You know, why don't you be honest and tell me you don't need me anymore?
Then it wouldn't hurt as much as reading all this does. I'll be ashamed later for writing this but it's so funny it makes me cry, the way you talk with Janna is the way we used to talk.
You know what I feel? I feel thrown away. It's no use. No matter how many times you tell me I'm like family to you, the bad feeling returns. Why do you have the time to travel everywhere and invite everyone but never once said you'd visit me sometime. You told me so last October, you'd come and visit me. If you don't intend to do so anymore, let me know so I'll stop hoping.
I'm slowly giving up, Rosanna. I'm so tired of running after you, after waiting for just a single phone call done without me asking you to call. I understand you're busy. I understand you have many people to see. But I feel like there isn't even one single minute in your life you have to spare for me. That hurts. That really hurts.
You told me, you don't write to me because I haven't posted anything in a while. What about now? You don't answer my mails. You just answer to Janna. That hurts. Again.
I don't even know anymore what I mean to you. And I hate the fact that I have to write all this. But if I don't, I'll give up. I'll break. I'll stop believing into you. I don't want that to happen. The mere thought pushes tears behind my eyelids. My heart thunders in my chest and my throat is closed up. I'd never thought it would come to this but it did. I don't feel like I am your friend anymore, Rosanna. There is just ... nothing .. coming from your side. I might be clingy, unmature and stupid but even I can't keep on hanging onto something I don't know if it's even wanted. If you want me out of your life just tell me so. If you can't tell me what THE HELL is going on I'll write myself out of yours. Not because I don't love you because I love you very much. But the whole situatione right now makes me sick. Depressed. I can't remember the last time I thought about you and didn't start crying. That isn't what a friendship should be. Call me too clingy, too naive, too pushing but I thought our friendship deeper than that. That's why it hurts so much.
I have to know the truth, please, for once speak what you really think and not just what you think I can take. I'm not stupid. I don't know why this bad feeling returns every single time. But there has to be a reason.
Loosing you will be the hardest thing in my life but as long as I'm feeling like I already am losing you, I have to do something. Am I too uncultured for you? Why do you have the time to fly to Japan but don't even answer to my comment if you'd like to visit me? That really reminds me a lot of Anna and I can't help but wonder if I have become her now. Because if I did, just tell me okay? I'll stop annoying you then.
And yes, I would have liked to tell you all this on the phone but as always, I couldn't reach you.
Now it's your turn. I won't say anything anymore until you answer me.
First of all, I'd rather not go through an emotional swamp here on lj. Our mutual friends don't need to be dragged in and made to worry themselves out about us. This is something we actually should TALK about, on the phone at least. You're right, I'm not home enough, not even right now. But I will call you as soon as I get home. Promise.
Now, on to a few more things. I had internet for the first time in a while on Sunday very early in the morning before I flew back to Germany and then again for a quick entry when I got home. I used that time to write to ALL of my friends, who also didn't get emails or phone calls or so from me in a long time, to tell them how I was, to reach out to them. For me, you still belong to those friends. So, I was writing to you, just as I was writing to Kyra, Janna, Maru or all of the other wonderful people I know. There is no reason for you to fear that I held better contact with everyone else, I phoned quite a bit more with you than with Janna over the last half year (in case that's any comfort).
Then, how could there be any throwing aside? I have never willingly chosen, on a free weekend, to go to a wonderful musical performance with all of my fantastic Frankfurt friends instead of visiting you. Why? Because I haven't had a free weekend! Between work and uni and reports and exams and internships and favors and projects, I have not even been in Beilstein since before the winter semester started. That was in late September 2007. Why don't you believe me when I say "I really really want to come see you! I want to see your appartment and your kitty cat and your girlfriend and your personal home sweet home!"? Do you honestly think I would lie to you?
Yes, I do have an entire new life here that is busy and frustrating and challenging and fun, and you're not a part of it. But don't you have the exact same thing somewhere else? But, silly me, I didn't think all that mattered. I thought we were the kind of friends that could never get rid of each other again, for better or worse, no matter what happened. No matter if we talked less or more, had fights, drama, went through shitty downs and teetering ups... in short that we were stuck with each other, for life (at least).
Correct me if I'm wrong.
P.S. Sorry. I did exactly the thing I didn't want to do and let it all out here on lj. *grrrr* P.P.S. How late are you awake? Have work again today.
You know, sometimes you have to punch into something to get punched back to your senses again. I can't explain the way I feel but I do. Maybe you can understand better when I actually tell you what my life is like right now.
It might sound stupid but I wrote all that crap because I don't want to lose you. I'll tell you more on the phone.
