The Sanity Faerie's Primer on Guys
There's this strange thing that happens in a lot of relationships. Very subtle people and very unsubtle people get together all the time, and hilarity ensues. The subtle people can't understand why the unsubtle people aren't reacting right, and the unsubtle people (we'll call them "guys") don't understand much of *anything*. Thus, Sanityfaerie's Primer on Guys... because in any relationship, *someone* ought to know what's going on, and it ain't gonna be the guy.
Meta stuff:
- This will take the form of notes and ramblings. I could probably put in a lot of work and make this a more polished, focused thing, but it's more about understanding than anything else. Understanding is to be found in the oddest of places. I can't help but feel that making it more even might smooth off a bit of what makes it useful. Please forgive.
- I've mostly compiled this out of examining myself, and catching confirms from other guys around me. It's not exactly scientific, but I think, for the most part, it's accurate. Most of the guys checked with were geek guys, so it may be a bit inaccurate for non-geeks, but I figure that, given the sorts of people who are likely to wander by my LJ, that particular focus may be more help than harm.
- Note that the pronouns are a little mutable here. I once was very much a guy, and I'm still something of one at heart, but I've become more socially clued through intensive study and personal experience. Not all guys are male, but most are. I'm letting the pronouns will fall as they may. You have been warned.
And here's the meat:
First, Guys are not the same thing as males. There are males who have never been guys, or who were once but got over it. There are women who are guys. It's something of a nebulous group. Still, "Guy" and "butch" do tend to have a pretty strong overlap, and it's pretty easy to identify them once you know what you're looking for.
The big thing to understand about guys is that, romantically speaking, we don't get it. Romance is a bizarre game played by ever-changing rules where your opponent is your partner and is also the referee, and no one ever tells you *anything*. We play it because, well, we crave love just like anyone else, but we don't get it. In fact, for the most part, if it involves emotions, subtlety, or complex social undercurrents, we really don't have much of a clue.
So... the first rule is, if you want someone who can read your mind, who will know or intuit what you need without being told, who will even catch hints without a fair amount of training, pick someone who isn't a guy. There are emotionally savvy people all over the place. Some of them are even male.
Now there's good news to this. Unlike almost any other fault, this cluelessness can be changed, over time, with effort, to some degree, by straightforward explanation. It's not that we don't *want* to understand, you see - it's just that we have very little idea of where to start. It never used to be *important*. Note, also, that it is much easier to teach your personal guy how to react to the most important bits of your personal hint-set than to teach them to react to hints in general. This will not happen overnight. It may actually be easier to adapt your hint-set to something that gets the right response naturally. (I still have fond memories of one of my exes who, when she wanted a hug, would walk up to me and look sad, and sometimes hold her arms out in an appropriate way. I *understood* that one.)
Remember - if something mattered to you, and your personal guy didn't do it, and you didn't tell him that it mattered to you, then odds are it isn't his fault. There's some stuff that's obvious enough that even we can pick up on it, but you'ld be shocked by how short that list really is. It's better to just figure that everything requires a quick briefing (or two, or three) and be safe.
note: sad but true. Pop psychology can help. Books like "Women are from Venus, Men are from Mars" were written pretty much specifically to bridge the guy/non-guy gap.
On a different tack, guys frequently just don't get subtle indications of interest. At all. Not even a little subtle. No, really. I share a story...
So, I'm at a party, at College, dancing. I meet up with this cute girl, and start dancing with her, and she doesn't seem to mind. We're trying to dance and talk at the same time for a while, but it's pretty loud, so I suggest, and she agrees, and we wander outside to a couch, and strike up a conversation. I end up explaining my Primer to her, because it's one of the few conversational gambits that I have that I'm pretty sure she'll be interested in, and I get to the bit about the unsubtlety thing. She asks how unsubtle she'd have to be. I say pretty much very unsubtle. She asks if, for example, inviting a guy to the Mardi Gras party (in two weeks) would work. I said that that would be a fine way to show a guy that you're interested in him. She invites me to the Mardi Gras party...
and it's only at that point that I realize that she might actually like me.
...and *every time* I've told that story to another guy, they understood.
Note that it is not that guys cannot be supportive. Frequently, the right sort of guy can be very supportive, if you just ask. "I've had a miserable day. Can I have a hug?" should work pretty well, as an example. If he doesn't respond to that, he's not just clueless. He's slime. Dump him. If he responds, but not like you want him to, he may be slime, or he may just need some more explanation. You'll have to play it by ear on that one.
Note that it may be helpful, sometimes, to have someone *else* to feed your guy his clues and cues. This is where things like being poly can come in very handy. Note also, though, that even guys who are cluefull by guy standards can be woefully underinformed by your own.
Now, the secret about luggage. Most guys, you see, at least the decent ones, are happy to help with things like carrying luggage, moving furniture or (if they have appropriate skills/interests) fixing any problems that you might have with your car/computer/plumbing, in exchange for some gratitude, maybe a bit of food, maybe a small display of affection. This is because guys don't really know what you want, and they know that they don't know what you want, but they want to make you happy/make you like them more. Simple tasks like showing you how to make the new copier work are much easier than actually knowing what the moves are in this intricate dance you all engage in, and we know that when we're done, we can walk away having put points on the positive side of the ledger. Also, food is *always* good.
