Wee, Narcissism. But I spend so much energy loathing myself that a moment of glory won't hurt.
They're already planning my black belt test.
I was a bit apprehensive before class, admittedly, it's been a year and a half since I was taking class. I pulled out my notebook to study, which did not help the feeling, because the only time I ever used it was for studying for tests, and i did not realise but the stigma attached to it. I realised whenever I opened it, though, that despite a few tesho papers and lists, the majority of what I had were certificates, wrist bands from tournaments, newspaper write ups. I knew I did a lot, covered the whole local competition circuits. Knew my titles but they didn't mean anything to me at the time.
I still don't count them for a whole lot, but I found the newspaper article that they printed whenever we came back from Worlds in New Orleans. The small group of us- six? Me, my mother, michelle, with our medals and the small wall of trophies in front of us. They listed our USKA rankings for the year, and almost like one last side note, listing our world title that we won together. And it hit me for maybe only a second time, that I'm an internationally ranked martial artist. I don't plan on going back to tournaments to recclaim my titles, but still. It's saying something. Uni asked me for spectacular acheivements and travel for their book, and i thought, should I put that in? Because I don't know anything else I would list.
It makes it easier to go back to class after absence, knowing that I've performed in front of international judges before and claimed my due. The time off hasn't hurt me any. It only gave me more reason to come back.
Because it can hurt so much to do it, because everything else goes wrong, sometimes I forget that I'm actually good at this.
It went well, though. Some fell providence poked my old injury into hurting more than it has in weeks, slipping in and out of socket any time i moved, so I refused to move until class. Studied the sparring drills, made sure it everything wasn't at least as completely memorized as it was before, then at least I'd be able to perform it as soon as someone indicated specifics. I did not forget my katas, did not loose my stances. A little bit of the complete efficiency of contact snap lost a little bit, but that'll come back more with time and properly redirecting the injury. Sensei was watching me. He didn't show much at all, but neither did he looked surprised, and I take that as much as any compliment.
Josie, Michelle, Sarah, Jeremiah- their eyes passed over me the first instant, and then they would look back, blank, and then confused when they saw my gi. Joz swears I can still beat her up, even though she's a higher rank than me now; Sensei Nancy was delighted beyond belief, and said i still looked good. Michelle just shook her head a few seperate times, and said, "The contact queens are back."
Apparently Sensei Nancy pulled my mother aside after class, told her how happy she was, how proud, and- we can work around sparring. The general consensus seems to be- trite as it might sound, sparring or no they are lucky to have me as a part of that dojo. A year ago it would have made me blush; now I honour them as they honour me.
They'll let me win my blackbelt if I stay with them. I know they make special cases, for people who have injuries, disabilities. *One* of the reasons I had quit before was because I would never ask for that. I put forward no half-hearted attempt and ask for no special treatment. They're offering me conditions now, provided I want to work for them.
Maybe. Maybe. If. I'm still not going to do this fulltime, but I can do it as well as I ever could. Maybe I'll do it more over the summer. Maybe someday in the distant future I'll test for my blackbelt. I'm not going for testing purposes right now, I'm not going for a workout. I just want to fight. If, if I test for my blackbelt, I don't want to do it without the aggressor course. I want to prove myself completely and fully.
There's a long time to work for that, though. For now they're just offering me a way to get better without killing myself. I'll take it, for now. We'll see where it leads.
I was a bit apprehensive before class, admittedly, it's been a year and a half since I was taking class. I pulled out my notebook to study, which did not help the feeling, because the only time I ever used it was for studying for tests, and i did not realise but the stigma attached to it. I realised whenever I opened it, though, that despite a few tesho papers and lists, the majority of what I had were certificates, wrist bands from tournaments, newspaper write ups. I knew I did a lot, covered the whole local competition circuits. Knew my titles but they didn't mean anything to me at the time.
I still don't count them for a whole lot, but I found the newspaper article that they printed whenever we came back from Worlds in New Orleans. The small group of us- six? Me, my mother, michelle, with our medals and the small wall of trophies in front of us. They listed our USKA rankings for the year, and almost like one last side note, listing our world title that we won together. And it hit me for maybe only a second time, that I'm an internationally ranked martial artist. I don't plan on going back to tournaments to recclaim my titles, but still. It's saying something. Uni asked me for spectacular acheivements and travel for their book, and i thought, should I put that in? Because I don't know anything else I would list.
It makes it easier to go back to class after absence, knowing that I've performed in front of international judges before and claimed my due. The time off hasn't hurt me any. It only gave me more reason to come back.
Because it can hurt so much to do it, because everything else goes wrong, sometimes I forget that I'm actually good at this.
It went well, though. Some fell providence poked my old injury into hurting more than it has in weeks, slipping in and out of socket any time i moved, so I refused to move until class. Studied the sparring drills, made sure it everything wasn't at least as completely memorized as it was before, then at least I'd be able to perform it as soon as someone indicated specifics. I did not forget my katas, did not loose my stances. A little bit of the complete efficiency of contact snap lost a little bit, but that'll come back more with time and properly redirecting the injury. Sensei was watching me. He didn't show much at all, but neither did he looked surprised, and I take that as much as any compliment.
Josie, Michelle, Sarah, Jeremiah- their eyes passed over me the first instant, and then they would look back, blank, and then confused when they saw my gi. Joz swears I can still beat her up, even though she's a higher rank than me now; Sensei Nancy was delighted beyond belief, and said i still looked good. Michelle just shook her head a few seperate times, and said, "The contact queens are back."
Apparently Sensei Nancy pulled my mother aside after class, told her how happy she was, how proud, and- we can work around sparring. The general consensus seems to be- trite as it might sound, sparring or no they are lucky to have me as a part of that dojo. A year ago it would have made me blush; now I honour them as they honour me.
They'll let me win my blackbelt if I stay with them. I know they make special cases, for people who have injuries, disabilities. *One* of the reasons I had quit before was because I would never ask for that. I put forward no half-hearted attempt and ask for no special treatment. They're offering me conditions now, provided I want to work for them.
Maybe. Maybe. If. I'm still not going to do this fulltime, but I can do it as well as I ever could. Maybe I'll do it more over the summer. Maybe someday in the distant future I'll test for my blackbelt. I'm not going for testing purposes right now, I'm not going for a workout. I just want to fight. If, if I test for my blackbelt, I don't want to do it without the aggressor course. I want to prove myself completely and fully.
There's a long time to work for that, though. For now they're just offering me a way to get better without killing myself. I'll take it, for now. We'll see where it leads.