and when we're halfway there / tell me it's the top
I am in an inexplicably good mood. It's some kind of combination of feeling good about gender stuff, reconciled at least about job stuff, and generally, perhaps, a determination to shake off the gloom. There sure is a lot going on.
* E unexpectedly got a gig doing market research interviews in Puerto Vallarta! This was via her friend Jenny, who also does market research and is kind of a wild child. They somehow scored what is basically a five day all expenses paid vacation with a day or two of work in there somewhere. This came out of the blue and E has never done anything like this before. She really needs some bubbly positivity in her life so this is really perfect for her.
* Last night we met up with a couple we met at last year's Keystone Conference who stayed together through one spouse's transition. They were extremely nice and you pick up these small nuggets of wisdom hearing how people got through that. E is feeling about as good as all of this as she ever has, which means that I am too.
* Does my mild euphoria make me daydream about coming out more broadly? It does. Some of this is just squaring my mind around the reality that yes, I am different, and no, it's not going away, and it is time... past time... for me to begin reframing life around this truth.
* Another element is that I guess the work shitshow has stripped away any idealism or comfort about my so-called career. Clarity can be good and I finally get a chance to use all of my gallows humor. We went to a big gala-type opening for the course on Thursday that had been scheduled before the catastrophe, and my colleague complimented me on how I looked, and I said, "they told us to dress for a funeral, right?" This may not endear me to everyone but fuck it, I will not put lipstick on this pig.
I need to get out of this situation. In the meantime it will be a hard couple of months eating shit from morning until night from people who already want to feel superior to me, in the name of covering up my bosses' unbelievable incompetence. But in all honesty that's been my job for a very long time now and, well, there is some security in that.
* Let's face it, though, I would be lost without the Zoloft.