Note that it's possible for your partner to be *very* romantic, and still be a guy. It depends on what you want. If romance for you involves understanding exactly what's wrong when you're feeling unhappy and uncommunicative and doing exactly the right thing in response... well, lets just say it's not a guy strong point. If romance for you includes having the object of your affections come over on lunch break or in the middle of the night or whatever and put a lot of effort and sweat and a bit of pain into getting your car to work again, or repairing your furniture, and capping it off with a fierce embrace and a *totally* sincere "For you, babe, anytime." - well, you may be in luck. Romance is *entirely* subjective.
The most romantic gift I've ever heard about was a leatherman given for Valentines Day - with a really sappy, high quality, personalized presentation engraved on the side, complete with fancy-lettering curlicues. I *bow* to that man's gift-fu.
Finally, I leave you with a thought that a number of other guys have brought up when going through the Primer. "When you tell us something, we take it at face value." (Unimag, in this instance). It is completely, unabashedly true. We will assume that you mean everything that you say, and react accordingly. Even if we realize that you don't mean quite what you say, the guy-polite reaction is to act like you do. If you tell us "not tonight, dear. I have a headache." our reaction will be to conclude that either you have a headache, and we should leave you alone, or you don't have a headache, but you don't want to talk about it, and we should leave you alone. At that point, we will *leave you alone*. This is what we will do. This is what we will think the right thing to do *is*. If you want us to do anything else, it will require either a lengthy period of explicit retraining ("Dear, when I tell you that I have a headache, I really mean that I'm upset, and I want you to care enough to pry it out of me.") (...in which case you may later find yourself saying "No, dear, this time I really *do* have a headache. Please get me the Tylenol.") or it will require changing how you indicate things. ("Not tonight dear, I'm angry about something, and I won't be happy until we talk about it and you make me feel better.")
It is worth noting (again) that retraining may well require explaining things more than once, and that it works much better when you do your explaining in a way that is not emotionally charged, at a time that is not emotionally charged, using the best clue-by-four system your subculture has. The point here is to educate. If you go into it with the feeling that "He ought to know this stuff already." then it will be *much* harder.
anyway, I think I've pretty much hit a stopping point. Anyone who wants to add their own experiences to this, please do. Anyone who wants to ask for more insight, please do. Anyone qualified who wants to start up a primer for us poor benighted guys on how to help bridge this gap the other way, *please* do. We can use all the help we can get.
Feedback of all sorts welcomed.
Meta stuff:
- This will take the form of notes and ramblings. I could probably put in a lot of work and make this a more polished, focused thing, but it's more about understanding than anything else. Understanding is to be found in the oddest of places. I can't help but feel that making it more even might smooth off a bit of what makes it useful. Please forgive.
- I've mostly compiled this out of examining myself, and catching confirms from other guys around me. It's not exactly scientific, but I think, for the most part, it's accurate. Most of the guys checked with were geek guys, so it may be a bit inaccurate for non-geeks, but I figure that, given the sorts of people who are likely to wander by my LJ, that particular focus may be more help than harm.
- Note that the pronouns are a little mutable here. I once was very much a guy, and I'm still something of one at heart, but I've become more socially clued through intensive study and personal experience. Not all guys are male, but most are. I'm letting the pronouns will fall as they may. You have been warned.
And here's the meat:
First, Guys are not the same thing as males. There are males who have never been guys, or who were once but got over it. There are women who are guys. It's something of a nebulous group. Still, "Guy" and "butch" do tend to have a pretty strong overlap, and it's pretty easy to identify them once you know what you're looking for.
The big thing to understand about guys is that, romantically speaking, we don't get it. Romance is a bizarre game played by ever-changing rules where your opponent is your partner and is also the referee, and no one ever tells you *anything*. We play it because, well, we crave love just like anyone else, but we don't get it. In fact, for the most part, if it involves emotions, subtlety, or complex social undercurrents, we really don't have much of a clue.
So... the first rule is, if you want someone who can read your mind, who will know or intuit what you need without being told, who will even catch hints without a fair amount of training, pick someone who isn't a guy. There are emotionally savvy people all over the place. Some of them are even male.
Now there's good news to this. Unlike almost any other fault, this cluelessness can be changed, over time, with effort, to some degree, by straightforward explanation. It's not that we don't *want* to understand, you see - it's just that we have very little idea of where to start. It never used to be *important*. Note, also, that it is much easier to teach your personal guy how to react to the most important bits of your personal hint-set than to teach them to react to hints in general. This will not happen overnight. It may actually be easier to adapt your hint-set to something that gets the right response naturally. (I still have fond memories of one of my exes who, when she wanted a hug, would walk up to me and look sad, and sometimes hold her arms out in an appropriate way. I *understood* that one.)
