Fear the woman that thinks...
...so I was sitting outside thinking, I mean, it is 5 am I've been up since 1:30 yesterday afternoon and I probably won't be back in bed until about that time today, but I was thinking. I'm absolutely losing it. And by it I mean I'm losing everything. I can't honestly remember any point in time where I have felt so helpless in my life. It just seems that I can't do anything right and even when I think I'm on the appropriate path I get knocked on my bum again.
I've said thousands of times already and I'll probably say it a thousand more times before it is over, but I just feel that this is the worst year I've lived through yet. And it is not just for me, but for a majority of people that I know. I've lost friends, scholarships (because my father and I make too much money, RIGHT!), my sanity, everything. So now I'm stuck in this God awful rut where I feel I am afraid to stick my neck out because I don't want to lose anything else. And 2007 is still not over yet.
I am fighting the urge to just throw my hands up and scream "what else could go wrong" but I know as soon as I do, something will go wrong. I mean it is the classic example of "well, it could be raining" followed by a bolt of lightening.
What is bad currently is I am so caught up in this potentially irrational fear that I can't manage to complete anything else. I am unmotivated and unable to accomplish anything. Even the simplest of tasks. And what I can do is simply going through the motions. A true case of "pretend until the world believes" as I love to say.
No offense is meant towards anyone in this next part I promise. Without my family and friends, I would have lost my marbles half way through this year. But I just feel like I've given and given and given for anyone and everyone who has needed me and not once has someone returned the favor. My shoulder is soaking wet and I've not dropped a single tear on anyone else's. What is bad is I think now, more than ever, I need someone, anyone to be here for me.
Jesus, it's like I'm screaming out for help here and no one is listening, which only makes me feel worse because I'm not usually the one to ask for help. Now it seems that the one time that I am, I'm ignored. Just my luck, right?
I just need a hug. I need someone to cry to. I don't want to talk. I just need someone to pat my back and tell me that it's all going to be ok. And I don't have it.
But I know who and how I am, I'll be strong. I always am. I'll be this pillar that I was born to be.
I've said thousands of times already and I'll probably say it a thousand more times before it is over, but I just feel that this is the worst year I've lived through yet. And it is not just for me, but for a majority of people that I know. I've lost friends, scholarships (because my father and I make too much money, RIGHT!), my sanity, everything. So now I'm stuck in this God awful rut where I feel I am afraid to stick my neck out because I don't want to lose anything else. And 2007 is still not over yet.
I am fighting the urge to just throw my hands up and scream "what else could go wrong" but I know as soon as I do, something will go wrong. I mean it is the classic example of "well, it could be raining" followed by a bolt of lightening.
What is bad currently is I am so caught up in this potentially irrational fear that I can't manage to complete anything else. I am unmotivated and unable to accomplish anything. Even the simplest of tasks. And what I can do is simply going through the motions. A true case of "pretend until the world believes" as I love to say.
No offense is meant towards anyone in this next part I promise. Without my family and friends, I would have lost my marbles half way through this year. But I just feel like I've given and given and given for anyone and everyone who has needed me and not once has someone returned the favor. My shoulder is soaking wet and I've not dropped a single tear on anyone else's. What is bad is I think now, more than ever, I need someone, anyone to be here for me.
Jesus, it's like I'm screaming out for help here and no one is listening, which only makes me feel worse because I'm not usually the one to ask for help. Now it seems that the one time that I am, I'm ignored. Just my luck, right?
I just need a hug. I need someone to cry to. I don't want to talk. I just need someone to pat my back and tell me that it's all going to be ok. And I don't have it.
But I know who and how I am, I'll be strong. I always am. I'll be this pillar that I was born to be.