WTF
Ok guys this is a long one, and as with all of them it will be uneditted so forgive my spelling ahead of time. first off, what am i doing with my life, right now i have no real job( i work for vivindi but it is sparce work at best) i have no real home(sleeping on a friends couch and eating his famillies food does not constatute a house), i have no proper schooling and becouse of a medical debit i will never get the chance to get one, I just want to know were my life is going, ever sence i got back from Japan i have felt, unfullfilled, i need a new lifes goal, something that will put my mind back on track. Right now i have an awsome fiancee and i have friends that truly care about me, but the thing is, what am i going to do with it, i feel so lost, i mean i set a life goal that i was told to me by others was damn near un reachable, knowing that i put every thing i had into it, and sure enough i did it, i lived on my own in japan, good or bad i did it, and nobody can take that from me, but i feel no so empty, the major goal of my life, over, i mean what am i supposed to think here, something that is supposed to take exactly that "life" i did befor i was 21. i have no drive, no real ambition, i feel as though if i set a new goal it will pale in comperasin, and then on the other side if i set to high a goal i am prone to fail. the thing is i want a good life for myself and my fledgeling familly, but as such i need to really stepup and take the bull by the horns, but that also scares me, if i fail at that then thouse that depend on me are at risk, am i really ready to put peoples lives in my hand, can i really handle that, i just dont know. As of late, I have not been able to meditate, great now i have failed as a buddhest, i cant seam to clear my mind, i think about all manner of things, and i find it really disterbing, i just need guidence, i need that slap in the back of the head telling me to get my ass in gear and stop being a whinny bitch, but alas i know that that is the wrong way to go about things, but as they say old habits die hard, that they do(bad memories of tamie fill my mind)*sheads a tear*, and again i make my comp wet with the tears of hate and sorrow, how will my life turn out, how will others view this post and the posts past, what will people say if anything when i am gone, will i be lovingly remembered by some and spitfully hated by others, will i achive any great works that will stir others forward, or fill there hearts with love and affection, or will i mearly be a long forgoten dust speck, what is one man to do in such a time of personal turmoil, how do i face my fellow man with a strate face and a smile, when inside i am crying and wishing i could just tell them life is meanningless, just to make them feel the same way i do, but i would never do that. please my friends, or anybody that happens apon this post, give me words of advice, not encuragment, becouse i dont need that, i need to find a way out not know what i am doing is working(because it is not), i need help to find what it is i need to look forward to, what will give me back my lust for life and betterment, what, if anything can spark that fire within once again, so to close i must ask, are you happy with your life? i really want you to think about that, when you have your answer let me know. Till our paths cross again, Odaijini