(no subject)
Today's Food:
-1 plum (30)
-1 chocolate brownie z-bar (120)
-part of 1 chicken mirabella frozen dinner (<200)
-strawberries (probably the difference with the mirabella I didn't eat)
Total: 350
Um, weird. That's not enough food. I think I'm sane enough to know that. Still icky-full and guilty, though.
I hate my dad. I've hated him since I was eleven; and even before then, every time we fought, I told myself not to like him or trust him anymore. It took me eleven years to remember when we weren't fighting. At twelve, I decided that because of my father, I could never have kids. Because one of the things I hate most about my father is how similar we are. We're both fundamentally violent, selfish, manipulative jackasses. I know that if I were ever to have kids, then I'd be no better than him, and I would never want that for any innocent child. I'm damged goods. Not to mention the fact that when I see my own qualities (and my fathers') reflected in someone else, I'm attracted to them. Bender in The Breakfast Club was never more lovable or attractive than when he was bearing his cigar burns and daddy issues. Sawyer (from LOST) is another prime example.
There was one person who could possibly have negated that. I was thirteen when we met, and I was still capable of recognizing how violent and dangerous he was. I outted him instantly as an arrogant, abrasive jackass; but what's really significant is that he outted me as the misanthrope I am. "You think I'm cocky," he told me almost a year later, "But you think you're weak. So it's kind of like everyone's the bad guy, huh?"
But that worked. I knew he had issues; I also knew that for myself, I didn't mind getting slapped around. That sounds like a really awful thing to say, but it's true. Somehow, he could act like an abusive misogynist 80% of the time; the other 20% of the time that he was charismatic and charming and genuinely dedicated more than made up for it. In my mind, we cancelled out our own issues.
This is going nowhere. I should probably also mention that he was my second cousin... so while I was attracted to him, nothing did (or ever would) happen. Even I'm not that deeply troubled.
I thought I had some important conclusion to draw from all this, but I really don't.
Thank you and good night :)
-1 plum (30)
-1 chocolate brownie z-bar (120)
-part of 1 chicken mirabella frozen dinner (<200)
-strawberries (probably the difference with the mirabella I didn't eat)
Total: 350
Um, weird. That's not enough food. I think I'm sane enough to know that. Still icky-full and guilty, though.
I hate my dad. I've hated him since I was eleven; and even before then, every time we fought, I told myself not to like him or trust him anymore. It took me eleven years to remember when we weren't fighting. At twelve, I decided that because of my father, I could never have kids. Because one of the things I hate most about my father is how similar we are. We're both fundamentally violent, selfish, manipulative jackasses. I know that if I were ever to have kids, then I'd be no better than him, and I would never want that for any innocent child. I'm damged goods. Not to mention the fact that when I see my own qualities (and my fathers') reflected in someone else, I'm attracted to them. Bender in The Breakfast Club was never more lovable or attractive than when he was bearing his cigar burns and daddy issues. Sawyer (from LOST) is another prime example.
There was one person who could possibly have negated that. I was thirteen when we met, and I was still capable of recognizing how violent and dangerous he was. I outted him instantly as an arrogant, abrasive jackass; but what's really significant is that he outted me as the misanthrope I am. "You think I'm cocky," he told me almost a year later, "But you think you're weak. So it's kind of like everyone's the bad guy, huh?"
But that worked. I knew he had issues; I also knew that for myself, I didn't mind getting slapped around. That sounds like a really awful thing to say, but it's true. Somehow, he could act like an abusive misogynist 80% of the time; the other 20% of the time that he was charismatic and charming and genuinely dedicated more than made up for it. In my mind, we cancelled out our own issues.
This is going nowhere. I should probably also mention that he was my second cousin... so while I was attracted to him, nothing did (or ever would) happen. Even I'm not that deeply troubled.
I thought I had some important conclusion to draw from all this, but I really don't.
Thank you and good night :)