I'll be home around 11pm today. And I'll be awake until I put the phone back into the stand.
Then it wouldn't hurt as much as reading all this does. I'll be ashamed later for writing this but it's so funny it makes me cry, the way you talk with Janna is the way we used to talk.
You know what I feel? I feel thrown away. It's no use. No matter how many times you tell me I'm like family to you, the bad feeling returns. Why do you have the time to travel everywhere and invite everyone but never once said you'd visit me sometime. You told me so last October, you'd come and visit me. If you don't intend to do so anymore, let me know so I'll stop hoping.
I'm slowly giving up, Rosanna. I'm so tired of running after you, after waiting for just a single phone call done without me asking you to call. I understand you're busy. I understand you have many people to see. But I feel like there isn't even one single minute in your life you have to spare for me. That hurts. That really hurts.
You told me, you don't write to me because I haven't posted anything in a while. What about now? You don't answer my mails. You just answer to Janna. That hurts. Again.
I don't even know anymore what I mean to you. And I hate the fact that I have to write all this. But if I don't, I'll give up. I'll break. I'll stop believing into you. I don't want that to happen. The mere thought pushes tears behind my eyelids. My heart thunders in my chest and my throat is closed up. I'd never thought it would come to this but it did. I don't feel like I am your friend anymore, Rosanna. There is just ... nothing .. coming from your side. I might be clingy, unmature and stupid but even I can't keep on hanging onto something I don't know if it's even wanted. If you want me out of your life just tell me so. If you can't tell me what THE HELL is going on I'll write myself out of yours. Not because I don't love you because I love you very much. But the whole situatione right now makes me sick. Depressed. I can't remember the last time I thought about you and didn't start crying. That isn't what a friendship should be. Call me too clingy, too naive, too pushing but I thought our friendship deeper than that. That's why it hurts so much.
I have to know the truth, please, for once speak what you really think and not just what you think I can take. I'm not stupid. I don't know why this bad feeling returns every single time. But there has to be a reason.
Loosing you will be the hardest thing in my life but as long as I'm feeling like I already am losing you, I have to do something. Am I too uncultured for you? Why do you have the time to fly to Japan but don't even answer to my comment if you'd like to visit me? That really reminds me a lot of Anna and I can't help but wonder if I have become her now. Because if I did, just tell me okay? I'll stop annoying you then.
And yes, I would have liked to tell you all this on the phone but as always, I couldn't reach you.
Now it's your turn. I won't say anything anymore until you answer me.
Reply
First of all, I'd rather not go through an emotional swamp here on lj. Our mutual friends don't need to be dragged in and made to worry themselves out about us. This is something we actually should TALK about, on the phone at least. You're right, I'm not home enough, not even right now. But I will call you as soon as I get home. Promise.
Now, on to a few more things. I had internet for the first time in a while on Sunday very early in the morning before I flew back to Germany and then again for a quick entry when I got home. I used that time to write to ALL of my friends, who also didn't get emails or phone calls or so from me in a long time, to tell them how I was, to reach out to them. For me, you still belong to those friends. So, I was writing to you, just as I was writing to Kyra, Janna, Maru or all of the other wonderful people I know. There is no reason for you to fear that I held better contact with everyone else, I phoned quite a bit more with you than with Janna over the last half year (in case that's any comfort).
Then, how could there be any throwing aside? I have never willingly chosen, on a free weekend, to go to a wonderful musical performance with all of my fantastic Frankfurt friends instead of visiting you. Why? Because I haven't had a free weekend! Between work and uni and reports and exams and internships and favors and projects, I have not even been in Beilstein since before the winter semester started. That was in late September 2007. Why don't you believe me when I say "I really really want to come see you! I want to see your appartment and your kitty cat and your girlfriend and your personal home sweet home!"?
Do you honestly think I would lie to you?
Yes, I do have an entire new life here that is busy and frustrating and challenging and fun, and you're not a part of it. But don't you have the exact same thing somewhere else?
But, silly me, I didn't think all that mattered. I thought we were the kind of friends that could never get rid of each other again, for better or worse, no matter what happened. No matter if we talked less or more, had fights, drama, went through shitty downs and teetering ups... in short that we were stuck with each other, for life (at least).
Correct me if I'm wrong.
P.S. Sorry. I did exactly the thing I didn't want to do and let it all out here on lj. *grrrr*
P.P.S. How late are you awake? Have work again today.
Reply
It might sound stupid but I wrote all that crap because I don't want to lose you. I'll tell you more on the phone.
I'll be home around 11pm today. And I'll be awake until I put the phone back into the stand.
Reply
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