything that i find. I'm not looking for deeper meaning, higher truths, the reasons of love or the meaning of life. i'm not looking to fit into a label or to stand out from anyone else. or to find my place in life. but where the bloody heck, out of curiousity, does that leave me?
i find more and more lately that i ask these questions and simply resign myself to the fact that i don't know the answers. and i'm not sure if i can find them on my own.
which is no good, since no one can find them for me.
Ai a, liz, where the bloody heck are you? i don't know if i can find what it is that's wrong with me this time. what would you think of who i am? you'd be a good indicator in helping me decide what parts are to be accepted and what parts are to be furthered.
One thing that I think i need to learn was discussed in pilgrim's regress- it was how combatting sin by despising it was just fighting vice with one more vice and did not leave room for change. so i guess despising who i am isn't really helping anything, even if i don't have to like it. how do you change a thing like that, though, and why should i even bother?
Some times it's hard to figure out where the line of secrecy stops. I've hold my own tongue and my own thoughts for so long that i'm not entirely sure how much i can say. I've always said that everybody deserves to have their secrets; so they can have their privacy, and because i've never found it admirable to reveal everything about ourselves. So where does the line of secrecy stop, by that definition?
i'm not looking so desperately for people to identify with, i don't think. while none of my aspects or problems are horribly unique, they are thrown together in a random mishmash of things that contradict each other more than they ought and are tied to tightly together to be seperated. I'm not searching for my own personal identity, for self-esteem or self-acceptance or self-empowerment, not to "figure out who i am" in the terms it's so commonly used in. Not trying to follow my heart or to logic through everything that i find. I'm not looking for deeper meaning, higher truths, the reasons of love or the meaning of life. i'm not looking to fit into a label or to stand out from anyone else. or to find my place in life. but where the bloody heck, out of curiousity, does that leave me?
i find more and more lately that i ask these questions and simply resign myself to the fact that i don't know the answers. and i'm not sure if i can find them on my own.
which is no good, since no one can find them for me.
Ai a, liz, where the bloody heck are you? i don't know if i can find what it is that's wrong with me this time. what would you think of who i am? you'd be a good indicator in helping me decide what parts are to be accepted and what parts are to be furthered.
One thing that I think i need to learn was discussed in pilgrim's regress- it was how combatting sin by despising it was just fighting vice with one more vice and did not leave room for change. so i guess despising who i am isn't really helping anything, even if i don't have to like it. how do you change a thing like that, though, and why should i even bother?