Blerg Blerg Blerg
So, in the past two days I've gained two pounds and this is incredibly frustrating and infuriating, since I've been walking, running, drinking water, and eating less than six-hundred calories a day. This should not be happening, but it is. Either six-hundred calories is too many (which it is), or I'm going to get my period this month. I hate it when that happens-- usually only four times a year or so, which is probably not good considering I am not (nor have I ever been) on any sort of hormone messer-uppers/ birth control pill-type thingies. When it does, I gain weight and it's awful. Also, really, really unfair. And a sign that I've failed.
Also, I feel really really really full and really really really really fat. I look at all these other girls around me, and there is no way that they could possibly weigh as much as I do. And it makes me feel like an enormous (literally) failure. I see all my flaws, like how thick my thighs are and the way that my stomach isn't perfectly flat and that my arms are kind of soft and I hate all of this. I want it gone, I want it burned out from the inside. I did try to purge in the shower this morning, but I didn't right away and I didn't keep trying after the first failed attempt because the pressure to my already throbbing head was too much and i was in one of those awfully self-destructive "fuck it" sort of moods. Still am, actually.
I want to be a skeleton, eaten away from the inside out. I don't care how disgusting that sounds. I don't deserve food, I eat way too much of it, and no amount of food is small enough. I have to start drinking water whenever I feel even the faintest desire for food, have to start working out whenever I think about food at all. I have to stop eating certain things, things that will never make me look the way I want to look. Bananas and plums aren't in season anymore, and I think apples and oranges are better for you, anyway. In any case, they're coming into season now (particularly apples), so that will become breakfast. I'm going to start carrying around a lunch bag, just so that I can have cold, fat-free yogurt for lunch. That's sixty or eighty calories, depending on the brand. So that means I'll have had 180 calories by dinner. Which means that technically I could have 420 more, but that would be insane. What I'll probably start eating is a rotation of Lean Cuisines... The schedule will look like this:
Monday: salmon and orzo (220?)
Tuesday: roast chicken (180?)
Wednesday: rice and beans (270)
Thursday: canneloni (240)
Friday: salmon and orzo (220?)
Saturday: samosa (260)
Sunday: turkey & vegetables (150)
What's kind of sad is that I did that from memory... I don't know why I memorize calorie counts (and incorrectly, at that), but I do.
I don't know why I'm even bothering with the plan, writing it out like this. I'm just freaking myself out. I don't know what I'm saying, because my heat hurts too badly. I don't know what I want anymore, except to disappear.
Also, I feel really really really full and really really really really fat. I look at all these other girls around me, and there is no way that they could possibly weigh as much as I do. And it makes me feel like an enormous (literally) failure. I see all my flaws, like how thick my thighs are and the way that my stomach isn't perfectly flat and that my arms are kind of soft and I hate all of this. I want it gone, I want it burned out from the inside. I did try to purge in the shower this morning, but I didn't right away and I didn't keep trying after the first failed attempt because the pressure to my already throbbing head was too much and i was in one of those awfully self-destructive "fuck it" sort of moods. Still am, actually.
I want to be a skeleton, eaten away from the inside out. I don't care how disgusting that sounds. I don't deserve food, I eat way too much of it, and no amount of food is small enough. I have to start drinking water whenever I feel even the faintest desire for food, have to start working out whenever I think about food at all. I have to stop eating certain things, things that will never make me look the way I want to look. Bananas and plums aren't in season anymore, and I think apples and oranges are better for you, anyway. In any case, they're coming into season now (particularly apples), so that will become breakfast. I'm going to start carrying around a lunch bag, just so that I can have cold, fat-free yogurt for lunch. That's sixty or eighty calories, depending on the brand. So that means I'll have had 180 calories by dinner. Which means that technically I could have 420 more, but that would be insane. What I'll probably start eating is a rotation of Lean Cuisines... The schedule will look like this:
Monday: salmon and orzo (220?)
Tuesday: roast chicken (180?)
Wednesday: rice and beans (270)
Thursday: canneloni (240)
Friday: salmon and orzo (220?)
Saturday: samosa (260)
Sunday: turkey & vegetables (150)
What's kind of sad is that I did that from memory... I don't know why I memorize calorie counts (and incorrectly, at that), but I do.
I don't know why I'm even bothering with the plan, writing it out like this. I'm just freaking myself out. I don't know what I'm saying, because my heat hurts too badly. I don't know what I want anymore, except to disappear.