Jul 26, 2006 12:00
She was running through the trees, and I was pulling her aside. Again, as before, I placed my hand over her mouth and spoke only “Laura”. Then, as every time, I was violently ripped away.
I was supposed to enter into the dream (her dream) only once. And yet, I just kept re-visiting it, revisiting her.
I couldn’t help myself. She was just supposed to be the “dying leader”, a nameless actor on the stage, a warm body with a part to play. And my part in the whole cycle was to be a figure in her prophesies.
And yet there was just something about her eyes. Even as her body was failing her (because I could see the cancer slowly eating away at her, even if the humans couldn’t) her eyes still contained a steely determination. She was going to either beat this or go down fighting.
I wondered again, as I had so many times before, at the juxtaposition of fragility and strength that these humans exhibited. Why would God choose these flawed vessels as our creators? What possible purpose could it serve to intertwine our destiny with that of these mortals?
Intertwine … my body wrapped around hers, plunging myself deep inside
My head shot up, and I looked quickly around the cargo bay of the Geminon Traveler before I realized that I was alone.
~*~
I had probably entered the dream a good dozen times before it even occurred to me to alter its progression. Even thinking about this tantalizing possibility showed me just how badly this woman (and her fracking eyes) had bewitched me. To come this perilously close to blasphemy …
I shut my eyes and resolved to not enter into her dreams this night.
~*~
I managed to resist the temptation to visit her dreams for almost two nights. And even then, I told myself that I would not give into the temptation to touch her, kiss her, seduce her. One last time, and then I would allow myself to be captured so I could finish my role in this scene.
My good intentions lasted until I placed my hand on her soft lips to cover her mouth. The feeling of her lips under my hand brought the images of our bodies intertwined rushing to the front of my consciousness. And so, instead of allowing myself to become ripped away in rush of wind, I turned her around and kissed her.
I knew that this was not the will of God. Her dreams were true prophesies, and she was just acting out her role in the parts that we have all played out from the beginning of time. I should not interfere with that. I had done enough interfering by making her live the prophetic dreams over and over and over. And yet …
I desired her.
It was just that simple. It went beyond prophesies and God and destiny, past roles and prophets and dreams. I wanted her and I just had to try, to see, to tempt my fate.
I had not even thought that she might desire me as well.
As my lips met hers, my only thought was to touch that softness, to see if they felt as soft under my lips as they had under my hand. And they were, oh God, they were … I could feel her start against the tree, sense her stiffen briefly at the change in the dream. We had lived this dream together now over a dozen times, and any change would be a bit shocking. Regretfully, I moved to pull away, but before I could, she relaxed and began to kiss me in return. She deepened it, and we were both lost.
~*~
I watched her sleep, and treasured this moment. I knew that it would not last long. I knew that it was not love that had drawn us together, or at least not the soul-searing passion that the human poets spoke of. No, this was love of another kind. Our desires blended and we made each other whole for a time. And while my love may have been transformed by the encounter, I knew that she was just giving into a temporary desire.
I saw her eyes flutter and knew that she was going to awaken soon. Awaken, and forget. She was only a human and she had her part to play. God had blessed only Cylons with the gift of dream interaction, and that she was able join with me, however briefly, in dreams, was more than I had any right to expect. That she might actually be permitted to retain a memory of this night, our night … It was too much. God was gracious, God was love, but I had sinned. And this was my penance. This was the price for my transgression.
~*~
As I was being taken prisoner, allowing myself to become chained and treated as less than that which I was, only one thought entered my mind. I would get to see her. That one thought sustained me through the hours of interrogation. It gave me the strength to banter with Kara and even flirt with her a little. I needed to keep Kara off her guard enough so that I would see her before I was executed. I had to know for certain that she had forgotten. There was always the chance that maybe she might have some glimmering, some lingering remnant of a fragment of a memory. It was an insane hope, but it sustained me.
And as soon as I saw her, I saw with a shock that she did. Against all hope, against all reason, she retained that memory. But the second shock, the larger shock, was that it didn’t matter. Her face was lined with that steely determination that I loved, but it was not her determination to live. It was a determination to win at all costs. I saw my death written on her face long before she ever uttered the words.
My eyes met hers right before she hit the button to open the airlock, and immediately flicked away. I had to close them to shut out the coldness, the absolute nothingness that I found there. When the rush of oxygen venting out into space began, I welcomed it. Oblivion. Sweet oblivion. I hoped that Kara spoke true, that we were too far away from the Resurrection ship for my conscious to be downloaded. I had transgressed and this was the price that I had to pay. If God was merciful, I would only have to pay it once.
~*~
end
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