I just need to blog
That's all there is to it. I just need to shut up and sit down and write about anything and everything. Then, maybe I'll feel better but I seriously doubt it.
So I was thinking, per usual of course, about the holidays. You know, it's funny that during the holidays you are supposed to be with your family and celebrate all the good things that you have/had/will have/etc. but it is during this time that fights most often take place. Funny how the world works, eh?
And even though the same fights occur every year, we still take part in the same cycles year in and year out. Rather unrelenting but whatever, it's life, right?
I was also thinking, I don't want to be alone. In fact, the idea down-right scares me. Don't get me wrong, it's great every once in a while, it's a mini-vacay spa day, but beyond that, the quiet gets to me. Those moments where all I can hear is the rhythm of my own breathing and the beating of my own heart. I am one, I am alone and singularity sucks ass.
The only thing that I can think of that sucks worse that being physically alone is being mentally or emotionally alone. Being surrounded by people and still being alone, that's just sad. But such has been my life lately.
Beyond all of this I am down and out on top of it. I've said it several times already this year, but 2007 FUCKING SUCKS. It sucks, it blows, it barfs up cum bubbles, all of the above plus many things more. 2007 is a whore who has violently raped everyone that I know and it's not over yet. There aren't enough words to describe how I feel at this moment. Or at least, my vocabulary is lacking a great deal today. I've lost so much and gained so little. I've seen those near and dear to me suffer and I have this gut feeling that it is not over. I mean I am absolutely paranoid that for some awful reason I may lose someone else. I've become so distracted by everything that I'm not doing well as I should. I'm just going through the motions of what is expected of me. That's no life it is merely existence and that in itself is even more depressing.
SHIT FUCK GODDAMN!
I don't think I can yell, scream, cry, sleep, drink nor smoke enough to make me feel even an iota better. And I'm making myself worse. Seriously, it's to the point where I don't want to put forth effort to do anything. Not even eat and there is still a feast in my fridge. And when I worry too much I stop sleeping. And when I stop sleeping I get this atrocious headache. And when I get the said headache I get nauseous. Which makes me not want to eat even more. Stupid cycles.
I think I'm about done. I really don't feel like crying like a little girl right now and I feel that is exactly where I am headed.
Let me just ask this though, WHERE THE FUCK IS MY KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOR?
Do you know what else I want, aside from all of this prior monkey-fuckery to disappear? I want to be held, I want to be loved, I want to be told that I'm gorgeous. I want to be cherished for who I am (every adorable psychotic quirk that I may have). I want everything to be ok, I want to be happy. I want peace. All of that or I want to be all alone until I learn to provide all of that for myself.
As always, I'm Yours,
Sami
So I was thinking, per usual of course, about the holidays. You know, it's funny that during the holidays you are supposed to be with your family and celebrate all the good things that you have/had/will have/etc. but it is during this time that fights most often take place. Funny how the world works, eh?
And even though the same fights occur every year, we still take part in the same cycles year in and year out. Rather unrelenting but whatever, it's life, right?
I was also thinking, I don't want to be alone. In fact, the idea down-right scares me. Don't get me wrong, it's great every once in a while, it's a mini-vacay spa day, but beyond that, the quiet gets to me. Those moments where all I can hear is the rhythm of my own breathing and the beating of my own heart. I am one, I am alone and singularity sucks ass.
The only thing that I can think of that sucks worse that being physically alone is being mentally or emotionally alone. Being surrounded by people and still being alone, that's just sad. But such has been my life lately.
Beyond all of this I am down and out on top of it. I've said it several times already this year, but 2007 FUCKING SUCKS. It sucks, it blows, it barfs up cum bubbles, all of the above plus many things more. 2007 is a whore who has violently raped everyone that I know and it's not over yet. There aren't enough words to describe how I feel at this moment. Or at least, my vocabulary is lacking a great deal today. I've lost so much and gained so little. I've seen those near and dear to me suffer and I have this gut feeling that it is not over. I mean I am absolutely paranoid that for some awful reason I may lose someone else. I've become so distracted by everything that I'm not doing well as I should. I'm just going through the motions of what is expected of me. That's no life it is merely existence and that in itself is even more depressing.
SHIT FUCK GODDAMN!
I don't think I can yell, scream, cry, sleep, drink nor smoke enough to make me feel even an iota better. And I'm making myself worse. Seriously, it's to the point where I don't want to put forth effort to do anything. Not even eat and there is still a feast in my fridge. And when I worry too much I stop sleeping. And when I stop sleeping I get this atrocious headache. And when I get the said headache I get nauseous. Which makes me not want to eat even more. Stupid cycles.
I think I'm about done. I really don't feel like crying like a little girl right now and I feel that is exactly where I am headed.
Let me just ask this though, WHERE THE FUCK IS MY KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOR?
Do you know what else I want, aside from all of this prior monkey-fuckery to disappear? I want to be held, I want to be loved, I want to be told that I'm gorgeous. I want to be cherished for who I am (every adorable psychotic quirk that I may have). I want everything to be ok, I want to be happy. I want peace. All of that or I want to be all alone until I learn to provide all of that for myself.
As always, I'm Yours,
Sami