No it's not going to stop, so just...give up.
I always make things worse, I never know when to shut up.
I feel like I'm the cause of all of this. I feel like I'm the one pushing you away and you're just reacting.
Maybe I'm just sick of feeling worthless. Maybe I'm just sick of feeling dirty and cheap. Maybe I'm sick of feeling envious and hateful and stupid.
Why, why, why?
Why can't I be the girl that everyone is in love with? That everyone always wants to be around. That everyone wishes they could be with. That everyone thinks is beautiful and amazing and what makes this world so worthwhile. I'm not even like that to the man I care for most.
I'm nothing, and I might as well not exist. It wouldn't make any difference to anyone.
Despite me deluding myself, I've never really made a difference to anyone. If they think I helped them or did anything, it was really just themselves doing it. I can't control anything.
I often wonder if I died, who would come to my funeral. Who would want to speak? What would they say? Who would cry and who would pretend to cry because they felt obligated to? Would anyone be happy? Would anyone have regrets? Would inner love for me be revealed...love that no one dared show me while I was living and needed it most?
It's pathetic but after all these years I'm still looking for validation from other people. I'm still looking to negate all of the horrible things that were said with positive things. I wonder if that could ever be done. If there are enough people or enough lifetimes for that. If I could ever truly believe in myself or believe that other people would do anything to make me happy. That I could be that important to someone. That, like in some sweet teen movie, someone out there used to long for me when I was unaware of it.
What happened to people beating down the door with sticks to be with me? Why is it that no one will fight for me, and that I'm too timid to fight for myself? Or is it that I've lost the energy to fight for myself anymore, and for once I want to feel like there are others behind me, or others who will pick me up when I fall. Apparently I am not worth fighting for. I dig unnecessary trenches and I make those around me dig their own. If love is a battlefield then where are my reinforcements? I feel like I'm fighting this game with a slingshot and a toy gun.
I feel like I'm the cause of all of this. I feel like I'm the one pushing you away and you're just reacting.
Maybe I'm just sick of feeling worthless. Maybe I'm just sick of feeling dirty and cheap. Maybe I'm sick of feeling envious and hateful and stupid.
Why, why, why?
Why can't I be the girl that everyone is in love with? That everyone always wants to be around. That everyone wishes they could be with. That everyone thinks is beautiful and amazing and what makes this world so worthwhile. I'm not even like that to the man I care for most.
I'm nothing, and I might as well not exist. It wouldn't make any difference to anyone.
Despite me deluding myself, I've never really made a difference to anyone. If they think I helped them or did anything, it was really just themselves doing it. I can't control anything.
I often wonder if I died, who would come to my funeral. Who would want to speak? What would they say? Who would cry and who would pretend to cry because they felt obligated to? Would anyone be happy? Would anyone have regrets? Would inner love for me be revealed...love that no one dared show me while I was living and needed it most?
It's pathetic but after all these years I'm still looking for validation from other people. I'm still looking to negate all of the horrible things that were said with positive things. I wonder if that could ever be done. If there are enough people or enough lifetimes for that. If I could ever truly believe in myself or believe that other people would do anything to make me happy. That I could be that important to someone. That, like in some sweet teen movie, someone out there used to long for me when I was unaware of it.
What happened to people beating down the door with sticks to be with me? Why is it that no one will fight for me, and that I'm too timid to fight for myself? Or is it that I've lost the energy to fight for myself anymore, and for once I want to feel like there are others behind me, or others who will pick me up when I fall. Apparently I am not worth fighting for. I dig unnecessary trenches and I make those around me dig their own. If love is a battlefield then where are my reinforcements? I feel like I'm fighting this game with a slingshot and a toy gun.