My own little rain cloud.
I've discovered that I like the titles to my entries much more than I like the entries themselves. They used to be so happy... was i really that much more of a carefree person? I wonder if I really have been that affected since I started this journal... I honestly don't want to go back and read it. It's bitter and unpleasant, that's all... I wrote them thinking that one day there would be a time where I would want to go back and read them... hopefully, one day that will be true.
I don't even want to think about karate. My mom got her purple belt. she wasn't going to tell me, but....
I could've, you know that? I could've gotten it, I could've finished it. I was just as good as any of them. And they're already passing me up... already i become yet another has-been that is only going to be remembered with a sigh and a shake of the head and a comment about how i should've made it to the end. just like so many other people..
"I'm surprised at you, Wednesday. And I thought you were the one that would make it."
It doesn't really matter if I have a reason or not.. I've let them down again... (and here's the part where kyle would be indignant and yelling at me; telling me how how it's for my own good, i don't owe them anything, it's only helping myself in the long run and not letting them down...) but there it is the Ayn Rand principle. You help others by being your absolute best. and they need help so badly... And I was perfectly capable of doing so... i could go back...
Blast it all.
I don't know what god of fate I have had tagging after me since birth- dangling fine opportunities before me as i'm chained to the wall. Poking and prodding when everything should've gone well and maniacally laughing, just to remind me that he's still there and still has control. To throw in my face one more time that strength of will means nothing and I can expect no good from life. The litany grows ever longer, of wrongs and pains and deaths and injuries. And I am the only one that they mean anything to. I am not expecting pity, I am not expecting my problems to affect anyone else... i'm not sure what i want.
life always seems to hurt so much more when there's no one around to understand you.
I don't even want to think about karate. My mom got her purple belt. she wasn't going to tell me, but....
I could've, you know that? I could've gotten it, I could've finished it. I was just as good as any of them. And they're already passing me up... already i become yet another has-been that is only going to be remembered with a sigh and a shake of the head and a comment about how i should've made it to the end. just like so many other people..
"I'm surprised at you, Wednesday. And I thought you were the one that would make it."
It doesn't really matter if I have a reason or not.. I've let them down again... (and here's the part where kyle would be indignant and yelling at me; telling me how how it's for my own good, i don't owe them anything, it's only helping myself in the long run and not letting them down...) but there it is the Ayn Rand principle. You help others by being your absolute best. and they need help so badly... And I was perfectly capable of doing so... i could go back...
Blast it all.
I don't know what god of fate I have had tagging after me since birth- dangling fine opportunities before me as i'm chained to the wall. Poking and prodding when everything should've gone well and maniacally laughing, just to remind me that he's still there and still has control. To throw in my face one more time that strength of will means nothing and I can expect no good from life. The litany grows ever longer, of wrongs and pains and deaths and injuries. And I am the only one that they mean anything to. I am not expecting pity, I am not expecting my problems to affect anyone else... i'm not sure what i want.
life always seems to hurt so much more when there's no one around to understand you.