Romeo and Juliet Re-Write Skit
For English class. May be confusing, weird, and/or just stupid.
Romeo and Juliet (5.3.1-83)
(♫Thunderstorm♫)
(Enter Paris and Page [from entrance at stage left]. Paris leads and carries a basket containing various objects; Page follows and carries a flashlight to shine the way.)
Paris (authoritatively): Give me the flashlight, initiate.
(Page gives him the flashlight.)
This is your first mission. Go over to those yew trees and stand guard. If you hear anyone coming, whistle for me.
Page (whiny): Dude! I don’t want to hang out in this freaky graveyard!
(Paris glares at him, and then glances over at the yew trees [which are stage left, towards back])
Fine, I’ll go.
(Page goes [to stage left, towards the back])
(Paris sets out various ritual items - i.e. vessels of blood, herbs, idols - near tomb [slightly stage right, in the front])
Paris (talking absentmindedly to the tomb/himself):
Juliet, tonight I have come to raise you from the dead, so that you might breathe once more. Our cult members have grown rowdy since your death. We need you and your leadership here. (-brief pause-)
If it doesn’t work tonight, then I will return every night to try again until it does.
(Page whistles.)
(♫“Outer Space”♫)
A warning! What cursed foot wanders here tonight, of all nights, and dares to interrupt this sacred moment? Is that…a light I see? I should hide myself.
(Paris goes [to hide by the tomb: stage right, near the back])
(♫“Alien Invasion”♫)
(Enter Romeo and Balthasar [from entrance at stage left]. They are in alien garb and each pilot a UFO, which both emit green light. Romeo leads; Balthasar follows and carries various unidentifiable objects that look like they may be of value or militaristic use.)
Romeo (stopping in front of the tomb [stage right, near the back]): To Romeo the weapons Balthasar to give.
(Balthasar gives him the objects that he has been holding.)
The letter Balthasar to take. To Leader letter Balthasar to deliver, at up-sun.
(Romeo gives him a letter.)
Balthasar to leave, Romeo Balthasar to interrupt not, and. Go see weapon code-name-JULIET Romeo will. Pick up and use weapon code-name JULIET Romeo will, also, and drop off other weapons into weaponry safehold Romeo will. On Romeo Balthasar spies, if; Balthasar Romeo blows up, then.
Balthasar (nodding): Oik.
Romeo: Shown friendship to Romeo Balthasar has.
(Romeo gives him alien currency.)
To live, to be prosperous.
(Romeo and Balthasar clasp hands.)
Agamit.
(Balthasar climbs into his UFO to leave [stage left, towards the back]. Balthasar and Page exchange surprised looks, but neither makes comment.)
Balthasar (aside, to the audience): Hide here Balthasar will, anyway. Worried Balthasar is.
Romeo (mockingly): (Romeo spouts alien gibberish that seem to be directed insultingly at the tomb.) Gorged universe’s most precious treasure safehold has. Force jaws open Romeo will, take JULIET Romeo will; feed safehold other treasures Romeo will, but.
(Romeo takes out a laser beam gun from his pocket to zap open tomb.)
Paris (aside, to audience): Oh, my God, an alien! A real, live alien! They say that the reason for Juliet’s death was because she had an accident on an expedition to catch of glimpse of one! They’re real. Aliens are real after all.
(-brief pause-)
This is why. This is why Juliet died. This is why the cult is falling apart. It’s THEY’RE fault. And - and now one of them is trying to break into her tomb and do who knows what to her dead body! Disgraceful! She was the greatest leader our cult has ever seen! And my ritual is ruined!
(Paris comes forward to address Romeo.)
STOP! Don’t touch Juliet! I’m calling the cops!
Romeo: Romeo comes in peace, Earthling. JULIET Romeo must take. Romeo comes for that. Earthling, to leave! Business Romeo has here.
Paris: Never! You can’t go in there! It’s a crime!
Romeo: Provoke Romeo Earthling dares? FINE!
(Romeo shoots Paris with laser beam.) (♫“Laser”♫)
Paris: I’m…I think I’m dying.
(Paris falls, shocked by the laser.)
Please, see that I am buried in the Capulet cult tomb with Juliet and all of the other great elders.
(Paris dies.)
Romeo: Give wish of Earthling, Romeo will. Of JULIET Earthling knew. (-brief pause-)
Romeo Balthasar told, of JULIET some Earthlings know. Balthasar said not? Romeo dreamed so, or? Mad Romeo is, or, of code-name-JULIET Balthasar talked, to think so?
(Romeo zaps open the tomb with his laser beam.) (♫“Laser”♫)
Notes:
The sentence structure of the aliens’ language is roughly:
Adjectives modifying subject that follow a verb +
Additional verbs +
Indirect object (with necessary prepositions) +
Direct object (with necessary prepositions) +
Subject +
Verb/Helping verb +
Conjunctions, prepositional phrases, etc.
Imperative commands are in the infinitive form.
Some liberties have been taken with verb tense. (Consistency is not always guaranteed.)
Translation of alien language that may not be familiar to Earthlings:
oik = yes
agamit = goodbye, farewell