Well I've been thinking about this now for quite a while. (I couldn't figure out how to post privately to you, but I guess I don't really need to anyway.)
My best guess as to why Mathew acts the way he does, in addition to the general teenage angst, would be that he has felt powerless for a long time. Powerless over the divorce, the anger, the living situation, your remarriage, the step family situations he has now on both sides. These are all really big things that affect him that he has not had control of and I bet he feels angry and sad. Perhaps he took on the roll of being in charge of Nathan to enjoy some sense of control. He probably takes it out on you because 1) Leah has appeared to be the more fragile person who he feels he needs to protect in some way. and 2) Leah's idea of making the kids happy has been to give them whatever they want regardless of what is truly in their best interest.
Have you had a conversation with him that empowers him to make the choice about seeing you? If it were me, I might make a time to go up there and take him to lunch, just you and him. (Sometimes I take Michael to lunch and we seem to have really nicer one-on-one conversations in that atmosphere.) Ask him how he feels. Find out if he is resentful about having "scheduled" visits with you - if that feels to him like it is infringing on his free time when he might want to hang out with his friends or whatever. Keep in mind that probably everything he says will hurt your feelings and piss you off, but let him say it anyway. Tell him you know that the situation sucks, that you wish he lived with you so you could be a part of his daily life. Let him know (probably for the millionth time) that you want to be part of his life. That you want to meet him in the middle. That you wish your time together was not filled with anger and resentment. Have you ever asked him point blank if Leah has told him stuff about you that would make him dislike you?
If I was having that conversation with him and it looked like he wasn't going to crack, but stay closed off, sullen and uncommunicative, I might give him the option of being in the driver's seat. After makig it abundantly clear that you don't want to give up on him, that you love him, etc., you might suggest that your next visit with him will be at his discretion. Until he asks to spend time with you, you will communicate with him through letters, live journal, whatever, so that he won't just forget about you or feel that you have given up on him. Just maybe, if he feels that the visits are his choice, he will be more open to it. Of course, there is the possibility that years could go by without your seeing him or hearing from him, which would be tragic. As you know, you can't force him to be nice, but maybe if he doesn't feel the need to push against something, he could calm down and be who he really is.
I'm sure you've already trieds all this stuff. I hope something works. Maybe it will take him becoming an adult before he can appreciate you. I wish you the best. <3
My best guess as to why Mathew acts the way he does, in addition to the general teenage angst, would be that he has felt powerless for a long time. Powerless over the divorce, the anger, the living situation, your remarriage, the step family situations he has now on both sides. These are all really big things that affect him that he has not had control of and I bet he feels angry and sad. Perhaps he took on the roll of being in charge of Nathan to enjoy some sense of control. He probably takes it out on you because 1) Leah has appeared to be the more fragile person who he feels he needs to protect in some way. and 2) Leah's idea of making the kids happy has been to give them whatever they want regardless of what is truly in their best interest.
Have you had a conversation with him that empowers him to make the choice about seeing you? If it were me, I might make a time to go up there and take him to lunch, just you and him. (Sometimes I take Michael to lunch and we seem to have really nicer one-on-one conversations in that atmosphere.) Ask him how he feels. Find out if he is resentful about having "scheduled" visits with you - if that feels to him like it is infringing on his free time when he might want to hang out with his friends or whatever. Keep in mind that probably everything he says will hurt your feelings and piss you off, but let him say it anyway. Tell him you know that the situation sucks, that you wish he lived with you so you could be a part of his daily life. Let him know (probably for the millionth time) that you want to be part of his life. That you want to meet him in the middle. That you wish your time together was not filled with anger and resentment.
Have you ever asked him point blank if Leah has told him stuff about you that would make him dislike you?
If I was having that conversation with him and it looked like he wasn't going to crack, but stay closed off, sullen and uncommunicative, I might give him the option of being in the driver's seat. After makig it abundantly clear that you don't want to give up on him, that you love him, etc., you might suggest that your next visit with him will be at his discretion. Until he asks to spend time with you, you will communicate with him through letters, live journal, whatever, so that he won't just forget about you or feel that you have given up on him. Just maybe, if he feels that the visits are his choice, he will be more open to it. Of course, there is the possibility that years could go by without your seeing him or hearing from him, which would be tragic. As you know, you can't force him to be nice, but maybe if he doesn't feel the need to push against something, he could calm down and be who he really is.
I'm sure you've already trieds all this stuff. I hope something works. Maybe it will take him becoming an adult before he can appreciate you. I wish you the best. <3
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