Remember - if something mattered to you, and your personal guy didn't do it, and you didn't tell him that it mattered to you, then odds are it isn't his fault. There's some stuff that's obvious enough that even we can pick up on it, but you'ld be shocked by how short that list really is. It's better to just figure that everything requires a quick briefing (or two, or three) and be safe.
note: sad but true. Pop psychology can help. Books like "Women are from Venus, Men are from Mars" were written pretty much specifically to bridge the guy/non-guy gap.
On a different tack, guys frequently just don't get subtle indications of interest. At all. Not even a little subtle. No, really. I share a story...
So, I'm at a party, at College, dancing. I meet up with this cute girl, and start dancing with her, and she doesn't seem to mind. We're trying to dance and talk at the same time for a while, but it's pretty loud, so I suggest, and she agrees, and we wander outside to a couch, and strike up a conversation. I end up explaining my Primer to her, because it's one of the few conversational gambits that I have that I'm pretty sure she'll be interested in, and I get to the bit about the unsubtlety thing. She asks how unsubtle she'd have to be. I say pretty much very unsubtle. She asks if, for example, inviting a guy to the Mardi Gras party (in two weeks) would work. I said that that would be a fine way to show a guy that you're interested in him. She invites me to the Mardi Gras party...
and it's only at that point that I realize that she might actually like me.
...and *every time* I've told that story to another guy, they understood.
Note that it is not that guys cannot be supportive. Frequently, the right sort of guy can be very supportive, if you just ask. "I've had a miserable day. Can I have a hug?" should work pretty well, as an example. If he doesn't respond to that, he's not just clueless. He's slime. Dump him. If he responds, but not like you want him to, he may be slime, or he may just need some more explanation. You'll have to play it by ear on that one.
Note that it may be helpful, sometimes, to have someone *else* to feed your guy his clues and cues. This is where things like being poly can come in very handy. Note also, though, that even guys who are cluefull by guy standards can be woefully underinformed by your own.
Now, the secret about luggage. Most guys, you see, at least the decent ones, are happy to help with things like carrying luggage, moving furniture or (if they have appropriate skills/interests) fixing any problems that you might have with your car/computer/plumbing, in exchange for some gratitude, maybe a bit of food, maybe a small display of affection. This is because guys don't really know what you want, and they know that they don't know what you want, but they want to make you happy/make you like them more. Simple tasks like showing you how to make the new copier work are much easier than actually knowing what the moves are in this intricate dance you all engage in, and we know that when we're done, we can walk away having put points on the positive side of the ledger. Also, food is *always* good.
Note that it's possible for your partner to be *very* romantic, and still be a guy. It depends on what you want. If romance for you involves understanding exactly what's wrong when you're feeling unhappy and uncommunicative and doing exactly the right thing in response... well, lets just say it's not a guy strong point. If romance for you includes having the object of your affections come over on lunch break or in the middle of the night or whatever and put a lot of effort and sweat and a bit of pain into getting your car to work again, or repairing your furniture, and capping it off with a fierce embrace and a *totally* sincere "For you, babe, anytime." - well, you may be in luck. Romance is *entirely* subjective.
The most romantic gift I've ever heard about was a leatherman given for Valentines Day - with a really sappy, high quality, personalized presentation engraved on the side, complete with fancy-lettering curlicues. I *bow* to that man's gift-fu.
Finally, I leave you with a thought that a number of other guys have brought up when going through the Primer. "When you tell us something, we take it at face value." (Unimag, in this instance). It is completely, unabashedly true. We will assume that you mean everything that you say, and react accordingly. Even if we realize that you don't mean quite what you say, the guy-polite reaction is to act like you do. If you tell us "not tonight, dear. I have a headache." our reaction will be to conclude that either you have a headache, and we should leave you alone, or you don't have a headache, but you don't want to talk about it, and we should leave you alone. At that point, we will *leave you alone*. This is what we will do. This is what we will think the right thing to do *is*. If you want us to do anything else, it will require either a lengthy period of explicit retraining ("Dear, when I tell you that I have a headache, I really mean that I'm upset, and I want you to care enough to pry it out of me.") (...in which case you may later find yourself saying "No, dear, this time I really *do* have a headache. Please get me the Tylenol.") or it will require changing how you indicate things. ("Not tonight dear, I'm angry about something, and I won't be happy until we talk about it and you make me feel better.")
It is worth noting (again) that retraining may well require explaining things more than once, and that it works much better when you do your explaining in a way that is not emotionally charged, at a time that is not emotionally charged, using the best clue-by-four system your subculture has. The point here is to educate. If you go into it with the feeling that "He ought to know this stuff already." then it will be *much* harder.
anyway, I think I've pretty much hit a stopping point. Anyone who wants to add their own experiences to this, please do. Anyone who wants to ask for more insight, please do. Anyone qualified who wants to start up a primer for us poor benighted guys on how to help bridge this gap the other way, *please* do. We can use all the help we can get.
Feedback of all sorts welcomed.