eighth post
gleamed for hope
the past does not determine the future
she was hoping for gleams of hope. at that very moment, her heart dropped, upon receiving the results of her most confident subject. out of expectation, the verge of tearing up the scripts, screaming loud over her defeat, was swirling around her damn head. speechless as its suppose to be, looked up and glanced over the auditorium, she sensed that she have the need to control her damn emotions. her brain was as blank as it could be while anticipating for the next segment of her self claimed hopeful subject. she took it, flipped, the red evilish marks was scribbled in the box. FUCK was the only word she shouted, threw that damn papers away as if it wasnt hers. tears flowed, heart dropped once again.' there' she says, 'im doomed'
tears rushed out of the eyes, trying all her ways to control them from streaming, but it seems no avail. all she could do was to sit there and daze with the spoilt tap. friends around her was consoling, despite the fact that they didnt do well too, but yes, they were consoling her. now, she is very grateful to them. she mull over the same incident that happened to her last year, the fact that the exact history was reiterating again, she was utmost unsatisfied. one, herself, who still did not repent over the same mistakes. that first script returned was that bad. she did not hope for else more later.
the rest wasnt that interesting as the first, she accepted everything with that empty heart. all she could get was a pass. not even up to her standard she had set for herself. looking at everybody else, she was a little better as compared to them. for the first time, she passed the subject she worried most of, the subject she deemed to be hopeless gave her a ultimate surprise. but none of her results hit a C grade. that was how bad her prelims was. as stress as it could be, her pressure and emotions build up, just like a well shaked canned coca cola waiting to get exploded upon opening.
conclusion was, the subject that she hoped most gave her a ultimate fail grade, the rest she passed, but was those that just scrapped through. she wondered how much or how far she can still get. she, once again, gleamed at the hope, admiting she is stupid, and stupid enough to go JC.
she glurpped the rage and resentment down into her gullet with sushi, together with her friends vanessa and winnie, who didnt do well either, infact, worse than her. she know she need to be sensitive in words towards them, at this point of time, where those tensions was really high. everybody could just go cranky over the slightest things. thank goodness the dinner served to be a self consoling session for us. but back home, that congruent emotions and feelings recurred. ashamed.
that was what happened to me today. that melancholy mood on me. :'(
two more months, exactly seven weeks from now, i wonder what kind of difference i can make on my results.