(no subject)
This LJ is long overdue for my peace of mind. I am not perfect. I don't know all of the answers. Half the time I ramble about shit. But I try. I try damn hard. I am always trying to help people when I can. Damn it. I know I can't solve anyone's life dilemmas and I am sick of trying. All the happens is that someone gets offended because they either miss the poitn or I do. But let me put it to you this way....maybe people should be a little greatful. Who did I have when I was growing up? No one. Not a fucking person helped me through my mother's nervous breakdown. And I know people are reading this and they don't care. Well too bad. Don't read it then. My mother had a nervous breakdown when I was 8 and lasted til tenth grade in high school. Do you know what kind of childhood I had? Not much of one. We had nothing. No money no food and all of the kids in school made fun of me. Yeah that sucked. But I dealt with it. You can live with poverty and survive. But can you live without your mother's guideness? can you really grow up at the age of eigth because you had no other alternative? Imagine experiencing that and then having no one to explain to you why mommy had to go away. No one to explain to you why everything was gone. No one to talk me through the nights I cried. No one to teach me about the good parts of life. All the while you know what I thought about? Helping my family. Helping my brother who was younger than me and my father who had just as much to deal with. I HAD NO ONE. Every pain I had to go through was by myself for a long time and I was jsut a child. Then I was expected to know how to react to other people, especially after they made life worse. Now this is all venting. Sometimes it comes out and I wasn't going to let it stay in for the sake of peopel thinking I am a whine ass. But the point is this....I try so damn hard to help people. to be the one person that will listen who will try to solve things for them. I don't want to see anyone go through that. I am through with it. I have been alone my whole life with all kinds of mental scaring that may never be healed. Pain that comes back no matter how hard I try and what does that make me think? I want to live. I am going to work as hard as I can to be something. I have a purpose in life. Who knows what it is? But I refuse to die someday wishing that I had appreciated life. Life is a gift. No matter how hard it is. So friends ditch me. At least I have friends now to ditch me. So guys are afraid of me. But that is ok because someday someone will love me. So my job sucks and I am scared of the unknown. Is that any reason to give up? NO. Because I never once thought of suicide when my life was in hell. I kept going on even when I didn;t have a reason to. No matter what happens in my life, it is worth living. And fuck all of that depression shit. I love myself. There its said. I am never going to say I hate myself again because it was myself that was always there for me when no one else was. And I am going to make a difference in this world. For all the years of sadness I faced... i am dedicated to making tha many people happy. The only reason for this is because I am alive and I love that.
Maria you are an important person. People care about you now. You care about others. You have accomplished more than you ever thought possible. You are a great person no matter what. Forget about Ami. Forget about Steve. Live your life.
Maria you are an important person. People care about you now. You care about others. You have accomplished more than you ever thought possible. You are a great person no matter what. Forget about Ami. Forget about Steve. Live your life.